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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

690 replies

DeathByZaraTrousers · 10/07/2026 16:41

First world problems, I know.

My daughter had her year 11 prom last year. We bought her a lovely dress for it, not from a prom dress shop but a dress that she could wear again to weddings and parties. She has already worn it to another event. It cost about £500.

Another young person in the family is now asking to borrow it for an event. My daughter doesn’t want to lend it to her as she doesn’t want to risk it being ruined. We are now both getting texts from other family members to say my daughter should lend the dress to the other girl, she’s family, she won’t ruin it, she can’t afford her own etc.

I’ve told my daughter to ignore them, but would other people really lend out their clothes. My daughter would be gutted if it was ruined and I’m sure they wouldn’t pay for it, as they wouldn’t have the money.

Are we being unreasonable to not lend the dress?

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 14:25

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 14:04

Have day off, I haven't berated anyone - I commented once. Don't be so dramatic.

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You made a moral judgement and accused them of snobbery (well, "snubbery"); of course that's berating them. Then you pretty much admitted you wouldn't take charge on a £500 dress either. And now you're accusing me of being dramatic for noticing. Neither dramatic nor snobbery mean what you think they mean.

There are some right corkers on here today.

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 14:04

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 13:53

Are you now realising that you've been berating people for doing exactly what you'd do?

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Have day off, I haven't berated anyone - I commented once. Don't be so dramatic.

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 13:53

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:49

Bloody hell all I said was I couldn't imagine not helping family if I could afford to.

Just say you don't like your family members enough to help them.

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Are you now realising that you've been berating people for doing exactly what you'd do?

User18713903 · 13/07/2026 13:52

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:49

Bloody hell all I said was I couldn't imagine not helping family if I could afford to.

Just say you don't like your family members enough to help them.

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No thats not all you said is it

You called people snobs just because they didnt agree with you.

Not really the same thing at all 🙄

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:49

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 13:41

Ah, so £500 dresses are the exception for you?

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Bloody hell all I said was I couldn't imagine not helping family if I could afford to.

Just say you don't like your family members enough to help them.

godmum56 · 13/07/2026 13:44

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:39

Depends how desperate they are. Harassed and bullied are big words.

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how desperate can you be for a dress to wear to a birthday party?

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 13:41

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:37

I am not saying a £500 dress but if it was a family member and I could afford it, I would offer to help purchase a dress. Family is family.

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Ah, so £500 dresses are the exception for you?

User18713903 · 13/07/2026 13:40

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:38

🙄Are we family? Probably not so no.

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wow- snobbery at its finest 🙄 didnt realise good deeds and kindness only applies to those related to you

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:39

godmum56 · 13/07/2026 13:38

even after they had harassed/bullied your daughter to lend her dress?

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Depends how desperate they are. Harassed and bullied are big words.

godmum56 · 13/07/2026 13:38

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:37

I am not saying a £500 dress but if it was a family member and I could afford it, I would offer to help purchase a dress. Family is family.

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even after they had harassed/bullied your daughter to lend her dress?

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:38

User18713903 · 13/07/2026 11:47

I've seen a dress I want - will you send me the money?

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🙄Are we family? Probably not so no.

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 13:37

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 11:46

You can't imagine declining to buy someone else a £500 dress? Really? I've got my eye on a Vampire's Wife dress, can you buy it for me?

And anyway, refusing to buy stuff for people who demand it isn't snobbery. At worst it's tightness (although clearly not in this case).

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I am not saying a £500 dress but if it was a family member and I could afford it, I would offer to help purchase a dress. Family is family.

godmum56 · 13/07/2026 13:33

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 11:36

I couldn't imagine being able to afford to help and not help. Snubbery at it's finest.

We need a "be kind" brigade badge. It would warn the rest of us.

User18713903 · 13/07/2026 11:47

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 11:36

I couldn't imagine being able to afford to help and not help. Snubbery at it's finest.

I've seen a dress I want - will you send me the money?

ThatCyanCat · 13/07/2026 11:46

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 11:36

I couldn't imagine being able to afford to help and not help. Snubbery at it's finest.

You can't imagine declining to buy someone else a £500 dress? Really? I've got my eye on a Vampire's Wife dress, can you buy it for me?

And anyway, refusing to buy stuff for people who demand it isn't snobbery. At worst it's tightness (although clearly not in this case).

FedUp120028 · 13/07/2026 11:36

I couldn't imagine being able to afford to help and not help. Snubbery at it's finest.

thenightsky · 12/07/2026 22:24

Stationbike · 12/07/2026 20:36

No wonder there are so many abused women out there, with so many reared to put themselves last, give away what they value to anyone who asks.

Never allowed to have any boundaries about their own possessions, never allowed to say No.

It explains so much.
Don't doubt yourself OP.

Far better to always say NO, NEVER loan anything that you truly value.
Accidents can and do happen.
Only loan what you are happy never to see again.

Only CF's think it reasonable to borrow a £500 dress.

Absolutely this.

Stationbike · 12/07/2026 20:36

No wonder there are so many abused women out there, with so many reared to put themselves last, give away what they value to anyone who asks.

Never allowed to have any boundaries about their own possessions, never allowed to say No.

It explains so much.
Don't doubt yourself OP.

Far better to always say NO, NEVER loan anything that you truly value.
Accidents can and do happen.
Only loan what you are happy never to see again.

Only CF's think it reasonable to borrow a £500 dress.

madaboutpurple · 12/07/2026 20:34

If she wants a full length dress then TKmaxx are where teenagers find a good bargain..

VTown · 12/07/2026 20:29

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I’m so glad you didn’t lend the dress! Good for you! And sentimental value should have been enough of an excuse. Actually, “I don’t want to” should have been enough! I’m betting these same relatives would never badger and belittle a man like that.

aLFIESMA · 12/07/2026 17:04

You have said the family are not good at managing/budgeting their money OP. Clearly, rather than address this (there are numerous cheap ways to get hold of a dress) they are transfering the blame on to your daughter. Nice!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/07/2026 16:31

Playdoughy · 12/07/2026 14:59

Can I ask why in the world would you ever lend a dress that was literally tailored for you?!?
At least you had the ultimate excuse why it can't be lent - yet you did it?
I really want to understand why is it so difficult to say no?

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Sorry I didn't explain that very well.
I didn't lend it for that very reason.
I but was badgered by rmore than one relative to lend it and they were all angry with me for keeping on saying no.
They didn't accept the fitted argument They laughed at my "I've got a sentimental attachment to it" argument.
Knowing them and their "when will you ever wear it again" comments (I'd just had a baby) . I knew they would get it cut up and altered to fit them and then hand it back unwearable if they handed it back at all. They made me feel really mean and selfish for not going along with it. That's why I was hoping OP would be able to turn down her badgerers.

Playdoughy · 12/07/2026 16:27

godmum56 · 12/07/2026 15:07

thsi reads to me as though she refused to lend it and the asker was furious because she refused?

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Ah you are absolutely right! Good for her :)

HarshbutTrue2 · 12/07/2026 16:08

AlbieJiggered · 12/07/2026 14:14

Most schools still teach a form of dressmaking. It comes under design technology. They probably don't teach it to a standard where you could knock up a prom dress.

Depends on the dress, she could make one of those slinky slip dresses. The one that I made had boning in it. That was a stretch.

However, i looked on debenhams. They have prom dresses from £29. There's loads for £100 price bracket. Teenage girls need to get savvy.

ConverselyAttired · 12/07/2026 15:10

Hell no. I've a Burberry coat and a Mulberry bag that cost about £500 each and I'm not lending either of those to anybody.