AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

Hardly. The OP specifically stated 'an event'. She's correcting the assumption that the event is another prom.

This was years ago and I was significantly over weight, I mean many stones, and I bought myself a lovely pale blue lined silk shift dress. It was beautiful and 4 sizes smaller than I wore. It was my incentive dress.

Every month, after weigh in, I initially held it against me, as I was too big to get in it, then I could get in it but there was no way I could get the zip even an inch up, I took monthly photos from the moment I could get in it, even thought it wouldn't fasten.

Anyway I went away for 5 days in the UK and when I came back, the silk dress was hanging on a hangar over the radiator and had a massive stain/bleach mark on the front. It was literally right in front of my face as I arrived home early. 10 mins later my flatmate came rushing through the door and carrelled into me looking at the dress near to tears.

Basically she had worn it to an evening business event and spilt red wine on it. She says she had gone to the bathroom straight away to try wipe it off and that made it worse. So several hrs later she came home, took it off and put some stain remover on that was meant for white cotton shirts and put it on a hot was in the washing machine. The very worst combination for a proper silk lined dress. She had then hung it on the hangar to dry, hoping it didn't look as bad when she got back.

I was gutted. She said it wasn't as if it was a new dress or anything special....well I begged to differ it had never been properly worn by me and it was special enough for her to "borrow" it for an important business meal. It cost me a whole weeks wages and when I said that, she said no worries, just wear one of my dresses when you go out, if of course you ever lose enough weight to fit in one of my dresses.

That was the beginning of the end for our joint tenancy!

So no, if she does not want to loan it out, then don't. There are lots of nice dresses on Vinted and Ebay.

Drip feeder

My post was to the poster who said they would lend the dress but if it got ruined she would end the relationship.

My view was the same as yours - don't risk ending the relationship, just don't lend the dress in the first place. It's not worth cutting off a family member for. I find that too extreme a response.

No. Okay to say you don’t lend things to people.
These are things that belong to you ( or your daughter in this case). They aren’t things that automatically can be lent out to anybody. Family or not.
Just say you don’t lend or borrow things. No more explanation needed.

The relative has had many years to put a bob or 2 away. Not your problem she didn't .
Tell her about Klarna.

The family wanting to borrow the dress have already said they can't afford it so wouldn't be replacing it if they damaged it. Why are you arguing @DeathByZaraTrousers is doing wrong by not loaning out the dress when your own conditions would mean you wouldn't either??

If you are that keen to be kind, you loan her a dress that won't be replaced if damaged and then just end the relationship with this complete stranger. 🙄

Have a look at Snarky in the suburbs on Instagram (hilarious generally but) she has a long running saga of a woman lending a dress to a friend. It's now a civil and police case in the USA! 🤣

No I wouldn't lend it, and they're cheeky twats for even asking. I wouldn't dream of asking someone to borrow a dress - or anything at all! Never have done and never will do.

When I was at school, I was a massive people pleaser and would lend all my videotapes, magazines etc to my friends. Not once did I get them back in the condition I'd lent them in. Always came back ripped/smashed/broken. When in my 20s my cousin was a CF and would always ask to borrow clothes and CDs. Never got them back.

Now I've become rather hard hearted because of all my experiences with how rude and careless people have been with my belongings all my life.

“My daughter doesn’t want to lend her dress, which was expensive and means a lot to her. Thank you for understanding that she will not be lending it.”

We don’t know the circumstances though really do we

I’d turn it round, I think. “It’s hers - it’s a personal thing and, honestly, I don’t think it was entirely appropriate to ask for that sort of thing to be loaned in the first place. But it’s certainly completely out of order to be going on about it when she has said she doesn’t wish to. I don’t want to hear any more on the subject.”

I've said on other threads that my mum was guilted into loaning her wedding dress.

The dress came back with sweat stains under the arms and the veil had a cigarette burn.

The same person later borrowed the same veil and headdress for a 'a family member in the forces'. They never came back.

Of course not. It’s her dress and if they wreck it she’ll be really upset. They won’t buy her a new one - people like this never do.

I love the number of people on here who say they would happily lend out a £500 dress without question. When they don’t actually have to do it.

No good deed goes unpunished. If you lend out the dress, the likelihood is that it will either get ruined or you won't get it back. You will have no recourse and your family who are all now pressuring you, will side with the person who either ruined, lost, lent out, or sold the dress out from under you. Just skip all those steps and don't lend out the dress. Anyone who feels that there's no risk to being generous with your 500 pound possession is more than welcome to buy a dress for this girl and lend it to her themselves.

Is it an emergency prom? Did a special siren go off in their school catchment area yesterday? If she doesn't go wearing a £500 dress will she be shot out of a cannon into a pit of venomous snakes? Will her loved ones be whipped though the streets, forced to wear (whispers) tk maxxx dresses (the horror) with nuns ringing their shame bell? How awful for her. How awful for your whole family

How will you manage the guilt OP? Imagine not picking up the pieces of a relative's lack of planning for a luxury item, wanted (not needed) for predictable, non life threatneing event. You right cowbags.

I know, get saving now and you'll have enough put by to spring for Lapland at Christmas for them all and maybe a new iPhone each if you start a small side hustle. Come on OP get your finger out. It's nice to be nice after all

I would only lend something if I didn’t mind it coming back to me or not! I would obviously prefer it to come back, and might be annoyed that it didn’t but I wouldn’t be emotionally upset or financially affected.

Seems like the dress has both an emotional value and a financial one so no, I wouldn’t lend it out.

It's up to you and your DD, but yes, people do lend clothes. One of my neighbour's lent me a dress to wear for my cousin's wedding, and actually that same neighbour - who at the time barely knew me - lent me her car when I accidentally locked myself out the house so I could drive to my DH's work to get his keys.

You can find Prom dress for £20 or £30 on Vinted, I've just looked
And probably the same or cheaper in your local charity shops

Let's not pretend the family is suffering from such a hardship if they have set up their eyes on the expensive dress from the OP's daughter 😂

Asking for a loan of £10 or £20 for a dress? I would have more sympathy.

I think the phrase "Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" works here. Yes she could lend the dress but if it is ruined (and believe me, it happens a lot, I have worked many proms) then its gone forever and the DD doesnt want to risk that. Its a perfectly acceptable decision.

Would you lend your wedding dress?

This really. It’s all that needs to be said. And then ignore.

Also they can’t guarantee it won’t be trashed. Takes one other drunk teen with a glass of red wine or a cigarette however careful the wearer is.

If they are cheeky enough to ask to borrow such an expensive dress, they definitely won’t pay to replace it if it gets damaged. This type NEVER take responsibility financially. They’ll just say they don’t have the money, you are rich (according to them) and that means that you can afford to buy another one.

It’s much easier to say a firm no. If this family doesn’t speak to you again, is it really going to be such a big loss?