AIBU to feel uneasy about my husband's comment during an argument?

You say the argument got heated. How hard did YOU attack HIM?

It’s not just her family it’s her friends too and calling them names which intimate that they indulge in sinful behaviour. If OP called his female friends the same name he’d be up in arms over it.

Your mum didn't give him 3.5k though, she loaned you guys money to pay for it? You are putting alot on him for not having saved but you're married, surely you knew and saw this coming? Is it not a joint thing?

The comment was harsh, agreed. But I do stand with the PP who came at it from the opposite angle. Ie, he's saying, he didn't need you he could have picked anyone if it was just for a visa - not that he doesn't love you.

Op you say he’s a good husband & Father & you guys are together a long time .
To be honest I can see how he could pick up from what you’re saying to him as , “ you should be grateful we took you on “ ,
I also can see how you might pick up from his comment , that you weren’t anything special he would have just found a different British woman to marry .
Him speaking badly of your family isn’t nice to hear , but how come he’s doing that in the first place , what’s the story there ? .

But your explanation sounds just like that he's not here because he loves you he wants the visa.....does he work does he do his fair share of domestic duties, does he pay his fair share

You’re his wife, you are best placed to judge his personality

Well only you know his nationality and the exact circumstances of how you met, how quickly he decided you were the one etc.... but let's be honest, it's not difficult to imagine that a person in need of a spousal visa will be rather more invested in quickly finding 'the one' than a person not in need of a spousal visa....

It's just a pragmatic approach. It doesn't mean he doesn't genuinely love you or that he's not happy. But it's hard not to come to the conclusion that he was on the hunt for a woman to love in the UK who could fulfill that transactional side of things for him as well as make him happy on a personal level.

But you surely must have asked yourself all this before now. If not then you should have.

How many years has he been on a spouse visa,

and how many years will he be required to be on a spouse visa ?

But does she really want to think about possible separation and divorce?

Also, as an aside, I’m surprised he hasn’t taken his immigration status further and got IDTR or British citizenship or dual nationality. All of which cost money. I’ve worked for an immigration solicitors (and since rules became stricter) and most people who were our clients and wanted to stay in the UK went through whatever process they had to do and spend time and money doing so. I’d be slightly worried that at some point in the future with a spousal visa, that he’d like to move back to his home country and then, if that’s the case, are you expected to move with him? Even the former Yugoslavian and Polish and Slovak friends I know have all renounced their citizenship of their birth country and gained British citizenship, whether they’re married or not. Even two sisters, one of them couldn’t get dual nationality (her DH is Dutch and they live in the Netherlands) so she had to renounce her Bosnian citizenship. I do know 2 Polish couples, one has children, the other doesn’t and they both have dual nationality including the children.

Maybe you need to have a look at that relationship @Plumtotss
Theres quite a lot in a few posts that disturb me. Not just his arrogance and believing people are there to help him esp women. But the demeaning words.

Its the ‘qualities that are damaging to any relationship, let alone marriage’
and
when he wants to start complaining about someone he uses extremely degrading and hostile language

In just a few paragraphs there 🚩🚩 after 🚩🚩.
I know people have mentioned him being there for the long game. But more to the point, I don’t think any of his values actually align with yours. I mean even other family members have encouraged your mum to take some distance and stop helping him right? They can see the nastiness and the rudeness.
Maybe you need to look closer at how he is, without the rose tinted glasses we all have at the start of a relationship

Oh sorry! I just assumed. Sorry for assuming you are white.

Crikey. That’s not great.

You hold the power here OP - you could very easily report him to the home office for visa fraud.....

So how long has he got to go till he gets ILR / British citizenship

honestly I like I said I have several friend men / woman who all did the marriage , spouse visa and as soon as they got British citizenship/ passport within a year or so they were gone

2 of them have remarried in England to women from there home country and have got them in the uk on I’m guessing a spouse visa

honestly some ( not all ) play the long long game

I’m wondering why you married him in the first place, because this doesn’t sound like it’s just about one comment.

The biggest red flag is him saying he “would have found another woman.” Even if he now says he meant something different, it’s a deeply hurtful thing to say and it’s understandable that it has left you questioning his motives.

What also stands out is the lack of respect he shows towards your family, despite everything they did to help him. Rather than acknowledging their support, he criticises them and then accuses you of being disrespectful when you defend them. That’s turning the issue back on you instead of taking responsibility for his own behaviour.

You’ve also described him having very rigid ideas about the roles of men and women. If one partner believes men and women have fixed roles and expects those views to dictate the relationship, that can lead to an unhealthy imbalance.

Calling women “harlots” is another major red flag. It suggests a lack of respect towards women and a tendency to judge or demean them in ways that most people would find unacceptable.

Taken together, this doesn’t read as an isolated argument. It sounds like there has been a pattern of disrespect, controlling attitudes and misogynistic views that you’ve perhaps overlooked until now. The comment about “finding another woman” may simply have been the moment that brought all of those concerns into sharp focus.

I’d be asking myself not just what he meant by that one sentence, but whether this pattern of behaviour is something I’d be willing to live with for the rest of my life.

Has he got his indefinite right to remain here in the uk without you or a British passport

I know a fair few people who partners left within a year or so once as they got British citizenship/ passport

all of them had kids and were happy to fuck off once they had British citizenship

that was their aim from the start
and quite happy to play the long game

I call my husband out at times, when he is out of order/rude about my Mum. She has always accepted him, been very supportive and is our main baby sitter!! He doesn't like it but it's tough!
There sounds like some cultural clashes, which doesn't help and I would be concerned about him cutting off his family. He sounds like he might be trying to alienate you from your family.
I think you need to consider your options, he doesn't sound like a vet nice or healthy man to be married to.

but he’s not that hard core in beliefs id he is happy to take money from a woman he seems to dislike

he’s a hypocrite and not even a smart one

Some people fire out nasty hurtful words sometimes understanding or not understanding how hurtful they actually are. He’s said this about your friends as he knows it would hurt you and you’d never tell them what he actually said. But he knows it’s insulting to them through you. He might believe the harlot description as it’s culturally ingrained but again why would he have married you, a white woman of a different culture had he not accepted you? And if you have a daughter, she can’t be a harlot as she’s half of both cultures.

Would he accept it if you made glib offensive generalisations about his culture and friends and family? No, of course not.

Has he experienced racism whilst he’s been living here? Directly? Maybe that’s one of the reasons why he feels your mum hates him. Doesn’t help that he’s NC with his family especially in UK and all that entails. He may feel adrift for want of a better word in your family and as he doesn’t have contact with his own family probably feels it worse as time goes on.

You could have a series of conversations about this. Really thrash it out and say how much it’s hurt you. Get him to put his cards on the table too. Maybe then things will improve. You can decide after that what you want to do and try to get over these hurtful sayings. But spell out that it is hurtful and especially to your friends who seemingly have done nothing wrong to him. It would be very different if your friends had been racist or unfriendly towards him.

If he’s a good husband, father and provider those are good qualities.

Finally, you might want to suggest he reaches out an olive branch to his family with your support. Things could be resolved there too which would ease his mind.