Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with DD for this?

408 replies

dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 16:17

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

OP posts:
Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 13:07

Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 13:05

I’ve never said you’re either a dreadful person or a dreadful mother. I’ve engaged with what you’ve told us, and with the way you’ve behaved on the thread. I don’t think you’re dreadful; I think you started off fairly reasonable but you’ve have backed yourself into a bit of a corner (or feel backed into a corner) which has made your response to any suggestion you might be overacting more and more defensive.

Show quote history

I feel in no way “backed into a corner”? I’m unsure what’s led you to this conclusion tbh. I’m engaging in good faith and honestly. If I felt backed into a corner I’d have disengaged.

OP posts:
Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 13:07

dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:56

I have not “egged” anyone on, don’t be ridiculous🙄. I’m engaging in discussion. Feel free to leave the thread if you disagree so strongly. I find it odd that you’ve stuck around given you clearly feel so strongly that I’m a dreadful mother and human.

Show quote history

I’ve more stuck around because I think your daughter sounds like a lovely person (and you agree that she is!) so I think it’s important you give her a break. That’s been my sole motivation really.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 13:06

Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 13:01

I think the issue with that is that the Op is very serious about how it has made her feel. So maybe you’re joking about all the daughters potentially nefarious motives, but the it’s a risky little game to play with a mother & daughter relationship.

Show quote history

well of course I’m serious about it’s made me feel because I am me 😂 my feelings don’t matter to anyone else because they’re not living with them. Who takes one’s feelings more seriously than the person themselves experiencing them? Odd comment.

Also finding the “risky” comment mildly amusing, if there are any serious life implications here. There is nothing “risky” about a stranger’s comments on the internet, as far as my relationship with my daughter of two decades is concerned. Fortunately, my daughter and I have a much more solid foundation and sense of security in our relationship than for it to be shaken in any way be the opinions of strangers. I’m perplexed you would think otherwise tbh.

OP posts:
Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 13:05

dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:56

I have not “egged” anyone on, don’t be ridiculous🙄. I’m engaging in discussion. Feel free to leave the thread if you disagree so strongly. I find it odd that you’ve stuck around given you clearly feel so strongly that I’m a dreadful mother and human.

Show quote history

I’ve never said you’re either a dreadful person or a dreadful mother. I’ve engaged with what you’ve told us, and with the way you’ve behaved on the thread. I don’t think you’re dreadful; I think you started off fairly reasonable but you’ve have backed yourself into a bit of a corner (or feel backed into a corner) which has made your response to any suggestion you might be overacting more and more defensive.

HotCrossBunplease · 12/07/2026 13:04

Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 13:01

I think the issue with that is that the Op is very serious about how it has made her feel. So maybe you’re joking about all the daughters potentially nefarious motives, but the it’s a risky little game to play with a mother & daughter relationship.

Show quote history

Oh I wasn’t joking at all about the nefarious motives. I was putting forward the theories in the knowledge that OP has a sense of perspective about how to react if they were true.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 12/07/2026 13:04

dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:56

I have not “egged” anyone on, don’t be ridiculous🙄. I’m engaging in discussion. Feel free to leave the thread if you disagree so strongly. I find it odd that you’ve stuck around given you clearly feel so strongly that I’m a dreadful mother and human.

Show quote history

I wish I’d left 87 posts ago 😂 never have I seen so much drama over so little.

But im invested now to see if you back down and acknowledge this storm in a teacup!

To quote another poster, it’s really not that deep. She borrowed a dress, was a bit of a dick, did something to your dress, but bought you a new dress, you’re a bit miffed but will get over it because you love your daughter. Yes your feelings are valid but no it probably doesn’t matter because you want to maintain the relationship you have. Yes your daughter is growing up. The end

You strike me as someone that likes to tell other people about their dreams and what they mean.

Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 13:01

HotCrossBunplease · 12/07/2026 12:57

Stop exaggerating for effect. I believe that ONE poster -not me- described the OP’s daughter as an “entitled madam” or some such thing.

I might also add that you don’t seem to appreciate that I and others who are challenging the “get out of jail free” card that it was “just a misunderstanding” are not necessarily doing so in a deeply po-faced and serious way. I suspect that we all agree that, at the end of the day, it’s just a dress.

Show quote history

I think the issue with that is that the Op is very serious about how it has made her feel. So maybe you’re joking about all the daughters potentially nefarious motives, but the it’s a risky little game to play with a mother & daughter relationship.

HotCrossBunplease · 12/07/2026 12:57

Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 12:44

Ok, as I’ve said before - if you think the way you’ve encouraged people to speak about your daughter is going to make you feel better, then that’s for you to process!

You’re right there’s no point explaining over and over - I understand all the points you’ve made, but I’m never going to agree with you that it’s loving or healthy behavior to egg on people calling your daughter names over a dress.

Show quote history

Stop exaggerating for effect. I believe that ONE poster -not me- described the OP’s daughter as an “entitled madam” or some such thing.

I might also add that you don’t seem to appreciate that I and others who are challenging the “get out of jail free” card that it was “just a misunderstanding” are not necessarily doing so in a deeply po-faced and serious way. I suspect that we all agree that, at the end of the day, it’s just a dress.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:56

Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 12:44

Ok, as I’ve said before - if you think the way you’ve encouraged people to speak about your daughter is going to make you feel better, then that’s for you to process!

You’re right there’s no point explaining over and over - I understand all the points you’ve made, but I’m never going to agree with you that it’s loving or healthy behavior to egg on people calling your daughter names over a dress.

Show quote history

I have not “egged” anyone on, don’t be ridiculous🙄. I’m engaging in discussion. Feel free to leave the thread if you disagree so strongly. I find it odd that you’ve stuck around given you clearly feel so strongly that I’m a dreadful mother and human.

OP posts:
Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 12:44

dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:40

Sure. You can think what you like - you’re going to regardless, so pointless me engaging any further to explain the same things over and over. You don’t believe me; you don’t think I posted in good faith, you (for some bizarre reason) think I hate my daughter. None of those things are remotely close to the truth, but you’re fixated on your own views regardless so I guess, you just do you?

Have a nice day ☺️

Show quote history

Ok, as I’ve said before - if you think the way you’ve encouraged people to speak about your daughter is going to make you feel better, then that’s for you to process!

You’re right there’s no point explaining over and over - I understand all the points you’ve made, but I’m never going to agree with you that it’s loving or healthy behavior to egg on people calling your daughter names over a dress.

Pickledonions12 · 12/07/2026 12:41

dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:38

right, but my point was, it’s not me who makes that decision 🤦🏼‍♀️ So someone else has decided to remove those posts for their own reasons. Why would they do that if there was no issue with the post? Surely they’d leave it to stand?

Show quote history

Well.....maybe. Or maybe they find the thread itself strangely bewildering and your replies oddly defensive. And they don't want to be a part of it any more.

I'm loving it. But we are all different 😊

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:40

Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 12:34

I understand the concept perfectly, and it’s fine if that’s what you came here for - as I say, this post was very honest.

But you didn’t come here to hear dissenting viewpoints, and there was a bit of pretense earlier in the thread that you’d come for a discussion and would welcome people disagreeing with you, and that’s not the case.

Unfortunately it’s led you into a position where you’re challenging people suggesting trying to give your daughter a bit of grace, and responding to the people imagining the worst about her with thank yous and laughing emojis etc.

Obviously if you’ve found this thread useful then that’s good.

Show quote history

Sure. You can think what you like - you’re going to regardless, so pointless me engaging any further to explain the same things over and over. You don’t believe me; you don’t think I posted in good faith, you (for some bizarre reason) think I hate my daughter. None of those things are remotely close to the truth, but you’re fixated on your own views regardless so I guess, you just do you?

Have a nice day ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:38

Pickledonions12 · 12/07/2026 12:32

Oh yes they will and do. Posts can be deleted by MN for all sorts of reasons, not simply because of violations. Ime

Show quote history

right, but my point was, it’s not me who makes that decision 🤦🏼‍♀️ So someone else has decided to remove those posts for their own reasons. Why would they do that if there was no issue with the post? Surely they’d leave it to stand?

OP posts:
Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:36

Feduptryingusernames · 12/07/2026 12:32

YABU - if I counted every item/loan I've given my kids I'd could retire. Its a dress FFS, she's replaced it. You sound like an "every pound's a prisoner" type of mum.

sure - that’s why (as I explained earlier), I take a very small minimal amount of board from her each month (well under the amount many of her same aged peers are paying to their parents in fact), despite her earning good money for her age and having no bills other than her phone bill. And that’s also why she borrows my clothes frequently (as I also explained), and I don’t even think about it again until I want to wear it myself and ask her for it. Sure; I’m just that type of mum.

OP posts:
Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 12:34

dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:26

are you now pretending that emotional validation when we are struggling with our feelings, isn’t a thing? To have other people say “I’d have felt this way too in your shoes” is such a powerful and important process as humans for us to feel less alone with whatever we’re experiencing, from smaller to bigger life events. The fact that numerous people have validated my feelings and my viewpoint on this thread (as also reflected in the vast majority of voters), is of course validating. It’s Ok that some people wouldn’t feel the same, but it doesn’t change the fact that being validated is (to most of us actually), hugely helpful when I’m finding something difficult.

Im genuinely sorry that you lack the emotional intelligence to understand the concept of validation of feelings.

Show quote history

I understand the concept perfectly, and it’s fine if that’s what you came here for - as I say, this post was very honest.

But you didn’t come here to hear dissenting viewpoints, and there was a bit of pretense earlier in the thread that you’d come for a discussion and would welcome people disagreeing with you, and that’s not the case.

Unfortunately it’s led you into a position where you’re challenging people suggesting trying to give your daughter a bit of grace, and responding to the people imagining the worst about her with thank yous and laughing emojis etc.

Obviously if you’ve found this thread useful then that’s good.

Pickledonions12 · 12/07/2026 12:33

dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:33

I see. Unfortunately that wasn’t wholly clear from your input. But thanks for trying.

Show quote history

Again, you're welcome

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:33

Pickledonions12 · 12/07/2026 12:31

I'm going through a "be helpful" phase

You're welcome

Show quote history

I see. Unfortunately that wasn’t wholly clear from your input. But thanks for trying.

OP posts:
Pickledonions12 · 12/07/2026 12:32

dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:30

Also, you do realise that MN won’t delete a post that they don’t regard as violating their guidelines? So if anyone has had a post deleted on here, it will be because MN have judged it as not in keeping with the guidelines. Perhaps we all need to take responsibility for what we are posting if we don’t want comments removed.

Oh yes they will and do. Posts can be deleted by MN for all sorts of reasons, not simply because of violations. Ime

Feduptryingusernames · 12/07/2026 12:32

YABU - if I counted every item/loan I've given my kids I'd could retire. Its a dress FFS, she's replaced it. You sound like an "every pound's a prisoner" type of mum.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:32

BrightonBelle1992 · 12/07/2026 10:30

But why would she sell a dress she had borrowed? Surely if it’s been borrowed the expectation is that it will be returned

Show quote history

You would think, yes…

OP posts:
Pickledonions12 · 12/07/2026 12:31

dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:27

Thanks for your input. Since you view the need for the thread as so unnecessary, may I ask why you felt it important enough to comment on it? 🤔

Show quote history

I'm going through a "be helpful" phase

You're welcome

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:30

Also, you do realise that MN won’t delete a post that they don’t regard as violating their guidelines? So if anyone has had a post deleted on here, it will be because MN have judged it as not in keeping with the guidelines. Perhaps we all need to take responsibility for what we are posting if we don’t want comments removed.

OP posts:
Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:27

Pickledonions12 · 12/07/2026 12:26

Yes you're overreacting

If it was such a favourite dress you'd have asked for it back much sooner

You didn't

You asked for it back, eventually, and your daughter has organised for you to have the dress ready for your holiday

God knows why this needs a thread to discuss it, but we are where we are

You are overreacting

Thanks for your input. Since you view the need for the thread as so unnecessary, may I ask why you felt it important enough to comment on it? 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
dressdrama26 · 12/07/2026 12:26

Tinycatclub · 12/07/2026 12:21

I think the most honest post from the OP is the one where she says: It’s helped to validate that my feelings are normal. Even though nothing in my relationship towards my daughter will change as a result - it’s helped to know I’m not odd or unusual to feel upset. Which was essentially the purpose of the post, ie to make sense of and validate my feelings.

It was never about a discussion - it was about validating exactly what she thought and felt at the start. So I don’t think she was ever going to engage with you in good faith as you didn’t just agree with her. Sorry they’re reporting your posts.

Show quote history

are you now pretending that emotional validation when we are struggling with our feelings, isn’t a thing? To have other people say “I’d have felt this way too in your shoes” is such a powerful and important process as humans for us to feel less alone with whatever we’re experiencing, from smaller to bigger life events. The fact that numerous people have validated my feelings and my viewpoint on this thread (as also reflected in the vast majority of voters), is of course validating. It’s Ok that some people wouldn’t feel the same, but it doesn’t change the fact that being validated is (to most of us actually), hugely helpful when I’m finding something difficult.

Im genuinely sorry that you lack the emotional intelligence to understand the concept of validation of feelings.

OP posts:
Pickledonions12 · 12/07/2026 12:26

Yes you're overreacting

If it was such a favourite dress you'd have asked for it back much sooner

You didn't

You asked for it back, eventually, and your daughter has organised for you to have the dress ready for your holiday

God knows why this needs a thread to discuss it, but we are where we are

You are overreacting