AIBU to not lend a dress to a family member?

500 pounds for a dress for a teenager is a lot. Don't lent it if you don't want to.

Dont..... people are arseholes and entitled, I'm talking from experience. I lent someone a beautiful cocktail dress for an event and I kept asking for it back, I had several excuses about wanting to get it dry cleaned blah blah blah. Months later I said look I need it for an event myself I'll just get it dry cleaned, she returned it very sheepishly and admitted she had ruined it by dropping a lit cigarette her lap so it had a burn whole. I was livid but made to feel I was being unreasonable FFS!

No is a complete sentence

Your DD will get lots of wear out that dress, it was an investment purchase and she absolutely should not lend it. What a cheek to even ask, plenty of affordable dresses out there. Stand firm!

I felt bad when my eldest give hers to my youngest to borrow for a party. We did the same and brought one she’d wear again and she has. It’s not the fact we couldn’t go get a different dress if ruined, but more of she found one she loved which was a huge task and you can’t get it anymore. I wouldn’t risk it.

I’ve been told by others that I’m a kind and generous person however I’d have to put my foot down here. This is about your daughter’s boundaries as well as her decision making abilities. If these people need a dress so badly they can go find one secondhand through the usual channels or budget their money better.

I'd just stress the sentimental value and that your daughter would be uncomfortable sharing such an important outfit that's meant for her own special occasions only, not someone else's.. like sharing a boyfriend, to some people(!) and I would highlight that no one can promise not to ruin something, that's like promising not to have a car accident. You can't control other people and accidents are by nature, not planned.

Also: point them to sites like Vinted.

Isn't there a cheaper alternative similar looking dress they could buy? I'm sure there must be

This is the sort of thing that people who feel entitled to other people’s stuff would says

I haven’t read the whole thread which I know is frowned upon but I’ve got really lovely Coast evening dresses second hand from Vinted for £30 upwards as I can’t afford to buy posh long elegant dresses straight off the website since having kids and they have lovely draping around the waist and tummy which hide my Mum tum.
I’m sure the family of the girl wanting to borrow OP’s DD’s dress can stretch to £30 - £50 to buy a second hand Vinted dress.
If I had invested £500 in a beautiful designer dress for my daughter then no, I don’t want anyone demanding their daughter be lent it.
There are dresses that are worn again and again as it makes the person wearing them feel and look amazing and if you find that dress you hang onto it.
Overriding DD’s decision to say no will make her feel like anything she owns isn’t really hers as someone can ask to borrow it and it gets handed over.
I had a lovely green Reiss dress once and a friend coaxed me into lending it to her. I advised it was dry clean only and when it was eventually given back to me it had been machine washed and the seams around the sleeveless armholes had come undone and were all frayed, plus she had tumble dried it and there was pilling on the fabric.

Don’t be bullied into saying yes here OP. YANBU and ignore the pious beee nice gang.

Of course but hems get trodden on at both events. Risk is still higher anywhere alcohol is unsupervised.

I gave all my party dresses to the poor and needy children because I am so virtuous. It's such a shame that I'm so modest, otherwise I'd be beatified for setting such a wonderful example to humankind.

I didn’t say that, I said there was a higher chance at the party.

I have lent friends clothes before, and other items.

But I never lend something of sentimental value, or that I can't replace, or that I would just hate to lose.

To those saying your daughter should 'be kind' and lend this dress - no, she doesn't have to. It is very special for her, she's already reworn it once, and will be doing so again, twice, in the near future.

To those saying ' oh this poor (family member) girl can't afford a dress' - of course she can.
Just not a £500 one.
Look in charity shops, on Vinted, in pre-loved shops, Ebay etc etc - there are literally loads of options.

I have often given my clothes to my friends to wear and it never bothered my parents. I had nice clothes growing up and loved helping others dress for events. If my daughter did not want to share her dress it would be her choice. Depending on who this other child was and how close I was to them I might buy them a dress. I would definitely not force my child to part with something that is special to them. That’s just not right.

‘Designer of her choice’
In the nicest way, why is this the OP’s responsibility?. It’s a very expensive thing to do. Not sure many people would take someone else’s child to a designer of their choice and kit them out!

There is vinted, charity shops, eBay, lots of dresses on there usually as people often wear them just once and happy to sell them on.

Op, I’d say that your daughter is out the same night and plans to wear it. I totally understand neither of you wanting to lend a costly dress that’s still being worn by your daughter. It is a shame they can’t afford a dress, but it’s not your responsibility and as I (& others) have said, there are options which don’t involve your daughter having to lend something she doesn’t want to, and still uses.

I was talking about that poster, not the OP. That poster doesn't own the dress, won't lose anything if it all goes pearshaped so can happily sit there and do the "be kind" dance.
Im sorry, I misunderstood.

I personally think this is the balanced response.

It is neither weird nor unheard of to lend things, especially to family (and indeed traditionally a bride wears "something borrowed"), but nor is it reasonable to expect to specify which item and to push the owner into it if it is a special item.

I have things I would lend in this circumstance and things I wouldn't.

Making it outrageous on the one hand to lend and outrageous on the other hand not to is overreacting in both directions.

fair comment. but accidents don't happen? hems don't get trodden on?

and we have another one

you could ask for a 500 deposit upfront for any damages etc @DeathByZaraTrousers

I've happily lend dresses to friends and family but I also have items that I would not lend to anyone. It's not an either-or situation. No way would I lend an expensive and well loved dress to someone I don't fully trust to be responsible. Even if I fully trusted the person, I would have no issue saying "this dress means a lot to me and I am not letting anyone borrow this one." They are asking for a favour. It's ok to decline the favour.

Vinted sell loads of prom dresses, can’t the family member get one there? I wouldn’t lend it. It’s your daughters choice and you should support that

The parents have had 18 years and 9 months advance notice that this birthday was coming up. If they had saved £2.22 per month they could have saved a total of £499.50, leaving them just 50p short.

Give them 50p OP, hashtag be kind innit.

Generally because their parents are at the wedding and teachers are at prom.