AIBU to make my mum go home after 3 weeks?

If she doesn’t have the money to pay for care, adult social care should assess her care needs then make a financial assessment of OP’s mother’s ability to pay. If she cannot fully fund her assessed needs it will be funded by the local authority. Adults are responsible for their own care, family members cannot be forced to fund them. Though the problem is generally care funded by the local authority will be the bare minimum which is when family can feel pressured to help fund extra care even when they can’t afford it.

If she reckons she can’t cope, get her to look at care homes.

Don’t keep the dog, it needs re-homing (unless you really love it)

Send her home, find a handy cleaner come carer, my mum has a great one, came recommended by family.

@Borntorunfast if l was you l would ask this to be moved to the elderly parents section. So you can get some sensible answers rather than a load of emotional manipulation and guilt

A care home??!!!!!

She still drives and cognitively intact, capable of being independent but manipulating her daughter to look after her when its not necessary, why would she need a carehome?! I have a 98 year old neighbour still living in her own house. Plenty of people put their own eye drops in after operations. Only very rich people could choose to go in a carehome at this stage.

⬆️ this has been made very clear by the OP

It literally says in the OP that her mum didn’t look after her.

But your mum looked after you and cared for you, you really should be there for her now. She is elderly and needs you. Just put down some ground rules that she must stick by.

Can you imagine a world where a child is scared of their mother? In thie childhood. When they did not ask to be there? When they have no agency? No alternative. Whilst despite being scared of their mother, they've till lovecthem? Crave their love and attention? When the mother does not look after the child?

Maybe stretch your imagination a little and put yourself in a less self-righteous place?

I wouldnt do the talking to her 'gently' thing. Time to be brisk.

'You are going home in 3, 2, 1 week(s) mum. Do you think you will need a cleaner/gardener/personal chef? Yes? Do you know any one local?'

You are going to need to harden your heart to any tears, by the sounds of it they are manipulation. Take advantage of her just dropping hints, ignore them. If she wants something she is going to have to ask properly.

I’d start being firmer at home - go out as much as you want, stop postponing trips, don’t tolerate any crying about drops etc.

Get rid asap, for your own sanity.

We have a similar scenario in my family.
Ironically, the only sibling who does caring duties for her is the one who has memory issues (from epilepsy) and can't remember what an uncaring, dreadful mother she was.

This, with bells on.

I would say it is time to look for a care home.

Even though she is swinging the lead over a lot of stuff, that is a symptom in it's own right.

At 80, heloing her find the right place would be my next consideration.

My DH is a bit older than me and lately has been adopting the metaphorical 'dressing gown of doom'. I keep running, thinking he has hurt himself because he keeps vocalising and I think he is worse than he is. I am beginning to ignore it all now as I am so tired of it. I've told him this 'crying wolf' might endanger him long term as I am blunted to it but he still does it.

Even someone who did have both parents living with us for some time, which mostly worked ok, I would say definitely only do what you can and not everyone has wonderful parents! And even if you do, being there 24/7 is not always the best thing. It sounds like your mum is mostly scared and lonely and some gentle encouragement, firm boundaries about when she is going home and some carer arrangements would be the best thing. Try and get LPAs sorted out too if you haven't already.

Segue..a Segway is one of these.

Crying as her drops are 2 minute late?! She can do her own drops 🙄. All of her behaviour sounds really annoying, she needs to go home. I would be careful she doesn’t use this to live with you long term

No your not by all accounts you have done more than enough!

When she drops hints about needing help from you turn it into a discussion about what help she might need and where she can access it. Get her expectations out in the open and set your boundaries.

It's easy to say that when you have a good and healthy relationship with your mother, but if you have never had that its a different matter. There is no "debt" owed here, although I must say that I dont agree that "I cared for you now you must care for me" is a reasonable social contract.

Would you say that @Borntorunfast should house and care for an abusive ex partner because they are scared and lonely as a result of their own actions? Her mother was a mother in name only, not in actions. And as if often said on MN, judge people by their actions not their words.

This
I can't imagine a world where I would send a scared, lonely 80yr old lady never mind my mother off on her own, whilst recovering from an accident in case she gets too dependant.

You shouldn’t have had her to stay. She has regressed and become more dependent. You are unable to say no to her and tell her not to be ridiculous when she tries to stop you living your life. Time to take her home. Carers exist

You can’t pour from an empty cup - so it is completely reasonable to set a boundary and stick to it. If your Mum wants more help , then it is your siblings turn to pitch in.
You’ve done a lot already and it is impacting your children if you have had to drop things, and so it is not sustainable.

@Borntorunfast when her stay is up, gently say ‘let’s get you home to see how you cope!’ Ignore hints of staying until then. Drop her home. Once she’s settled, leave. She’ll soon get used to it and probably start to feel pleased to back at home.

As they say ‘there’s no place like home!’

Don’t sweat it.

Edit: if she says she isn’t coping, start discussing home help / carers coming in to see her. Apply for Attendance Allowance to help cover the costs.

Do you have a partner? They should help out, it's their kids, household, and MIL (ok, maybe not if they're a new partner, but still, they should help a bit!)
Your siblings should also do their bit.
It's a scary situation though-what is a person who is old, frail and struggling supposed to do with no one to help-really the government should provide district nurses or carers, or even better have convalescent care (they used to apparently) which would save money long-term. Because women work nowadays, it's not possible for daughters (and it would have been daughters) to easily provide the care they did when these things stopped being available. The situation is not fair on people like you, or people like your mum!

Ha ha. Yeah I was going to say i dont think you can ever have looked after a needy person for a week. Just two days of constant attendance is enough to drive anyone round the bend, plus the op has already said she works full time, has two children with disabilities and perimenopause. Youve clearly no idea that in perimenopause, oestrogen declines and we cease to tolerate......the hormone that allowed us to push everything down before is gone and a lot of the time we feel rage that everyone needs something from us and we have NOTHING left to give !!!.
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Look OP, she can drive, can walk. I wonder is the crying part of a histrionic / waif poor little old me thing she has done all her life or is it new?. If its new, might she need to get a gp check up?

I would be straight with her and say youre finding life a struggle and dont have the capacity to care for her , but you can help her find a care agency or help find a care home where she would have 24/7 support, if she feels she needs that. You get to decide what help you can give her. She doesnt. This is a good time for her to future plan ( power of attorney etc), see if she might meet criteria for attendance allowance ( but if she can drive, i dont see how). You need to have a physical or mental disability, require help with personal care or supervision for her own safety. Sometimes people who are your mums age lose confidence and feel powerless and scared, but the way to combat that is by making them exercise their own agency, if they are capable (sounds like she is), not by waiting on them.