AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

You have no obligation to lend it, but I would because that’s the kind thing to do. It’s unlikely to get ruined.

I would lend out most things but not a dress of that price point. Unless the mum was willing to give you something worth £500 that she’s willing to give you if her DD ruins the dress. Jewellery… phone… laptop etc.

Insurance essentially.

Maybe not prom but a teen is less likely to get shitfaced and vom down their dress at a family wedding than an 18th party with possibly no adult supervision.

Its up to the girls parents to pay for their daughters clothes.

CF's dont care about things like that. I have them in my family. Once its clear that they are not getting anything out of you, then they dont care about losing out on relationships, because to them relationships are transactional. They give as little as they can and get out of you as much as they can. Its no punishment to them to miss out on Christmas lunch, they will just mooch off someone else.

Nope.

That's for things like lending some a tenner, not a £500 dress.

If you cannot afford to replace something someone loans you, or at least have some insurance in place, you have no business borrowing that item.

disagree, why are weddings or proms less likely to end up messy?

nailed it

I was talking about that poster, not the OP. That poster doesn't own the dress, won't lose anything if it all goes pearshaped so can happily sit there and do the "be kind" dance.
There's another post on here about someone being pressurised to give regular lifts to an art class. Same thing, the people who are doing the pressurising "Be Kind" crap aren't offering their own resource but are happy to say what others should do.

Let me rephrase this, in a more accurate way:

“Why not let your daughter learn that her opinions and wishes regarding her own possessions don’t matter, that other people’s wants are more important than her feelings, that her boundaries will be trampled by people who are supposed to care about her and that her mother will allow her to be emotionally blackmailed, not have her back and ultimately side with the people trying to bully her”.

I was already on the OPs side but then she added it’s an 18th birthday party. No fucking way would I let my teen wear their own 500 quid dress let alone borrow someone elses! It’ll get something on it or a ciggie burn.

I do think being clear what the event was is relevant. I feel like there’s a higher chance of something happening to the dress at a teen party than a wedding or prom.

Tell them to give you a £300 damage deposit which you’ll gladly refund if the dress is returned to your daughter in perfect condition.

Honestly why are relatives so damn entitled? Ok you’re ‘lucky’ you are in a position to afford an expensive dress, but that doesn’t mean you should become a charity to less wealthy family members.

That's an option. I bet they'll shut up asking then.

not even that. Its "I think you should be kind because its costing ME nothing"
But if the dress is ruined?

not even that. Its "I think you should be kind because its costing ME nothing"

Alternatively, you could teach her to help others, if she can. Better to give than to receive and all that…..,,
Ah, the ingrained default position of women, be kind, but always at your own expense.

Wow OP. Some of the responses here are wild!

You paid £500 for a dress for YOUR daughter as you could afford it. The dress belongs to your daughter who has chosen to wear it on several occasions. Said relative hasn't saved for her daughter's event and now wants daughter to borrow your daughter's dress. Your daughter doesn't want to lend the dress. Relative isn't wrong to ask the question. Your daughter isn't wrong to say no to the request. Relative is wrong to insist on receipt of the dress - the entitlement of relative is grabby and how people on here don't see it is beyond me.

Stick to your guns

Ignore all the emotional blackmail posts. The girls parents can buy her a dress.

I can't see why its different if its a prom?

yes as a child, I loaned a book that came back with the cover torn. last book I ever loaned. I give them away but no more lending.

Do we tell blokes to be kind like this? What if someone’s DH’s friend asked to borrow his £500 fishing rod/carbon bike wheels/3D printer? Would we say he should lend it out if he didn’t feel comfortable doing so to beee kiiiind

Ah sorry my mistake. I would definitely not lend it if your daughter doesn’t want to. I can’t believe the other girl can’t find a dress she likes in her budget.

I am not sure what "enough" wear is?

You are right to support your daughter saying no OP. My DM was such a people pleaser and would have done the opposite.

It also reminds me of a situation I had a few years ago. My DD took a (favourite) book to read when we went to visit a friend of mine because her DC are younger, so they don’t generally play together. We accidentally left the book behind because we had to leave in a hurry (another story). I messaged my friend asking her to put the book aside and I would pick it up as soon as I could. Well, she didn’t, and her DDs “read it” and ceased the cover and several of the pages came out it. It came back very tatty and DD was very upset. My friend didn’t care, and said “oh, we could buy you another for your birthday!” Totally didn’t understand. I know that to an adult it’s just a book, but it was really important to my DD.