AIBU to worry DH is out of touch for future parenting?

You'll always be behind your kids no matter how up to date you think you are.

That's just life. And parenting.

Your kids might know. 😬

Sure if no teens have (unsupervised) Internet access then there is no problem. And I'm right there alongside you about changing the expectation for kids and teens to have smartphone access. However that's not the current world we live in and you sound extremely naive. Yes, you can not buy your own kid a phone, or buy them a brick instead, but you have zero control over their friends and peers. It's great that you didn't come across any of this crap until you were at uni. But the vast majority of teens do. Either on their own device, or because their mate shows them something cool/funny/weird/scary and they're halfway down a rabbit hole they didn't know existed. If you don't educate kids you leave them vulnerable. If you don't know what you need to educate them about, you're being negligent

I have no clue who/what Bonnie Blue is. My kids are fine.

Your DH sounds fairly normal, I was expecting something very different! I think you're worrying too much. You grow and learn with your children. Observing and talking to mine taught me a lot about social media that I wouldn't have known probably as a child free adult. And not every child gets drawn in everything. To one of mine social media was / is about following celebrities, music and gaming. To the other it's more about posting photos to be 'liked' and sending messages (yes, more risky). Both have turned online friends into real life friends, without any major problems.

He will educate himself alongside his children - and he will meet dads (and mums) of children the same age assuming he asked any part in parenting activities.

This.
You teach them good values & they will apply them to whatever comes along

Respect for people of either sex & whatever gender presentation.

Caution about how you conduct yourself in public (theres always someone watching/you never know might take a pic or video and where it might end up)

Enthusiastic consent and some general principles around sex (everyone has to 100% want to do it, everyone should be enjoying it, triple check with partner before you try anything new, anything that risks hurting someone is a bad idea).

You dont need to know whats on tiktok this week.

Knowing about the existence of the manosphere; Which new influencers are spreading misinformation or bigotry; the latest challenge on tiktok that has the potential to kill them; helping them stay safe on whatever new social media platform is popular, knowing that what you put online lives forever, knowing how not to get doxxed, knowing what to do if they see something inappropriate online, knowing that sex doesn't look like porn...

As a teen i basically only discovered this crap at uni and was old enough to be sensible about it all. If you keep kids off social media to begin with you can avoid a lot of it until they are largely adult. This is why so many of us are adamant about getting phones out of school, only give our kids completely locked down/brick phones etc.

This shit isnt universal. My 16 yo niece lives in a naice village & is completely oblivious to stuff like county lines, the manosphere, bonnie blue. She lives amongst friends who've never been allowed social media. Her life seems to revolve around dance & netball, the boys she sees seem to be nice lads.

My dad only ever listened to radio 2 in the car, as a result ive got a healthy knowledge on 60s & 70s music.

Chill out a bit!

Reading the headlines of the Daily Mail is a terrible way to keep up with what's what! It's mostly nonsense. Try something factual instead.

basically its like reading the headlines of the daily mail each day as an example so when your dh is parenting he has an idea of whats what etc, rather than a head in a book while ai is running airports as an example etc

I agree with this.

It’s great that you’re prepared but you also need to take and enjoy each stage as it comes

Very well said!! Fully agree

@DealForTheKids cool your beans!

I don't really understand why people are disagreeing with you OP. Maybe they're skim reading and misunderstanding your point because you used the word "trends". Obviously parents keep up with trends in a vague way as your kids grow, because it's what they talk about all the time, Minecraft, K-pop, whatever. And it's not something to worry about in advance.

But I think you're talking about issues that will affect your children's health and happiness. Knowing about the existence of the manosphere; Which new influencers are spreading misinformation or bigotry; the latest challenge on tiktok that has the potential to kill them; helping them stay safe on whatever new social media platform is popular, knowing that what you put online lives forever, knowing how not to get doxxed, knowing what to do if they see something inappropriate online, knowing that sex doesn't look like porn...

And you absolutely can have these conversations round the dinner table, and should be in ages appropriate ways. If you don't stay up to date, then the kids walk in to situations blind. They make decisions based on their interpretation of whatever values they've gained from you, balanced against the fun/excitement of the the thing you want to protect them from. But they're lacking a clear message from you on that topic.

We tell our kids specifically how to cross roads so that they are as safe as possible. So we also need to tell them how to stay safe in other aspects of their lives, but if you don't keep up with all the new nonsense why would it occur to you to say something like "hey, I hear that some people online are saying it's a fun thing to microwave your squishy, but absolutely don't do that because you could get very badly burnt"

Teens will always find their parents a bit cringy. Older teens with good values are great to have in your DCs life if possible. I.e. At DCs karate club the older teens coach the younger teens in comps, and organise, support etc the comps etc - and its a good mix of sexes as only the actual match-up are sex separated. And the younger teens help out with the kids etc. Same with volunteer surf life saving, the juniors (13-15) patrol with the fully qualified (16+), and also support the little ones themselves. I'll find 14 yr old DC come back from a patrol imparting some life wisdom to me he's got from the 17 yr old, and bite my tongue from reminding him how often dad or I have told him the exact same thing.

I think parents who don't educate themselves on things like county lines, influencers like Andrew Tate are not doing their children any favours, and it shouldn't just be the mums doing this.

You really don't think it helps even a bit to have some idea what you're teaching critical thinking ABOUT?

Fact is, whatever you teach, some teens decide you're just a silly oldie talking crap and do the opposite. The point comes where they want their peers' approval more than their parents'.

That's before we even get onto the kids who have phones when their parents think they don't (my nephew knows three). They get their friends' cast-offs.

Being an authoritarian parent who just says "don't do Bad Things, because I said so, even when I can't specify what the Bad Things are" will just produce a kid who will not tell you when they've made a mistake and they're in trouble.

I think though the main tenets of being a teenager are still fundamentally the same the issues that effect them are still at the heart the same issues that we had - friendship issues etc it’s just the media has changed dramatically

the tools they need to navigate it are still the same as they always were

and they will be there for the fun parts as well DD drags me and DH to concerts (less now she is 17 and goes with friends) DS we do sporting stuff with

The thing is, he won't just be launched into it when the kids hit 13. He's going to get immersed in it by his kids as they grow up.

I'm fairly "down with the kids" ( can feel DDs eye rolls from the other room for saying that.). I'm a fairly young parent,spend a lot of time on Reddit, like new music, I game, I work with a bunch of young people). And yet still, what I think of "youth culture" is very rarely what actually affects DD.

The best way to find out what your teenagers are immersed in, is to talk to your teenagers about it. And the best way to get them to talk about this stuff is to be utterly oblivious about it. Teenagers have this innate need to feel like the smartest person in the room, especially when it comes to their parents, so being utterly oblivious about something can actually be a great way to get them to open up on a subject.

So many times when DD will make a passing reference to someone, and I'll say "Who's that then?" even if I already know. And I'll get her take on a person or subject, which I wouldn't have gotten on. And if I feel it needs pushing back on, I'll start another conversation a couple of days later about it, having "done a bit of reading"

I’d say don’t worry too much for now. It’s likely he will become more aware of trends, issues etc as they get to that point. Just like I assume he’s aware of the issues that affect the DC currently. It’s all a process I think. I wouldn’t worry before it has happened.

the biggest thing imo is to foster that connection between you and DC, don’t shame for mistakes or lecture too much and then they’ll have parents they feel they can chat to about issues. I know it’s not always that easy and sometimes the connection does break down in teens of course but it’s what I’ve done with DS so far. he’s 14 and we do chat about feminism, manosphere, friends who are vapibg and drinking, girlfriends and other friendship issues. He told me when his dad bought him a beer when out (🙄 at his dad but I appreciated that ds told me!). That might change of course but 🤞.

I also have DD who is 5 and I’m hoping by the time she reaches teen years, fewer of her peers will have access to social media etc with the stricter rules. It was tricky to limit DS’s access very effectively due to pandemic, mates all having it, separate homes (his dad wasn’t too fussed). I’ll definitely do things differently with dd no matter what and hope the tide is turning with others too.

also totally agree with everything @Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers said - volunteering at their hobbies and hobbies like scouts, girl guiding etc can be so helpful. Scouts has given so much to DS and given him a different friend group to his school friends. Broadening the friend group can be really beneficial. And just being welcoming to friends too.

Is being a good parent being able to get a good score on a pop culture quizz?

Who decides which topics are essential?

I am hopeless at keeping up with current trends but I am a good parent.

I think this is hugely important. Offer to give lifts, make it clear they are welcome to have their friends over wherever they like and it's not an inconvenience. My parents did this, my mum was the "call me any time of night, wherever you are I'll come get you" mum (my dad would also come but you'd get a bollocking with your free ride, my mum left the bollocking until the next morning). As a result me, my brother and our friends were always around our house and my parents knew what we were up to and what was going on.

I’d also say being a welcoming parent to their friends eg giving lifts, having friends over and volunteering at their hobbies is a great way to stay in the loop.
I volunteer as a guide leader. Girls age 10-13. Most have parents that restrict social media, encourage and facilitate a wide range of hobbies.
I love chatting to them. They were singing 80s and 90s music while we were at an outdoor activity this week and the bands they liked were all ones I knew.

I’m very aware that sports teams can be a poor influence ( like anything really). I’m also a school governor - both primary and secondary and have worked in education for 20 years.
That’s why we’ve chosen carefully, are actively involved and challenge/discuss anything we see or hear that doesn’t sit well with us.
DH and DS have a season ticket for a premier league team but we’ve also been taking him to watch the women’s team for years and he happily wears football shirts with his favourite women’s players names on. It’s the little things that we’re hoping will make difference in how he sees the world and the role of men and women.

We can’t completely shield our son from misogyny or inappropriate behaviour but we can teach him that it’s wrong and to challenge it.

Being a part of a sports team has taught him discipline, resilience, and respect.

Surely we all have different skills we bring to the table in terms of parenting? My husband is way better at some aspects of parenting than I am, and I’m way better at others. I get a ‘free pass’ in terms of helping them with homework, for example, because my DH has far more patience than I do.
Anyway, I didn’t actually say he gets a ‘free pass’. I just said that him not being aware of these things doesn’t mean the OP can’t teach her children about them, which is what she appeared to be saying.