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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

690 replies

DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 16:41

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/07/2026 17:04

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:55

Then that is the end of that particular relationship.

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So you think it's better to end the relationship rather than just not lend the dress in the first place?

Shinyandnew1 · 10/07/2026 17:04

DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 16:54

I’ll get her a few, and some shoes whilst I’m there, kit her out properly. 😂

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Give her your car and debit card as well.

dancingdeidre · 10/07/2026 17:04

DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 16:47

To be clear, I am backing my daughter 100%. If she had said she was lending it to her, I’d have advised her not to. We are being made to feel like this is a completely normal request but I don’t think it is. I’d never lend my clothes out to anyone, other than my daughter if she wanted to them.

Yes it is a normal request, some people happily lend clothes, but it's also normal to be refused if the owner doesn't want to lend on this occasion.

ZanyPoet · 10/07/2026 17:03

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:59

Probably a bit much for the child involved to learn to budget for luxuries and events don’t you think? After all, I doubt ops daughter actually paid for this dress herself.
Personally, I’d do it for the child, because her parents haven’t sorted it. Is it my responsibility? Obviously not, but if I could help l would.

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if the "child" is old enough to wear a designer or special dress for a prom, they're not that much of a "child" anymore.

and no, it's not a bit much.
How do you think others are funding their sports tours, and various outings and travels by that age? Obviously they don't pay for the full thing, but they learn to raise money to contribute.

When do they learn exactly, if they don't even know the basic by what 16 year old for the first Prom? So old enough to have a baby and get married!

I am not blaming the child, but she can't expect to be given a free dress just because she would like one? Don't we all? Shall we send a letter to Kate MIddleton? She has plenty of beautiful dresses, hardly worn 😂

Original poster
DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 17:03

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:59

Probably a bit much for the child involved to learn to budget for luxuries and events don’t you think? After all, I doubt ops daughter actually paid for this dress herself.
Personally, I’d do it for the child, because her parents haven’t sorted it. Is it my responsibility? Obviously not, but if I could help l would.

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No, my daughter didn’t pay for it, but it is her dress as it was bought for her. It would be very unlikely that the other girl or her parents would pay for the dress if it was ruined.

You would seriously give away your daughter’s dress knowing that if it gets ruined, that’s it. 🤯

OP posts:
LaliqueSaltGrinder · 10/07/2026 17:02

DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 16:54

I’ll get her a few, and some shoes whilst I’m there, kit her out properly. 😂

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Absolutely, @DeathByZaraTrousers , you have to beeeee kiiiiiiind and that means allowing everyone to take advantage of you at every opportunity.

AlbieJiggered · 10/07/2026 17:01

DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 16:55

I’m guessing it’s sarcasm, at least I hope it is. 😬

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Goodness me, no. Rediculous suggestion. I'm discusted that you even think it's ok to so anything else. Your DD seems to have been dragged up.

Your relative is a CF. End of.

Happyjoe · 10/07/2026 17:00

What is it about people these days? NO! Don't lend the dress and don't flipping ask to borrow it.

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:59

ZanyPoet · 10/07/2026 16:56

It would be a much better life lesson for the relative to learn to budget for luxuries and events, to learn that if you want an expensive dress (or expensive wedding, or holiday) you can't expect to be subsidise by someone else and you need to come up with the money yourself, upfront, and not go into debt for that either.

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Probably a bit much for the child involved to learn to budget for luxuries and events don’t you think? After all, I doubt ops daughter actually paid for this dress herself.
Personally, I’d do it for the child, because her parents haven’t sorted it. Is it my responsibility? Obviously not, but if I could help l would.

ZanyPoet · 10/07/2026 16:56

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:48

Alternatively, you could teach her to help others, if she can. Better to give than to receive and all that…..

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It would be a much better life lesson for the relative to learn to budget for luxuries and events, to learn that if you want an expensive dress (or expensive wedding, or holiday) you can't expect to be subsidise by someone else and you need to come up with the money yourself, upfront, and not go into debt for that either.

Original poster
DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 16:55

ZanyPoet · 10/07/2026 16:54

you what now? 😂😂

Why don't you send the money for a dress to the OP if you are feeling that generous? I am sure the relative will be so grateful

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I’m guessing it’s sarcasm, at least I hope it is. 😬

OP posts:
overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:55

WallaceinAnderland · 10/07/2026 16:54

And what if the person refuses to pay or replace it?

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Then that is the end of that particular relationship.

LibraryLady26 · 10/07/2026 16:55

AlbieJiggered · 10/07/2026 16:53

You should decline but take your young relative to a designer of her choice and pay for a bespoke dress for her. You know that's the right thing to do.

Obviously! Then let her stay in your house for the weekend; you can easily stay somewhere else for a few days. Make sure you have lots of lovely food and drink in for her too.

Original poster
DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 16:54

AlbieJiggered · 10/07/2026 16:53

You should decline but take your young relative to a designer of her choice and pay for a bespoke dress for her. You know that's the right thing to do.

I’ll get her a few, and some shoes whilst I’m there, kit her out properly. 😂

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/07/2026 16:54

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:52

No, I make it clear that if an item is ruined/lost, it is to be replaced, over time if necessary. Someone once did get shitfaced and leave a v expensive handbag of mine at a venue. She went back the next day and got it, so all was well. If she hadn’t found it, I’d have expected it to be replaced.

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And what if the person refuses to pay or replace it?

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:54

ZanyPoet · 10/07/2026 16:51

oh stop it, what is the new fashion from CF to reverse everything and pretending it's acceptable to be entitled to everything for free?

It IS a life skill not to be a doormat. Works with entitled relatives, in-laws from hell, but also at work and in life in general.

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This made me laugh, because if you knew me in RL, you’d know I’m as far from a doormat as you can get. I just don’t have a particular issue with lending possessions and if I can help someone, I will.

ZanyPoet · 10/07/2026 16:54

AlbieJiggered · 10/07/2026 16:53

You should decline but take your young relative to a designer of her choice and pay for a bespoke dress for her. You know that's the right thing to do.

you what now? 😂😂

Why don't you send the money for a dress to the OP if you are feeling that generous? I am sure the relative will be so grateful

AlbieJiggered · 10/07/2026 16:53

You should decline but take your young relative to a designer of her choice and pay for a bespoke dress for her. You know that's the right thing to do.

ZanyPoet · 10/07/2026 16:52

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:45

If they really can’t afford a dress for her, I would. I’m happy to lend my things (except shoes!) and I’ve never had any issues.

She can borrow from someone else
rent one
buy one for a charity shop
buy one from vinted
buy one from a cheaper high-street store

do a bit of babysitting/ pet sitting and earn enough for a dress

WHO demands a prom dress early July and only starts thinking about it?

WallaceinAnderland · 10/07/2026 16:52

£500 deposit which they get back if dress is returned in good condition. Otherwise they forfeit. If they agree to that and give the money upfront I would lend it. If not, no.

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:52

DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 16:49

Out of interest, if an expensive item had been ruined, what would you have expected to happen? Would you just accept the loss?

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No, I make it clear that if an item is ruined/lost, it is to be replaced, over time if necessary. Someone once did get shitfaced and leave a v expensive handbag of mine at a venue. She went back the next day and got it, so all was well. If she hadn’t found it, I’d have expected it to be replaced.

HelenaWilson · 10/07/2026 16:51

If they really can’t afford a dress for her, I would.

If I felt I wanted to do something, I'd rather give some money as a contribution towards buying a new dress than lend an expensive favourite dress of my own or dd's.

ZanyPoet · 10/07/2026 16:51

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:48

Alternatively, you could teach her to help others, if she can. Better to give than to receive and all that…..

Show quote history

oh stop it, what is the new fashion from CF to reverse everything and pretending it's acceptable to be entitled to everything for free?

It IS a life skill not to be a doormat. Works with entitled relatives, in-laws from hell, but also at work and in life in general.

LibraryLady26 · 10/07/2026 16:49

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:48

Alternatively, you could teach her to help others, if she can. Better to give than to receive and all that…..

Show quote history

She should not be taught to help others to her own detriment. This is how women get walked all over. She has the absolute right to say no.

faithfultoGeorgeMichael · 10/07/2026 16:49

overflowingbin · 10/07/2026 16:48

Alternatively, you could teach her to help others, if she can. Better to give than to receive and all that…..

Show quote history

I was bullied into lending a special dress, she ripped it and then acted like I was petty and precious for mentioning it. This is how people are. Why is it better to give than receive? Why is it always women this shit is directed at?