AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

Your dd is right.

Years ago when I was traveling in Australia and at a loose end I wandered into a boutique shop and got chatting to the owner. She asked me to try on a new dress so she could photograph me in it. It was stunning, absolutely stunning. I fell in love with it and asked the price. It was 200 pounds and this was twenty five years ago. I had about 250 left in my bank account. I bought it and brought it back to our hostel and my very perplexed boyfriend. I had nowhere to wear it.

A year later I flew home to my cousin's wedding and wore the dress. I have only one photo of me and I love it so much - I remember exactly how I felt, beautiful, excited, happy and sad all at once.

The dress went another few places before my dickhead then friend appeared asking to borrow it for an event. I said no, that if something happened she would have to replace it. She scoffed she wouldn't be flying to Australia so I corrected she would have to replace with a similar dress.

The dress was returned - actually I'm pretty sure I went and collected it when she didn't bother. On inspection she had smoked dope in it and hot rocks had burned little holes in it. It was filthy and had deodorant stains.

She never replaced the dress, there was lots of eyerolling and vague plans to 'repair' it. I was invited to choose a dress from her sister's 'amazing' collection (all the wrong size and not my style at all).

Never again. Tell your daughter she's more than entitled to say no. I wish I had, not really because of the dress but because the feeling of being bullied stayed with me.

No, I wouldn’t lend the dress out. I’d also stick with my Daughter’s wishes, and would not be persuading her. The amount of replies telling you to loan the dress out, are probably from CFs.

this 100%

Nonsense. If the dress is damaged then they can't afford to replace it. No absolutely don't lend it.

I would have lent it to her for a prom, but definitely not for an 18th birthday party. I think it's much more likely to be ruined there.

Its hot, I'm sad/shocked about Anne Widdecombe's murder. Apologies if this isn't helpful.

How much would it cost to insure the dress for the 18th birthday party? Would the relative be willing to pay that amount of insurance? If so they have the budget to hire or buy. If not presumably your insurance wouldn't cover it.

This is not to suggest your DD should lend the dress. Apart from anything else, depending on the dress, it's a bit like lending underwear.

Perhaps all the relatives harassing you would like to contribute to a GoFundMe for the party goer to hire something (as she wants to borrow an expensive dress and it definitely won't get ruined). If you were feeling generous you could match what she puts in herself.

You’ve said no so that’s the end of it.

In our family and friendship circles lending and borrowing stuff happens quite often. Fancy bag that someone isn’t going to use again but would like to borrow, nice watch, pair of boots etc, gets loaned and returned.
Don’t think we’ve ever not gotten anything of high value back tbh.
the things I never get back are crappy paperback books!!
My world is made nicer by my community around me, I’m happy to lend personally but you’ve made your decision and they should respect that.

It's a £500 dress!

Not a pair of earrings from Claire's!

Tell the family, the kid’s still got time to learn to sew her own bloody dress.

I can’t believe the number of CF posters telling OP she should lend the dress out although I suspect they’re the type to do the borrowing and ruining, rather than lending!

This. It doesn't matter if she will wear it again or not, if it cost 5p or a million quid. Its her dress and she gets to say whether she will loan it or not. As someone upthread said, we are back to the "be kind" brigade here.

The OPs dd doesn't want to lend her dress, that's it, end of. Nobody should be made to feel bad because they don't want to lend their belongings to someone else.
The kind of people who think it's ok to pressure someone to lend them their stuff when they've already said no, will never look after it. They don't value anything, they just want a free ride in life.
Asking once is ok. Continuing to ask when told no, is not ok.
I personally wouldn't lend anyone my clothes whether they're expensive or not. I don't want to and that's a good enough reason. It doesn't make the OP or her dd bad people because they have boundaries. There's always someone on here encouraging other women to be doormats - at least the majority seem to be against it though.
How can it ever be ok to bully someone into lending you their clothes for goodness sake?

Because the be nice crew have arrived
They tell you that you must be nice and squash down your perfectly valid feelings for others

Neither you nor your daughter need to justify the decision about loaning the dress. The 18 year old does not need an expensive dress that she cannot afford to replace if it gets damaged. There is absolutely no reason why she cannot borrow a cheaper dress, rent a dress, or buy a fabulous dress at a reasonable price from Mango/Zara. You can even find lovely stuff in places like Primark. 18 year olds look fab in everything.

One on another thread has a couple demanding a free holiday! And the op being berated by virtue signallers for not providing it! You couldn’t make it up.

They do wear them again. Dd took both her dresses (one for year 11 prom one year 13 formal dinner) and has worn them several times for uni balls etc and will keep wearing them. Formal Dresses like that don’t really follow fashion that much.

No. Make a stand now. These threads are peppered with women and have lent something beloved to them and it’s been damaged or never returned - there was a brand new Dyson Airwrap one a couple of years ago which was mind blowing.
This girl is looking for a dress for a birthday party.
Your daughter has an expensive dress which good for her she wants to rewear. It will have all sorts of special memories for her. She may even keep it for her own daughter.
What is with all these CFs at the moment? Demanding lifts, rides on horses, special dresses and getting others involved.
I have always had lovely clothes (it’s my thing) and everyone who knows me knows not to ask. After a few things went missing in my younger years it’s a no.
Dresses are everywhere now - go on ASOS, Vinted, the sales.

Yeah, you had something nice and she wanted it. That (in her head) was all the justification that was needed.

Took me far too many years to work that one out!

The dress belongs to your daughter, she doesn't want to lend it to someone, there's your answer.

Some people are just CF.

When I was at high school (Scotland) I got a new coat. One of the girls in my class immediately demanded that I loan it to her to wear to a party.

It was a nice coat, but not actually the kind of coat you'd wear en route to a party, I should have thought.

I immediately said "No." It was my only good coat and there was no way that my parents could have afforded to replace it. (To top it all, the girl was on the fringes of the group that was bullying me.)

I remember being quite puzzled and wondering what she imagined I could wear while she was in possession of my coat.

No, that's not what I meant. I was responding to a reply someone else had given. A poster had said they WOULD lend an item, but if the person borrowing it ruined it and didn't replace/pay for it they'd end the friendship. The reply was questioning that they'd really end a friendship over it. I was pointing out that actually they'd then have lost both the item AND the friend, which I think is too high a risk to take. Better to just not lend things that are precious to you in the first place.

I saw prom dresses in a charity warehouse yesterday. She needs to look around.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5551253-people-expecting-lifts?page=12&reply=153400307

Your thread made me think of this one,more people being generous on behalf.of the OP but it actually wanting to do anything themselves. I
As PP said suggest the flying monkeys all chip in to buy a dress if they are so keen for the girl to have a posh frock for the party

It's not. Men do it with cars and laptops etc, just most men wouldn't have a dress, no shade at any that do.
OP, tell her she can get perfectly nice dresses for £25 online. It's true. I would say you could just look for one in a similar style/colour for that price and give it to her, but then why should you when they're being so rude?

Not unreasonable at all. She can just wear a dress her family can afford or a dress she already owns.