AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

thsi reads to me as though she refused to lend it and the asker was furious because she refused?

Can I ask why in the world would you ever lend a dress that was literally tailored for you?!?
At least you had the ultimate excuse why it can't be lent - yet you did it?
I really want to understand why is it so difficult to say no?

If your daughter doesn't want to lend her dress then that is the end of the story. As is usually said here,NO is a complete sentence.
I would also not buy a dress for the relative, that is up to her parents. You don't work to subsidise another family.

Not at all wrong to lend clothes but only if your daughter is happy about doing so. Ignore the snide comments.

Most schools still teach a form of dressmaking. It comes under design technology. They probably don't teach it to a standard where you could knock up a prom dress.

Most schools still teach a form of dressmaking. It comes under design technology.

If the relation can't afford a £500 dress she will just have to have a £100 dress. Bad luck.

There may be tips for prom dresses on style and beauty. The relation can always hire a dress if necessary. I bet there's something nice on the debehams site. I haven't looked.

I think this has the possibly to become simmering family resentment over years to come. I still wouldn't lend the dress.

I also think that school proms have become absolutely ridiculous. One of our local schools cancelled theirs this year. The boys weren't interested. The venue was going to cost something ridiculous, like £1,000.

You might be able to make a nice dress for £100, but if someone can’t make the dress and has to pay someone else to make it, the price is most likely to go up by several hundred pounds, paying a seamstress to make a dress is the most expensive way to get one these days!

Most girls don’t wear £500 dresses for prom, most get ones around the £100-150 mark but some quite a lot less. So given how many adults have bothered the OP to give her dds dress to this family member, they could all club together and buy the other girl a dress.

I am staggered at the price of dresses that schoolkids wear. Even though this one has been worn a few times its cost per wear is over £100.
I could make a very very nice evening dress for £100. (I must admit my main sewing is curtains and cheap everyday stuff nowadays)

The relative will have to learn to cut her clothes according to her cloth. Lol. If she can't afford it, she can't have it. Bad luck! Teenage girls are notorious for damaging borrowed clothes. As others have said, she is simply envious of your daughter.

A little tip for the future: keep quiet about whatever your daughter has got. That negates the envy.

Absolutely not. The other end of the age range but I lent my toddler daughter's hand embroidered exquisitely made 'heirloom' party dress (VERY expensive but I wanted to keep it and pass it on to possible grandchildren) and it came back stained and with the netting ripped. Not even an apology!

Hear, hear.

this is terrible advice. The DD has said no, you seem to think it’s important to teach her it’s more important to be kind to other people than respect her own boundaries. That if she’s said no, if the other person badgers her she should change that to a yes even if she doesn’t want to. That being kind is something she needs to do, even for people who are not being kind to her.

This is a terrible way to raise a daughter, do not raise your dcs to think that “no” is not acceptable !

this is a good lesson for the other child in the family, no means no. Even if you really would prefer it to be a yes. Getting others to put pressure on someone who’s said no to you is really terrible behaviour and should not be rewarded!

At £500 I wouldn't be putting it in a washing machine!

YANBU Its a personal matter wether you lend things to others.
It depends on your feelings about lending,the dress,the people inolved,the circumstances.
One of my DDs would definitely lend the dress in the circumstances you describe. One wouldn't.
I dont think either is right or wrong.
I dont think it wrong of your relative to ask but i do think it wrong to pressure and manipulate when you have said no.

When I was a teenager I had a pair of lovely black velvet trousers. My Aunt asked if she could borrow them to wear to a New Year dance. My mum must have said she could. When she returned them the stiching at the zip was stretched as she was a bit bigger than me, and she said she’d got a bit of pickle on them as she desperately tried to remove it as she handed them back to me 😠.
Never forgotten it to this day and I’m 66 now.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be. That’s my motto.

I lent a silk shawl to my close friend. She got ketchup on it and she hasn't returned it over eight months later. Don't lend things you're not prepared to lose is my husband's advice and I did this knowing I might never see it again.

Don't lend the dress. If she can't afford to buy one then she can't afford to replace it. It's also ludicrous. I went to one Prom wearing a dress that was essentially a floor length vest top. It was really cheap. I just made sure I had great accessories and hair. This time of year charity shops are also full of them. You bought your daughter a dress as an investment and it's non-negotiable that no one else can wear it.

I can’t imagine anyone who is so rude and presumptuous that they keep asking you to change your mind when you’ve said no, are going to value your dress any more than your decision.

Way too much explaining and too soft.

This is the last time I will tell you this. The answer is no. You can't borrow X's dress and don't ask again.

Add in to the other relatives bugging about it:

If you're so invested, you should be happy to donate £100 to a dress fund for X.

These relatives don't want your daughter to have something nice of her own. They see it as community property or to be wrecked because how dare she have something so nice.

Don't give in or be nice to that toxic mindset.

I love this. Your daughter sounds fab.

Ultimately OP some people would be comfortable lending and some wouldn’t. It wasn’t unreasonable of them to ask, but it is hugely unreasonable of them to keep asking and pressuring when your daughter has said no.

Good for you for supporting your DD boundaries. She can also tell them it’s sentimental as you bought it as a special dress and she keeps it pristine now for special occasions…or just no also works 🤣

How can you be sure about someone you have never met?;

No matter how careful she is, she can't guarantee someone won't spill their drink all over the dress, or tear it or something similar. Dry cleaning doesn't fix everything.

Would you lend it knowing that there's a good chance it will be spoilt and no-one will compensate your daughter for it?

I agree, not a normal request. Maybe borrow a bag but not a dress,

no, don't lie or make excuses.

I guess some people see things differently because I don't think this is a normal request and it's certainly not normal to have family members pressuring you either especially after you've said no. If they can't afford to buy the dress they certainly can't afford to replace it. One thing that is certain is accidents happen and the dress could get ruined. I think they are being so rude. I'd be fuming!! Good luck

I wouldn’t lend it and if other people are now messaging daughter I would double down.
maybe ask everyone who messages of you can borrow an expensive item you know they own that they would be gutted to lose. So easy to lend someone someone else stuff