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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel uneasy about my husband's comment during an argument?

159 replies

Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:00

I had quite an intense discussion with my husband - he’s on a spouse visa and we’ve been married for many years now - not gonna go into the ins and outs of everything but he said something that didn’t sit right with me - as our discussion got more heated (he was saying some irritating things about my family, particularly my mum who has always supported him as a son but also throughout his visa journey) and I told him to be more grateful - not in a condescending way but because he was truly being offensive and totally ignorant h
of how kind my family have been even though he’s mistreated them at times. Also, his family were no where to be seen when he needed them most. Then when he said soemthing that was really annoying I said to him that my family has always supported him and they didn’t have to - then he said even if they hadn’t he would have “found another woman” - don’t wanna overthink but is he implying that that's the basis for his stay? Like, he would have just found another woman and started a relationship for the purposes of staying in the UK? Or is is he possibly suggesting his main route would have been marriage as opposed to other visa routes? As mentioned, only he knows what he truly meant by that statement but yeah, doesn’t sit right with me.

OP posts:
CornishDaughteroftheDawn · 10/07/2026 10:46

Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:52

Yes, he feels like I should be on his side instead. I told him I’m not against him, but I don’t agree with how he treats/speaks about my family sometimes.

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I guess the difficulty is that him needing your sponsorship for a visa (I’m not 100% sure of the terminology?) creates a power imbalance in your relationship which may be an underlying problem for him (that he may not be able to acknowledge) given the patriarchal leanings in his home culture.

Currently you have the power as presumably if you split up he would lose his right to stay but once he doesn’t need you any more, things may change. It might be time to have a proper chat with him about his core values and why his close friends don’t seem to share them.

If he is expecting you to take his side when criticising your family, that is divisive and would result in driving a wedge between you and your family if you complied. As it is he is putting you in a difficult position of having to defend your parents (who have been nothing but kind) when he criticises them. It’s not ok that he does that.

I hope this is just something and nothing and will all blow over and you live happily ever after but I would make sure you protect your interests and those of your kids first. I’ve seen so many threads with global custody battles where relationships have broken down.

Fiendishandfiery · 10/07/2026 10:43

I assume it was made in spite or anger, but yes he means he doesn’t need to be grateful as he’d just have found another woman to get him into the uk.

chocoluv · 10/07/2026 10:38

Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 10:11

Yes, I agree. I can see how my comment can be taken the wrong way. I really can - but honestly, it’s very contextual. I was not saying that he owes me anything or trying to be on some higher
moral ground.

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Of course not but he’s likely also not saying that he’s just using you for a green card.

Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 10:17

JustJugglingCats · 10/07/2026 09:09

Sadly, I think you know exactly what he meant by that comment. You were his visa ticket. The thing is, now you know, what will you do? How does he treat you, and your family on the whole? It is possible of course that whilst he chose you for that reason initially, he may have fallen in love with you and he wants to be with you for all the right reasons now. Of course, it might not... Do you have children with him? Is he a good dad?

Yes I understand the possibility of things changing/falling in love. But as I mentioned, I’m not going to go into the ins and outs of everything - he is a good dad and works very hard - as I said, he doesn’t display any of the typical concerning signs. I might just assume that he made that comment in anger and move on. I dunno.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 10:11

chocoluv · 10/07/2026 10:07

I would bd very hurt by that comment and I understand why you’d have taken it that way.

But if I was him I’d also be very hurt by your comment and can easily take it the wrong way.

Saying he should be grateful - like you’re the one choosing him, you have the power over him and you have the power to change his life type thing.

I think you both made comments in the heat of the moment and they were both taken the wrong way as both things are things you are subconsciously thinking about.

I can almost guaranteed that if any poster on here was arguing with their DH and their DH was implying how grateful they should be because they wouldn’t be here without them type thing, their first reaction would be that they could easily find someone else instead.

If he’s given you no other red flags then I’d put a line under it and move on.

Yes, I agree. I can see how my comment can be taken the wrong way. I really can - but honestly, it’s very contextual. I was not saying that he owes me anything or trying to be on some higher
moral ground.

OP posts:
chocoluv · 10/07/2026 10:07

I would bd very hurt by that comment and I understand why you’d have taken it that way.

But if I was him I’d also be very hurt by your comment and can easily take it the wrong way.

Saying he should be grateful - like you’re the one choosing him, you have the power over him and you have the power to change his life type thing.

I think you both made comments in the heat of the moment and they were both taken the wrong way as both things are things you are subconsciously thinking about.

I can almost guaranteed that if any poster on here was arguing with their DH and their DH was implying how grateful they should be because they wouldn’t be here without them type thing, their first reaction would be that they could easily find someone else instead.

If he’s given you no other red flags then I’d put a line under it and move on.

Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 10:06

Colourfulfairylights · 10/07/2026 10:01

I dunno OP, completely coming it at from the other side to everyone else, the comment is definitely concerning, but only you know what was said prior to that.

If he's being told that he should be grateful you/your family helped him with his visa etc, and if that's something that's been said before, I can see why he may be on the defensive. Having to spend the rest of his life/marriage being grateful you got him into the UK would definitely alter the power balance in a relationship so I can see why he may make a stupid comment to shut it down that he didn't specifically need you/your family. Only you know the background and what he's generally like. But id definitely speak to him when things are calmer and ask him about his comment

I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’m not the sort of person that plays the whole “you’re only in the country because of me” I don’t do it. Basically, he had been making some comments about my mum and other personal stuff directly related to the amount of support they’ve given him over the years. It really sounded callous and unnecessary - so I defended my mum and said that it’s unfair considering how much she’s supported him. Despite some of the things he’s said to her in the past, she still gave him £3.5k to pay for renewing his visa. The rest of the family didn’t even know about it because they warned her not to give him any more money considering some of his rude behaviours. He also says that she doesn’t like him. I said to him, how can someone who doesn’t like you loan you £3.5k to help you with such a big thing?

OP posts:
LoveItaly · 10/07/2026 10:04

Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:27

Yes, I’m going to assume it was a stupid comment and perhaps he was upset too like me. He explained that he meant it as he would have still survived and ended up having a relationship and still being in the UK, not in the sense that he was on the hunt for any woman with a British passport.

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That comment sounds as though staying in the UK was his goal, unfortunately. It certainly wouldn’t make me feel any better about his original comment.

Colourfulfairylights · 10/07/2026 10:01

I dunno OP, completely coming it at from the other side to everyone else, the comment is definitely concerning, but only you know what was said prior to that.

If he's being told that he should be grateful you/your family helped him with his visa etc, and if that's something that's been said before, I can see why he may be on the defensive. Having to spend the rest of his life/marriage being grateful you got him into the UK would definitely alter the power balance in a relationship so I can see why he may make a stupid comment to shut it down that he didn't specifically need you/your family. Only you know the background and what he's generally like. But id definitely speak to him when things are calmer and ask him about his comment

Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 10:00

TheSmellOfSea · 10/07/2026 09:56

I couldn't get over that.

Someone I know married an African man. He played a very long game. He's nothing like she thought. Been horrendous. Thankfully she's divorced now. He's very manipulative and made out he was abused by her! He remarried in his own country whilst still with her.

wow, that’s pretty shocking 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:58

MammaTo · 10/07/2026 09:56

I definitely couldn’t let that comment lie. Can I ask how you both met? Was it online or in person? Did he heavily pursue you or love bomb you in any way?

We met in person, at uni. There was no lovebombing at all. He was very focused on his studies as an international student and didn’t even message me a lot. None of the typical love bombing stuff or suspicious behaviours.

OP posts:
MammaTo · 10/07/2026 09:56

I definitely couldn’t let that comment lie. Can I ask how you both met? Was it online or in person? Did he heavily pursue you or love bomb you in any way?

TheSmellOfSea · 10/07/2026 09:56

I couldn't get over that.

Someone I know married an African man. He played a very long game. He's nothing like she thought. Been horrendous. Thankfully she's divorced now. He's very manipulative and made out he was abused by her! He remarried in his own country whilst still with her.

Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:52

CornishDaughteroftheDawn · 10/07/2026 09:41

He felt that I was being disrespectful by defending my family

Thats a worrying attitude. Why would you defending your family that has treated him well be disrespectful to him? Unless it’s ‘his way or the highway’?

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Yes, he feels like I should be on his side instead. I told him I’m not against him, but I don’t agree with how he treats/speaks about my family sometimes.

OP posts:
ThatLilacTiger · 10/07/2026 09:51

Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:27

Yes, I’m going to assume it was a stupid comment and perhaps he was upset too like me. He explained that he meant it as he would have still survived and ended up having a relationship and still being in the UK, not in the sense that he was on the hunt for any woman with a British passport.

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I mean... that's not what he said.

Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:51

BeeCucumber · 10/07/2026 09:42

I would find it very difficult to forget that I appear to have been used to get British citizenship.

I told him that anyone would feel confused and upset by that comment, it raises many questions and can plant seeds of doubt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:50

Tablesandchairs23 · 10/07/2026 09:41

Id be taking this further.

In what way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well, it’s still very patriarchal. I remember a while ago he was making me breakfast and then his friend called and they were having a little catch up and when asked what he was doing, he said I’m making my wife breakfast and the friend said wow that's really strange, it should be the other way round sigh

OP posts:
BeeCucumber · 10/07/2026 09:42

I would find it very difficult to forget that I appear to have been used to get British citizenship.

CornishDaughteroftheDawn · 10/07/2026 09:41

Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:36

He felt that I was being disrespectful by defending my family - I think he also feels like I’m somehow acting like I’ve got the upper hand or something by telling him to be grateful. That’s the impression he was giving when explaining what he meant. I didn’t mean that at all - I was really hurt by how he makes comments about my family. I really don’t care about visas or citizenship or anything - it doesn’t make anyone better. I just want him to be more upfront about his true intentions and motivations.

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He felt that I was being disrespectful by defending my family

Thats a worrying attitude. Why would you defending your family that has treated him well be disrespectful to him? Unless it’s ‘his way or the highway’?

Tablesandchairs23 · 10/07/2026 09:41

Id be taking this further.

Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:36

Lavender14 · 10/07/2026 09:12

Op there's a few things here. That's an incredibly disrespectful comment about having found another woman and yes i think that would make me really question his motivation for being with you. That's very hurtful.

The other thing is that you mention he's mistreated your family where they've been accepting and supportive towards him?

I am usually of the opinion that your spouse becomes your immediate family and therefore you support them but not when they're in the wrong and not when they're treating others you care about badly. A) because that affects your relationships and b) the people you care about should be cared about by him if he cares about you. Why is he making disparaging comments about your mum and are they founded?

I think you need to think carefully about what the patterns are within this relationship and how well its serving you.

I would be expecting him to come back to you with an apology for what he's said.

He felt that I was being disrespectful by defending my family - I think he also feels like I’m somehow acting like I’ve got the upper hand or something by telling him to be grateful. That’s the impression he was giving when explaining what he meant. I didn’t mean that at all - I was really hurt by how he makes comments about my family. I really don’t care about visas or citizenship or anything - it doesn’t make anyone better. I just want him to be more upfront about his true intentions and motivations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:29

Maray1967 · 10/07/2026 09:14

Why is it only bothering you slightly? It is hugely alarming.

Yes I am very alarmed. I’m not happy about it as all. But at the same time I’m looking at all the other signs and he’s a great father and very supportive. He doesn’t display the typical signs of someone who’s got ill intentions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plumtotss · 10/07/2026 09:27

ThatLemonBear · 10/07/2026 09:06

Hopefully it was just a stupid comment in the heat of the moment, but yes, I would have interpreted that to mean any woman with UK citizenship would suit his purposes. If you’ve otherwise had a great relationship for years, I’d give him the chance to explain himself and apologise when things calm down

Yes, I’m going to assume it was a stupid comment and perhaps he was upset too like me. He explained that he meant it as he would have still survived and ended up having a relationship and still being in the UK, not in the sense that he was on the hunt for any woman with a British passport.

OP posts:
ilbehonest · 10/07/2026 09:17

Visa aside saying he would find another woman is disgusting. What a creature. I think I speak on behalf of all woman kind when I say, no thank you - we will pass.