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Original poster

To be upset with DD for this?

408 replies

dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 16:17

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

OP posts:
ChalkOutlines · 11/07/2026 10:38

itchyelbowsandswollenankles · 11/07/2026 10:31

62 posts now.

Get a grip ffs

Did you bother to read those 62 posts? Or just stopped at counting them? OP is getting a grip, being introspective, listening and engaging. She’s looking at beyond the dress, because she doesn’t have the emotional intelligence of a tea spoon. You should try it, rather than spending your Saturday keeping a tally of her posts.

itchyelbowsandswollenankles · 11/07/2026 10:31

62 posts now.

Get a grip ffs

Cherrytree86 · 11/07/2026 10:29

dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 09:38

I understand that I don’t need to, but I wanted to. It was her first holiday abroad by herself with her boyfriend last year and I wanted to help make it special for her. So as well as buying her some new clothes I also let her have her pick of my summer wardrobe. But yes, lesson learned I guess, at least until she’s a bit older and matured a little (as has been pointed out, her brain isn’t even fully developed yet for another 5 years). I need to keep that in mind, as she’s an adult to all intents and purposes, holds down a demanding job and acts like an adult most of the time. So it’s hard to remember she’s still in that transition from teen to adult 😬

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@dressdrama26

um no, she is an adult, OP. There’s no transition now - that has happened already, she IS an adult now.

Mischance · 11/07/2026 10:07

So it’s hard to remember she’s still in that transition from teen to adult - honestly I don't think she is - I think she is there already!

Mischance · 11/07/2026 10:06

The transition to an adult-adult relationship is a tricky one and in this scenario might best be advanced by just giving the young woman a hug - virtual or otherwise - and letting go of your annoyance about this minor mistake which she has rectified.
And not thinking of her as a "kid" might be another step in the night direction!

I have 3 adult DDs and relating to them as adults is a huge joy that enhances my life no end. I am still their mum and that will never change for any of us.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 09:38

Cherrytree86 · 11/07/2026 09:33

THIS! You don’t need to lend your clothes, OP. you just don’t, not even to your daughter. some people on here will try to give you the message that as a woman especially as a mother you simply can’t have anything for yourself, you have to SHARE and BE KIND at whatever cost to yourself, but it’s simply not true.

its great your daughter has replaced the dress but it would have been super annoying for you if you’d had an event on and wanted to wear this dress and went to your wardrobe only to discover it wasn’t there.

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I understand that I don’t need to, but I wanted to. It was her first holiday abroad by herself with her boyfriend last year and I wanted to help make it special for her. So as well as buying her some new clothes I also let her have her pick of my summer wardrobe. But yes, lesson learned I guess, at least until she’s a bit older and matured a little (as has been pointed out, her brain isn’t even fully developed yet for another 5 years). I need to keep that in mind, as she’s an adult to all intents and purposes, holds down a demanding job and acts like an adult most of the time. So it’s hard to remember she’s still in that transition from teen to adult 😬

OP posts:
BettyJoanPerske · 11/07/2026 09:33

YABU. She's replaced it. You need to move on and ignore all the people who are encouraging you to be dramatic about this. Are you sure that you actually told her how valuable it was to you? And I also don't understand why you didn't ask for it back at once.

Cherrytree86 · 11/07/2026 09:33

Whataretalkingabout · 11/07/2026 09:28

Lesson learned. Don't lend your favorite dress to anybody.

Edited

THIS! You don’t need to lend your clothes, OP. you just don’t, not even to your daughter. some people on here will try to give you the message that as a woman especially as a mother you simply can’t have anything for yourself, you have to SHARE and BE KIND at whatever cost to yourself, but it’s simply not true.

its great your daughter has replaced the dress but it would have been super annoying for you if you’d had an event on and wanted to wear this dress and went to your wardrobe only to discover it wasn’t there.

Whataretalkingabout · 11/07/2026 09:28

Lesson learned. Don't lend your favorite dress to anybody.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 09:19

ChalkOutlines · 11/07/2026 09:15

I think it’s important to remember you’re raising humans. There’s no such thing as perfection. For you or them. You don’t have to be the perfect mother. You can’t. No one is. They don’t have to be the perfect kids. They can’t. No one is.. There definitely isn’t a recipe where you do everything right, and you get an excellent result and any failing is on the “cook”. Humans are fallible, imperfect, selfish sometimes etc. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and it’s not a healthy way to raise children , because their fuckups become yours (almost an extension of you, when they’re their own persons with their own personalities, faults, foibles , wants and needs)and thus so much worse in your eyes. As in this instance. Another thing to explore.

Sorry for taking over your thread, I’ll shut up now . Flowers

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Absolutely agree with you - a topic to explore with my therapist for sure 🙂
And there’s no no need to apologise at all - thank you for making such a thoughtful and helpful contribution x

OP posts:
ChalkOutlines · 11/07/2026 09:15

dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 09:06

@ChalkOutlinesoh yeah it’s absolutely not the main thing, of course it isn’t. And of course I understand that people fuck up, however what’s different in this case is that she’s my daughter and parenting an adult is brand new territory to me; and so it’s hard not to internalise any fuck ups as my own fault because I raised her, if that makes any sense? I’m insanely harsh on myself as mum, and so I do tend to see anything like this as a reflection of something I haven’t done correctly in raising her. I do realise that’s not a healthy stance though - it’s just the type of mum I’ve always been. Always harsh on myself and wishing I could do “better” for my kids. So I’d assume this has hit me hard for that reason too (whilst I recognise this is my own insecurity)

I think it’s important to remember you’re raising humans. There’s no such thing as perfection. For you or them. You don’t have to be the perfect mother. You can’t. No one is. They don’t have to be the perfect kids. They can’t. No one is.. There definitely isn’t a recipe where you do everything right, and you get an excellent result and any failing is on the “cook”. Humans are fallible, imperfect, selfish sometimes etc. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself and it’s not a healthy way to raise children , because their fuckups become yours (almost an extension of you, when they’re their own persons with their own personalities, faults, foibles , wants and needs)and thus so much worse in your eyes. As in this instance. Another thing to explore.

Sorry for taking over your thread, I’ll shut up now . Flowers

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 09:06

@ChalkOutlinesoh yeah it’s absolutely not the main thing, of course it isn’t. And of course I understand that people fuck up, however what’s different in this case is that she’s my daughter and parenting an adult is brand new territory to me; and so it’s hard not to internalise any fuck ups as my own fault because I raised her, if that makes any sense? I’m insanely harsh on myself as mum, and so I do tend to see anything like this as a reflection of something I haven’t done correctly in raising her. I do realise that’s not a healthy stance though - it’s just the type of mum I’ve always been. Always harsh on myself and wishing I could do “better” for my kids. So I’d assume this has hit me hard for that reason too (whilst I recognise this is my own insecurity)

OP posts:
ChalkOutlines · 11/07/2026 08:58

dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 08:51

@ChalkOutlines
Overall she is a great kid, yes. Thoughtful and considerate etc, most of the time. I’d said in a previous post this is why I was thrown by the causal dismissiveness and seeming lack of regard around this, it threw me off because it’s not really in keeping with who she is. So the purpose of the thread was me trying to make sense to that, I guess. I have also posted in my previous comments about some of the difficulties around the relationship in general, in terms of the adjustment/ transition to an adult-adult relationship with her (which is an more an adjustment for me than her, I feel). So those difficulties remain (for me), but in terms of her, she’s generally a great kid most of the time. I’m very lucky in that sense. But at a guess, that’s probably why this threw me off even more - that its not usual for her. If that makes any sense.

Edited

That’s why I said blips are normal . Most people fuck up sometimes, they can be careless, thoughtless, forgetful, or even proper dicks sometimes for various reasons. Have you never, ever inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings ? It’s important to look at the big picture and patterns of behaviour when things like this happen, rather than focus on the thing. It doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be upset and even express that upset and talk it out with your daughter. Just don’t let it become the main thing.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 08:51

@ChalkOutlines
Overall she is a great kid, yes. Thoughtful and considerate etc, most of the time. I’d said in a previous post this is why I was thrown by the causal dismissiveness and seeming lack of regard around this, it threw me off because it’s not really in keeping with who she is. So the purpose of the thread was me trying to make sense to that, I guess. I have also posted in my previous comments about some of the difficulties around the relationship in general, in terms of the adjustment/ transition to an adult-adult relationship with her (which is an more an adjustment for me than her, I feel). So those difficulties remain (for me), but in terms of her, she’s generally a great kid most of the time. I’m very lucky in that sense. But at a guess, that’s probably why this threw me off even more - that its not usual for her. If that makes any sense.

OP posts:
ChalkOutlines · 11/07/2026 08:46

dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 20:13

In other words - it’s possibly not even really about the dress. It’s about the meaning I’ve internalised about what it represents for my relationship with my daughter. And the broader insecurities around this for me. Which does help explain why it’s made me so upset, I assume.

Are there actually issues in your relationship? You kept saying in the beginning of the thread that she’s a good, decent kid. Is she? Does she care and shows you that? Does she think about you? Help you out? Does nice things for you? And so on… especially when it matters? If yes, then blips are normal and it really isn’t that deep. If not, then yes there are bigger issues at play and the dress is red herring that everyone will focus on , rather than the real issues. You’d be better off starting a new thread.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 08:34

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 11/07/2026 08:26

I don’t think she sold it. I think something happened to it and she had hoped you’d forgotten about it because she was embarrassed or ashamed to tell you. Maybe she damaged it, or left it at the hotel or lent it to a friend and never got it back.
In any case, she’s resolved the issue. I don’t think you need to be asking the internet their opinion on this one.

You could say that about many Internet threads though couldn’t you? It’s not really for others to judge what folk “need” or “ought” to “ask the internet about”, is it? We all have different things that matter to us and affect us, world would be pretty boring if those topics were perfectly aligned between us all. 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 08:32

itchyelbowsandswollenankles · 11/07/2026 08:27

Is this how you intend to spend your weekend? On a thread with no real meaning, slagging off your daughter and getting all hysterical over a dress?

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Hysterical 😂😂 amazing. Also, literally nowhere have I “slagged my daughter off”, so I’d appreciate if you refrained from continued lies on my thread. And trust me; it’s far less weird that I wish to spend time engaging with my OWN thread about my OWN life, than it is that a complete stranger wishes to do so. How very odd, and frankly a bit sad. But then it takes all sorts doesn’t it….

OP posts:
Zippidydoodah · 11/07/2026 08:29

NoisyMonster678 · 10/07/2026 16:35

Demand she pays you back.

Have you read the op?

itchyelbowsandswollenankles · 11/07/2026 08:27

dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 08:23

I love how I’m being criticised for continuing to engage with my OWN thread, and yet some posters are invested enough in a story about a stranger’s life (which clearly in no way affects them) to feel the need to repeatedly return to the thread that they disagree with, to provide a running commentary of the number of contributions an OP made 🤦🏼‍♀️
Is this really how some folk spend their weekends? 😂

Is this how you intend to spend your weekend? On a thread with no real meaning, slagging off your daughter and getting all hysterical over a dress?

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 11/07/2026 08:26

I don’t think she sold it. I think something happened to it and she had hoped you’d forgotten about it because she was embarrassed or ashamed to tell you. Maybe she damaged it, or left it at the hotel or lent it to a friend and never got it back.
In any case, she’s resolved the issue. I don’t think you need to be asking the internet their opinion on this one.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 08:23

I love how I’m being criticised for continuing to engage with my OWN thread, and yet some posters are invested enough in a story about a stranger’s life (which clearly in no way affects them) to feel the need to repeatedly return to the thread that they disagree with, to provide a running commentary of the number of contributions an OP made 🤦🏼‍♀️
Is this really how some folk spend their weekends? 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 08:19

Is that 55 posts now? 😱

OP posts:
Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 08:18

itchyelbowsandswollenankles · 11/07/2026 08:12

53 posts now.

you’re an adult. You’re getting another dress. Move on.

good morning! 😀

OP posts:
itchyelbowsandswollenankles · 11/07/2026 08:12

53 posts now.

you’re an adult. You’re getting another dress. Move on.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 11/07/2026 08:03

DarkForces · 11/07/2026 00:42

It's never about the dress, it's always about the emotion around it. The next question is, is this actually a pattern of behaviour from dd or deep rooted insecurity that's in you? From what you write you've brought up someone who acts to resolve an issue when they've screwed up, in which case you've done great. Yes, she should apologise if she hasn't but maybe that's something she will learn in time. It's hard to admit you've messed up. Enjoy the dress and the holiday

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Thank you! 😀

OP posts: