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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to make my mum go home after 3 weeks?

65 replies

Borntorunfast · 09/07/2026 19:14

My mum is 80, had an accident in the spring, went blind in one eye, recovered some sight (miracle!), and recently had an operation where they repaired the remaining damage. Phew.

While she's recovering she's staying with me, as she's lost sight in that eye again (it will come back gradually). I have said it's for 3 weeks, as she needs 10 eye drops a day (!) for the first 2 and then she has a follow-up the week after. By which point she'll have regained some sight and be down to 1 eye drop a day.

I am at the end of my tether, 10 days in. She's incredibly needy. She keeps crying if her drops are 2 minutes late, or if I go out, or if we do something that she's not invited to. We've had to postpone trips and celebrations.

She often makes out she's worse than she is, so I have no idea whether she's OK or not.

Example: I got her referred to a specialist hospital for a second opinion. All good. BUT at the appointment - to which she arrived after a torturous walk that she wobbled and huffed and puffed all the way to, clinging on to me and hospital crutches - they assessed her and said - your sight is actually pretty good, you can drive, and we've no idea why you're using sticks to walk. She then ditched the sticks, started driving, more or less within hours (!). I don't think it was intentional, I think she was shaken by the accident, but ....

Anyway, she's started dropping hints about not being able to cope if she goes home after 3 weeks. Tbf her sight won't be fully back, she won't be able to drive for another few weeks, she lives alone, she's 80....

But I just feel SO resentful, and manipulated, and knackered. I want my home back. I already had her stay for 5 weeks after the accident, where her care needs were extreme. I have to look after her dog as well as my own (permanently, apparently), I work FT, have 2 kids with disabilities, commute, am battling perimenopause, yadda yadda yadda. She never looked after me when I was a kid AND no one else in my sodding family will step up even one tiny bit. Made worse by the fact that she won't ask them herself!!!

AIBU in taking her home after the follow-up, if all is well??? She has this wonderful knack of making me feel entirely responsible for her. She has another child she could ask, after all...

OP posts:
ScrambledEggs12 · 09/07/2026 21:30

Borntorunfast · 09/07/2026 20:18

Thanks everyone for responses. Some good advice and I will start putting some clear boundaries in place.

I do love her, I know it sounds like I'm such a bitch, but I'm not. I do so much for her, and it's generally from a place of love. It's just that she will take and take and take, and my childhood and the lack of support from the rest of the family makes me really angry and resentful.

Partly this is my own fault: I'm a people pleaser and a problem solver, will always take the lead in getting s**t done, and so some of this is of my own making. Because yeah, she's my mum and I do want to do my bit.

She doesn't need long-term care btw. Once her sight is back she'll be fully fine - she's in remarkably good nick for someone her age.

You don't sound like a bitch in the slightest x

Yetone · 09/07/2026 21:27

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2026 21:25

Thats a rather unfortunate typo!

Show quote history

Thank you. Too late to edit it!

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2026 21:25

Yetone · 09/07/2026 21:04

Op, your mum really dies have to go now otherwise you will become her permanent carer.

Thats a rather unfortunate typo!

Yetone · 09/07/2026 21:04

Op, your mum really dies have to go now otherwise you will become her permanent carer.

Thecomedyclub · 09/07/2026 21:03

dadtoateen · 09/07/2026 19:32

Your mum? The one that spent many many years raising you and looking after you?

nah, kick her out

Can you read the OP before posting nonsense? Here’s the quote in case YCBA:

“She never looked after me when I was a kid”

Original poster
Borntorunfast · 09/07/2026 21:00

Namechangee11 · 09/07/2026 20:25

I appreciate the whole 'making plans so my kids don't have to look after me...,' but it just isn't that simple... I dropped everything when my Mum got ill and took care of her for a couple of years until she died .. my mother wasn't mother of the year and was only 54 when she died. I recently had a serious accident and when I was discharged from hospital, there was my eldest daughter who dropped everything and moved in with me to help as I couldn't weight bear... I now have a step mum who has had to have some operations done on her eyes and when she did I went down and took care of her as eye stuff is extremely disorienting, she's having the same operation done on the other eye in September and I will do the same then... I am not a paragon of virtue, nor is my child, we are just regular people helping one another out. Exorcising the past is best done with therapy. I too had a similar experience to you so I do understand but I have no resentment at all. I just think we aren't here for long and we should do our best even if the best wasn't done for us.

But I have stepped up. I have dropped everything. For 5 weeks when she had her accident (well, a lot longer but she was living with me for that period, I did all her care including personal care, endless hospital appointments, second opinions, cooking, shopping, hours and hours driving her places, private physio, you name it, I did it). And now for 3 weeks post-op.

But that's not the same as making someone responsible for your entire life and happiness. Or baby-birding it and acting like you can't do anything for yourself anymore. That's what I won't do to my kids.

Also: I won't make really stupid decisions, like living miles away from your DD, with no local shops and no local transport, despite your DD saying - that's a terrible place to retire, what happens when you can't drive anymore? Or pissing all your money away on spurious get-rich-quick schemes so your DD has to pay your mortgage off. Or buying a huge, untrainable dog in your 70s, when your last one pulled you over and broke your hip and - oh look - you now don't want to look after because she's "too strong". That's the bit about making plans.

There is SO MUCH we can and should do - to plan for a life when we can't drive, when we will need a network of good, local amenities and healthcare, and friends, and money to pay for carers if we need them, and a house without stairs, or a garden that's not so big you can't manage it, because that's the reality we will all face if we're lucky enough to get to our 70s and beyond.

Not living in the arse end of nowhere expecting your DD to bail you out, over and over again.

OP posts:
Fluboben · 09/07/2026 20:57

This is going to be my situation before long, and it worries me sick.

Some posters are saying things like "it's time for her to start paying for care", but what happens if there isn't money for that? And what if there isn't another sibling to help out? I worry about this a lot and totally understand OP's predicament.

Itsthewoluff · 09/07/2026 20:27

It’s ok to spin it that she’s getting too dependent on you and will lose her independence if she doesn’t force herself to go home. Which is true.
Gets you off the hook!

Oncemorewithsome · 09/07/2026 20:26

This bit struck me “she never looked after me when I was a kid”… that sounds very hard. I can imagine caring for someone who didn’t care for you is reopening all wounds include some totally understandable anger.

Namechangee11 · 09/07/2026 20:25

I appreciate the whole 'making plans so my kids don't have to look after me...,' but it just isn't that simple... I dropped everything when my Mum got ill and took care of her for a couple of years until she died .. my mother wasn't mother of the year and was only 54 when she died. I recently had a serious accident and when I was discharged from hospital, there was my eldest daughter who dropped everything and moved in with me to help as I couldn't weight bear... I now have a step mum who has had to have some operations done on her eyes and when she did I went down and took care of her as eye stuff is extremely disorienting, she's having the same operation done on the other eye in September and I will do the same then... I am not a paragon of virtue, nor is my child, we are just regular people helping one another out. Exorcising the past is best done with therapy. I too had a similar experience to you so I do understand but I have no resentment at all. I just think we aren't here for long and we should do our best even if the best wasn't done for us.

Original poster
Borntorunfast · 09/07/2026 20:23

ConfusedSoShutUp · 09/07/2026 20:20

Bet you are a people pleaser as a childhood response to your mother....hypervigilance to stop her kicking off in some way?

You are 100% right, yes. More to do with my (narcisstic) dad but mum is also massively passive aggressive, which is horribly damaging to a child. I walked on eggshells a lot. Hence the 'hints' she's dropping now and possibly the manipulation: she doesn't know how to ask for what she wants.

OP posts:
ConfusedSoShutUp · 09/07/2026 20:20

Bet you are a people pleaser as a childhood response to your mother....hypervigilance to stop her kicking off in some way?

Larrythecatforpm · 09/07/2026 20:18

Just tell her you can’t, it’s to much. If she feels she can’t live alone anymore then you will start looking at care homes with her.

She’ll make a miraculous recovery within 24 hours.

Original poster
Borntorunfast · 09/07/2026 20:18

Thanks everyone for responses. Some good advice and I will start putting some clear boundaries in place.

I do love her, I know it sounds like I'm such a bitch, but I'm not. I do so much for her, and it's generally from a place of love. It's just that she will take and take and take, and my childhood and the lack of support from the rest of the family makes me really angry and resentful.

Partly this is my own fault: I'm a people pleaser and a problem solver, will always take the lead in getting s**t done, and so some of this is of my own making. Because yeah, she's my mum and I do want to do my bit.

She doesn't need long-term care btw. Once her sight is back she'll be fully fine - she's in remarkably good nick for someone her age.

OP posts:
ConfusedSoShutUp · 09/07/2026 20:17

dadtoateen · 09/07/2026 19:32

Your mum? The one that spent many many years raising you and looking after you?

nah, kick her out

You know not all mothers were created equal right? My mum can go funcking whistle if she expects me to look after her.....or maybe she could hit the hell out of someone to see if that still works....

carryingoncalmingon · 09/07/2026 20:14

dadtoateen · 09/07/2026 19:32

Your mum? The one that spent many many years raising you and looking after you?

nah, kick her out

She never looked after me when I was a kid

You clearly did not read OP’s thread properly

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2026 20:12

tell her you are worried she wont cope, but that unfortunately she can't stay with you, so you have arranged to go an view some care homes.

She will be gone by Saturday lunchtime.

Hedgehogsrightsarehumanrights · 09/07/2026 20:12

@Borntorunfast I really know where you are coming from, you have showed love and care for your mum despite her failings you have experienced from her.

My sense is she is lonely and enjoying being looked after. But this is neither fair nor sustainable for either of you.

Just a thought maybe have a return home date, and either visit her more often then slowly withdraw, ask other sibling to get involved, or have her stay with you after return to her home and reduce that too.

You really must not succumb to childish crying behaviour, and if she does it change the subject.

Another option is to directly ask her if she wants to live with you and tell her why this is not possible.

Original poster
Borntorunfast · 09/07/2026 20:11

dadtoateen · 09/07/2026 19:32

Your mum? The one that spent many many years raising you and looking after you?

nah, kick her out

Tbf, she didn't spend many years raising me and looking after me. I parented myself from about the age of 12. Having my own kids has made me realise how shit that was. I mean, I learned to be independent, sure, but I also had some awful experiences and no one to turn to. She also asked a lot of me then, too.

I'm not heartless btw. I do SO much for her, not just now but all the time. So yeah you can be super snarky if you like and I appreciate your view, but your argument doesn't quite work in this scenario.

ALSO: I don't expect my kids to look after me and am making plans so they won't have to. Because I'm a grown up and I know how this ends. And I HAVE worked hard to raise and care for them.

OP posts:
user67392097643 · 09/07/2026 20:08

This is your opportunity to get cleaner/gardener/home help/carers whatever is need in place so they are there for the future/next crisis! Send her home with help in place.

Lottapianos · 09/07/2026 20:06

'She never looked after me when I was a kid AND no one else in my sodding family will step up even one tiny bit'

I could tell from your OP that there was a huge backstory, and that your feelings went way deeper than just this recent situation. I can relate, and I feel your pain. She was not a good mother to you as a child, and is now trying to manipulate you and guilt trip you into being at her beck and call. I'm not remotely surprised that you're feeling overwhelmed and resentful!

I agree with others that you are a person in your own right, and you are entitled to your own home, in peace and quiet and sanity. You have done a lot for your mother already, it's definitely time to put down some big red lines. She won't like it one bit, but it's still ok for you to do this. It won't be easy, but you can do it

LaliqueSaltGrinder · 09/07/2026 20:05

MendingWall · 09/07/2026 19:55

Responses like this are so telling that the poster cannot think outside of their own frame of reference and specific set life experiences for even a fraction of a second.

Maybe your mum did that, maybe OPs mum didn’t. And even if she did, she’s not owed anything for fulfilling her legal responsibility to care for her own child so your point is reductive nonsense.

Show quote history

Spot on. See also the people who pop onto a thread with someone whose parent is in the advanced stages of dementia or similar and says "oh I love my mum, I could NEVER put her in a home!"

People just don't have a clue.

Starburst360 · 09/07/2026 20:04

I feel like her dropping hints about not coping is the perfect way to Segway into a discussion on securing additional support for her and what she thinks she will need to be able to cope as you’ve got to get to your other responsibilities and claw back your sanity!

MendingWall · 09/07/2026 19:55

dadtoateen · 09/07/2026 19:32

Your mum? The one that spent many many years raising you and looking after you?

nah, kick her out

Responses like this are so telling that the poster cannot think outside of their own frame of reference and specific set life experiences for even a fraction of a second.

Maybe your mum did that, maybe OPs mum didn’t. And even if she did, she’s not owed anything for fulfilling her legal responsibility to care for her own child so your point is reductive nonsense.

ThisOliveKoala · 09/07/2026 19:37

Borntorunfast · 09/07/2026 19:14

My mum is 80, had an accident in the spring, went blind in one eye, recovered some sight (miracle!), and recently had an operation where they repaired the remaining damage. Phew.

While she's recovering she's staying with me, as she's lost sight in that eye again (it will come back gradually). I have said it's for 3 weeks, as she needs 10 eye drops a day (!) for the first 2 and then she has a follow-up the week after. By which point she'll have regained some sight and be down to 1 eye drop a day.

I am at the end of my tether, 10 days in. She's incredibly needy. She keeps crying if her drops are 2 minutes late, or if I go out, or if we do something that she's not invited to. We've had to postpone trips and celebrations.

She often makes out she's worse than she is, so I have no idea whether she's OK or not.

Example: I got her referred to a specialist hospital for a second opinion. All good. BUT at the appointment - to which she arrived after a torturous walk that she wobbled and huffed and puffed all the way to, clinging on to me and hospital crutches - they assessed her and said - your sight is actually pretty good, you can drive, and we've no idea why you're using sticks to walk. She then ditched the sticks, started driving, more or less within hours (!). I don't think it was intentional, I think she was shaken by the accident, but ....

Anyway, she's started dropping hints about not being able to cope if she goes home after 3 weeks. Tbf her sight won't be fully back, she won't be able to drive for another few weeks, she lives alone, she's 80....

But I just feel SO resentful, and manipulated, and knackered. I want my home back. I already had her stay for 5 weeks after the accident, where her care needs were extreme. I have to look after her dog as well as my own (permanently, apparently), I work FT, have 2 kids with disabilities, commute, am battling perimenopause, yadda yadda yadda. She never looked after me when I was a kid AND no one else in my sodding family will step up even one tiny bit. Made worse by the fact that she won't ask them herself!!!

AIBU in taking her home after the follow-up, if all is well??? She has this wonderful knack of making me feel entirely responsible for her. She has another child she could ask, after all...

When you say she never looked after you, do you mind me asking more? Do you mean she never raised you and you were raised by others? Adopted? Foster care?