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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset with DD for this?

408 replies

dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 16:17

Last year I lent my DD (19) a summer dress to go on holiday with her boyfriend. I’m going on holiday myself in a few weeks with DH and asked her for the dress back (assuming it was still in her wardrobe). She said “I’m not sure if I still have it, I think I sold it on Vinted”. I was perplexed, asked her why on earth she would do this? She said “well I just didn’t think you wanted it back”. In fairness, I hadn’t asked her for it back since last summer as I hadn’t needed it yet, but still, surely you don’t sell an item of clothing someone has lent you just because the person hasn’t asked for it back yet? Just seems crazy to assume the person doesn’t want it back and is happy for you to sell it? She’s normally a caring and lovely girl, so this has thrown me off a bit as it feels really disrespectful. She offered to replace it and has already ordered the replacement and paid for faster delivery so it arrives before my holiday, but I’m still just left a bit bewildered and disappointed. Am I overreacting to be upset here?

OP posts:
HotCrossBunplease · 10/07/2026 17:53

Tinycatclub · 10/07/2026 17:48

I’m genuinely not. I think you need to give your daughter the benefit of the doubt, accept it was a misunderstanding, and stop ruining your own day!

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There is no doubt and it was not a misunderstanding.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 17:52

@Twiningsteabagand where have you invented that I am “stropping silently” (or loudly for that matter)? I am not. I have posted word for word how the interaction went between us, and have said multiple times now that it has not been raised again since, and neither have I changed my demeanour towards DD at all. So I am in fact not remotely “stropping” - I am doing the precise opposite of that. I am doing and saying nothing and just moving on (as far as DD is aware at least), but have come to realise that it’s playing on my mind a little and so I came here to discuss it. I deeply regret that now, however, as I appear to have entered a bizarre parallel universe where we must prompt 20 year olds to “say sorry” for selling our items.

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 10/07/2026 17:52

Being perplexed and bewildered over this is a bit much.

HotCrossBunplease · 10/07/2026 17:51

itchyelbowsandswollenankles · 10/07/2026 17:49

But if you’re “lending” something for a year, it’s reasonable to assume you aren’t bothered.

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Not when it’s a summer dress and it is in a wardrobe in your own house.

itchyelbowsandswollenankles · 10/07/2026 17:49

TimeToStopLurking · 10/07/2026 17:46

I find it astounding that people here have put it on the OP that she never 'asked for it back'. If you borrow something in good faith, its on the borrower to return, unprompted. It wouldn't cross my mind to sell anything I'd borrowed

But if you’re “lending” something for a year, it’s reasonable to assume you aren’t bothered.

Weeellokthen · 10/07/2026 17:49

I would feel the same as you, who sells other peoples property. Weird.

category12 · 10/07/2026 17:49

Since you hadn't asked about it in a year, I don't blame her for forgetting or assuming you weren't bothered about getting it back.

If it's a favourite, I'd have asked for it back once she came home. Not left it for months, whatever the season.

She made a mistake. She fixed it.

itchyelbowsandswollenankles · 10/07/2026 17:49

YABU. She has put it right, and to be honest if you lend someone something then don’t ask for it back for a year, they’re obviously going to assume that you don’t want it back anymore.

Twiningsteabag · 10/07/2026 17:48

dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 17:43

@Twiningsteabag
No, I haven’t asked my almost 20 year old to “say sorry”. I’d do this with a 5 year old maybe. I’d assumed an adult wouldn’t require the same level of prompting to apologise when they’ve upset another person, especially a member of their family. But maybe I’m on a different planet here.

If she's normally a decent human being then I think stropping silently because she hasn't responded how you'd like is ridiculous.

It sounds to me like she really doesn't think it's the big deal you're making it into - and her lack of saying sorry simply reflects that, not any malice on her part. So you can carry on waiting for her to magically behave in a specific way - or you can tell her a lack of a sorry has made you feel disrespected/upset and allow her to respond.

Tinycatclub · 10/07/2026 17:48

dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 17:46

@Tinycatclub you HAVE to be on the wind up at this point 😂

I’m genuinely not. I think you need to give your daughter the benefit of the doubt, accept it was a misunderstanding, and stop ruining your own day!

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 17:47

TimeToStopLurking · 10/07/2026 17:46

I find it astounding that people here have put it on the OP that she never 'asked for it back'. If you borrow something in good faith, its on the borrower to return, unprompted. It wouldn't cross my mind to sell anything I'd borrowed

And that I should perhaps have asked her to say sorry. At age 20. Mind blown.

OP posts:
Maybeitllneverhappen · 10/07/2026 17:47

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. It was an awful thing to do! Don't care if she "fixed it" like everyone is saying. She should never have sold it.

Tinycatclub · 10/07/2026 17:47

Sinescure · 10/07/2026 17:44

You know her daughter can't hear them, right?

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I do, but I would challenge people saying mean things about my family whether they could hear them or not.

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 17:46

@Tinycatclub you HAVE to be on the wind up at this point 😂

OP posts:
Tinycatclub · 10/07/2026 17:46

dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 17:41

@Tinycatclub
well I wholeheartedly disagree with you; but thanks for your input

ok, well you disagree with me suggesting you try to give your child the benefit of doubt, but not the posters saying horrible things about your her, so maybe you’re right - you are a clear communicator after all!

RoseField1 · 10/07/2026 17:46

Sinescure · 10/07/2026 17:44

You know her daughter can't hear them, right?

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It might do her some good if she did!!

TimeToStopLurking · 10/07/2026 17:46

I find it astounding that people here have put it on the OP that she never 'asked for it back'. If you borrow something in good faith, its on the borrower to return, unprompted. It wouldn't cross my mind to sell anything I'd borrowed

Sinescure · 10/07/2026 17:44

Tinycatclub · 10/07/2026 17:33

I also think it’s very telling @dressdrama26 that you are making a great effort to defend your feelings and behavior, and not challenging the people who are being really unkind about your daughter - eg calling her an entitled madam.

You know her daughter can't hear them, right?

Sinescure · 10/07/2026 17:43

I'd be really annoyed with this OP. If she's usually considerate and responsible maybe she finds it hard to be caught so obviously in the wrong and is brazening it out a bit. I think you're right to drop it but I sympathise.

Tinycatclub · 10/07/2026 17:43

RoseField1 · 10/07/2026 17:33

Jeez the bar is low for teenagers in 2026. These are the adults of the future - lawmakers, healthcare professionals, teachers...why are we holding them to such low standards?

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Ok. I think your bar for adult parents is pretty low - I think they should be able to take part in discussions without thinking people who disagree with them are gaslighters; I would expect a parent to not just go along with strangers calling their children entitled little madams; and I’d expect them to try to manage their emotions.

diddl · 10/07/2026 17:43

RoseField1 · 10/07/2026 17:33

Jeez the bar is low for teenagers in 2026. These are the adults of the future - lawmakers, healthcare professionals, teachers...why are we holding them to such low standards?

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Ikr!

If she couldn't remember all she had to do was ask.

In fact if she was sure Op didn't want the dress she could still have asked.

They live in the same house it wouldn't have been that hard.

I think some people just don't care about other people's things once they have had the use that they wanted.

It would be on my mind to look after something as it needed returning until I had done that.

I can't be unusual in that?

Original poster
dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 17:43

@Twiningsteabag
No, I haven’t asked my almost 20 year old to “say sorry”. I’d do this with a 5 year old maybe. I’d assumed an adult wouldn’t require the same level of prompting to apologise when they’ve upset another person, especially a member of their family. But maybe I’m on a different planet here.

OP posts:
Original poster
dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 17:41

@Tinycatclub
well I wholeheartedly disagree with you; but thanks for your input

OP posts:
Twiningsteabag · 10/07/2026 17:40

RoseField1 · 10/07/2026 16:53

I think what's missing is any acknowledgement that she did wrong. Fine, she's replaced the dress, but it was a crappy thing to do, and I'd want to see genuine contrition and hear some kind of explanation if it were me. What if the dress was impossible to replace? If it was a few years old it might have been impossible to find.

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But it wasn't. I think creating what ifs to catastrophise is bit of a waste of energy.

Has OP asked her to say the words I'm sorry and she's flatly refused? If not I'd say they're just looking at this through different priority levels. Annoying? Maybe? Worth getting worked up about in this heat? Definitely not.

Tinycatclub · 10/07/2026 17:37

dressdrama26 · 10/07/2026 17:31

@Tinycatclub sorry - how exactly am I being “mean”?
she said “I don’t think I’ve got it anymore, I sold it” I replied “what do you mean you sold it? It was a loan, I wanted it back?” She said “I didn’t realise you wanted it back…” I said “yes of course I do; I told you at the time it was one of my favourite dresses?” Then she said “ok well I’ll find a new one then and order it for you in time for your holiday”. I said thanks, and the conversation ended.

This is the extent of the exchange that happened between us. Since then, it’s not been raised since, but I am left feeling upset and disappointed (which I have not expressed to her).

So, what’s “mean” here, exactly, on my part?

Edited

I think it’s mean to insist it wasn’t a misunderstanding because the alternative is to believe she did it on purpose (and you have no evidence of that). You’ve asked what people think - I’ve explained what I think and why and now you can either take it on board or not take it on board, agree with or disagree with…, that’s discussion!

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