AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

I think it is becoming more of a "thing" - probably because of vinted.

For a few decades there was quite a stigma about second hand clothes, but the combination of fast fashion and then vinted seems to have made people feel clothes are more of a temporary/pass it around item. It isn't uncommon in younger people.

I wouldn't lend the good one, but I'd try to look through my wardrobe/DD's wardrobe and see if there was something decent but not as special we could offer in lieu. If they don't want it, well, that's up to them.

I get what you are saying but how would it be different if it got damaged at a prom? Would that miraculously make it ok?

It’s what I would do if I was in the position to originally afford a £500 prom dress
this is her niece, a child
I can’t imagine a life where I wouldn’t give my beautiful nieces that experience

yes indeed and that is how the family stands the best chance of staying together.

The answer is 'no' and you don't have to excuse it.
My dd can't say 'no' to people, it's got her into so much worry and hassle.
It's your daughter's special dress. The end.

I wonder if some of the posters insisting they would lend the dress have missed the occasion it’s for, and are imagining you are refusing to help a young family member with a dress for a school formal/prom, despite having the means to. In that situation, I would probably be inclined to help (whether lending the dress or in another way) BUT wearing an expensive dress to an 18th birthday party is not a necessity. If it’s the child’s 18th then they could have budgeted an outfit into the cost of the party or they could downgrade the dress code. Wearing an expensive designer dress for someone else’s 18th is overkill and unnecessary.

Bonus: hired dresses are insured against damage. It's not only the borrower who could damage it but other party attendees.

Hiring = Peace of mind for all.

That's lovely, I've never thought of it like that! I've only worn it the once, and it was slightly too big, so it may well still fit me. 😊 (I'm a bit bigger than I was pre DS.)

I'll love it forever. It's black and burgundy velvet with gorgeous flared sleeves. I fell in love with one of Arwin's dresses in the Lord of the Rings films and it's similar to that. 🖤❤️

Her stance was that it wasn't new and wasn't special so I had lost nothing, and this was the woman that had been photographing me in the dress on my weight loss journey. So she knew.

We already had a few issues as she reckoned she was a veggie and every time I came back all the bacon and sausages that I had bought in my weekly shop had gone and she had no idea where....and like she was the only one there. Well apparently not, as her boyfriend was the culprit.

And then when I worked away overnight, she was letting her friends sleep over in my room and they were using the stuff in my room without my knowledge. I bought a new bed as mattress was a bit past it and her mate commented that she liked the other one, it was comfy and I asked how she knew and she openly said she had stayed over in it many times and thought my bedroom was nicer than my flatmates. Apparently her and her boyfriend were staying in my bed every time I went away on a weekend.

So when it came time to renew, I said I was moving out and she said she was moving her boyfriend in. So my name came off the lease and I got the bond back and she had to put a new bond down. She also felt I should have left the bond down for her - it was all mine.

Not a nice person. So no, if I were the OP, if her daughter didn't want to loan out the dress, she doesn't have to,

I consider myself a very generous person and I’m really laid back about breakages, etc. But I wouldn’t lend the dress. Irrelevant of who wants to borrow it, for whatever occasion and even if they could buy a replacement. It’s too precious. I’d be happy for DD to loan friends her prom dresses, but she also has a beautiful dress we bought in Saks, New York City, that is just too precious to us all and definitely won’t be loaned out.

I wouldn’t borrow a loved dress from someone, too much responsibility … the fact they are pushing to borrow shows they don’t understand value, and I don’t mean money.

Even if it wasn’t damaged I bet your daughter wouldn’t get it back, it would be “lost” or passed on to another friend.

I think your DD is absolutely right to say no. As I've often read on posts on Mumsnet (I don't particularly like the phrase but) - "No is a full sentence!"

I think it's fine to say no. It's a precious thing for her and she doesn't feel comfortable lending it. It's her special dress that only she wants to wear.

She doesn't owe them the right to wear it. They are being ridiculous to make a big thing of it. They asked (fair enough) DD said no. That's it.

Well, if they are so sure that it won't be ruined then they won't mind giving you the £500 to keep until they return it back to you.

It doesn't matter how many other occasions she is likely to wear it, it belongs to her and she doesn't want to lend it. No one is entitled to other peoples things.

The family member can simply wear a cheaper dress like many people who can't afford £500 dresses. She'll survive.

Your friend/cousin/sister - “Hey, I’m skint and need a dress for a party, your lovely new expensive dress would be perfect.”

You - “Yeah sure, be careful with it as it’s new you’d have to replace it”

Your loved one thinks I’ll be super careful, I won’t ruin it so I don’t need to worry about replacing it

Someone pours red wine or grease down her, no fault of her own. The dress is ruined.

You ask for your £500 but as you very well know, she doesn’t have £500, she told you she’s skint, and it wasn’t her fault, it was an accident surely you’re not going to make her pay? You’re friends/cousins/sisters. You’re literally taking food out of her kids mouths!

And you’re just like tough luck, don’t contact me again we’re done.

What happens the next time someone else asks to borrow your expensive new item? Would you risk it again?

This is why companies have credit checks - you’re an irresponsible lender lol

Could you suggest to the relatives sticking their noses in that they could maybe source her a dress if they feel so strongly about it? Cheeky fuckers.

I obviously think differently to most people on here. Because, for me, the consequence would be that I no longer have a relationship with them. So, no more family parties, no more meals out together, no more Christmases at my house. Those consequences?

Nope, and I've never spent that much on a dress. My most expensive dess was £125, it was my dream dress and I'm not lending it to anyone! I wanted it to be my wedding dress but couldn't afford it when I got married, and eventually bought it after I left my husband and wore it to a LARP event in 2019.

Her dress, her choice.
I know one of mine would lend it out, I know my other one, would absolutely not. The one who would lend it, is a bit more like me, we don’t really look after stuff or particularly value it, the other really cares and would be gutted if something happened. You have to respect that and so does your family.

Some right CF’s in your family, OP! It might be okay to politely ask the owner of whatever random thing CF family members want to borrow, but as soon as they don’t accept the refusal and start emotionally blackmailing and ganging up on the owner, then all bets are off and they can do one.

Nobody has any right of access over your DD or her belongings. Nobody has the right to emotionally blackmail or bully her. I’d be willing to bet that these would-be “takers” aren’t exactly the best as “giving”, as is often the way.

Circle the wagons OP, back your daughter, and if they don’t stop banging on about it then tell them to bugger off.

that's great, lend her yours