AIBU to feel uneasy about my husband's comment during an argument?

As an adult clever enough to go to university to get a degree he should be capable of saving for his visa. If not why not? If he is bad with money what’s he done to fix that?

Was he able to save for his visa to get here as a student. (I think you mentioned you met at uni). Is he able to renew his driving licence and insure his car?

I totally get some people struggle to budget but there are plenty of places that will help if he is struggling with budgeting. And a visa is important surely? What would happen if your mum hadn’t helped?

Then why didn’t he go back to his own country and save from there.

Trust me if someone wants something bad enough then they’ll budget for it.

He could have given you some money every month to put into a savings account even.

Do you share children?
Are you not worried about the bills being paid or saving for holidays etc if he’s so reckless with money?

Edit: sorry just seen that you are already married.

Just one more point. Did your mum do it for you? To help her grandkids and her daughter?

I’d do anything for mine.

If so tell her you have screwed up and he's a wrong un. she might crack open the champagne and say that the 3.5k was the best money she’s ever spent if it made you (her daughter) realise she is married to a weasel.

I think he meant what he said, now he is feeling comfortable and that type of disrespect will grow against you and your family. It was always about him but now he is just being more vocal about it.

I know £3500 is a lot of money to find but assuming he works he could take on extra hours, sell belongings, take a second job, sell back holiday entitlement, but instead he crawled over to a woman and took her cash despite hating her - what a weasel.

Does he respect any women?

Just read your update. The fact he thinks it’s someone else’s job (your mum’s) to pay for 100% of his visa says a lot about him. He couldn’t even chip in £1000? Yuk!

And I certainly wouldn’t accept money from someone I disliked. Says a lot about his character, none of which is complimentary.

He is showing you who he is and it’s not very pleasant. Are any children you share at risk of him taking abroad if you seperate?

What are you confused about?

You said he has made no effort to save for his own visa, instead your mum had to give him thousands of pounds for it.

Why when you found out he’d spent his visa money instead of saving for it, did you think it was ok to ask your mum for it?

Did you not question whether he genuinely wanted to be with you if he couldn’t even be bothered to put money away for his own visa?

That alone would have made me end things.

Saving for his visa should have been his top priority and I judge both of you for taking it off your mum.

Hmmm. He didn't bother saving for his visa renewal? Is that because he knew you/your family would bail him out? I'm sorry I think he is using you for a visa. Or why didn't he save and pay for it himself? I'm not saying he has no feelings for you but the visa is the end game. I really hope I'm wrong!

He’s from a backward culture that treats women as less than. You already knew this. He uses your mother for money, you can see this. He speaks badly about your family. You hear this.

are you connecting the dots here? Or excluding yourself from the picture of his orientation toward women.

He just gave you the facts. Without you, there’d be another one.

When people tell you who they are, believe them.

I think you were both being nasty. You’re making out like your family made some huge sacrifice to accept him even though he’s foreign. He snapped back because you’re implying he’s some difficult inferior creature.

Did you post before? A few years ago? He didn’t do his visa renewal until the very last minute, I think that also involved him not having the money and not wanting to ask anyone? And something to do with a male work colleague with the same visa? Or something? He sounded like he simply couldn’t be bothered, and I think you (or whoever posted it) was putting in more effort than you should have considering it wasn’t your visa and your help wasn’t appreciated at all?

he didn’t make any effort to save for his visa renewal whatsoever.

I would care more about this than whether he’s using you for a visa.

You don’t seem to care that he’ll waste his money but take thousands off your mum?

Is that really someone you want to spend your life with?

What culture is he ?.

Sounds like hes told you hes used you and still using you.
Get rid of him let him use someone else.

I don’t think it was great thing to say and I kind of agree with the general consensus that he did mean it in a meal ticket type of way.

Having said that if DPs family were awful to me I would seriously consider walking away from him and finding someone else. So maybe there is a slim chance he was thinking the same and it just didn’t translate well

If he comes from a patriarchal culture, it is likely he resents the fact that he needs her help, and takes it but is trying to flex his muscles nevertheless. To be honest, this insecurity about your mother/family and his comment about finding another woman, sounds quite misogynistic. I would find all of that troubling.

Is there any chance he is judging her by his standards? If he hates your family it may be that he assumes they hate him too?

What are his core values? Because even if he’s not keen on your family, if they are loved by you and are good people he needs to be respectful as a minimum. If they helped him in a time of need that is huge.

What is his actual issue? Does he have an inferiority complex and is resentful? Or angry he has to ask for help? Just a couple of ideas as to why he may take issue. The fact he has had to ask your mum for the cost of the visa renewal may make him embarrassed? Did he save up anything towards it by taking overtime or a second job for example or cutting back on luxuries or treats or holiday etc? If he contributed half for example it’s very different to him expecting someone to stump up 100%

What sort of things does he say about your family?

Tbh life’s too short to be with a man who hates my family. There’s millions of blokes in the world and I am sure there is one that is more suitable than this one. You only get one mum and yours sounds like a good one. Blokes are everywhere.