To think this is the most awful thing to say to a parent

This.
While i know someone happyily living in there dementia state socially and physically involved in the daily care unit they live in.
Are they aware of where they are at while it progresses...it was funny how they talked about the residential home in the early days as "stuck in here", a person who never complained ever.
Now its a way of life.

I guess they are now unaware

That's how I feel too - its complicated.

My father would have hated his dementia self- all his life he was a difficult man fiercely proud of his intellect. He would absolutely have wanted to be euthanised if he could have seen his future self. However his demented self was sweet and gentle and trusting. Im not sure I could have taken him and told him to hold his arm out for an injection that he no longer understood would have ended his life.

Besides which, 'no' is the default answer to everything for some people with dementia - my mum's like this on a bad day, doesn't matter what you ask her, the answer's no. How's anyone supposed to distinguish that blanket 'no' from 'no, please don't kill me'? It doesn't bear thinking about.

I feel really worried that this is where society will end up eventually.

I’m very far from naive and come from a family riddled with it. I was the carer of someone who died from it.

I have. It’s terrible. But she regularly refused medication, which is extremely common. How would we have packed her off to Switzerland and delivered a lethal dose?! “Now, I know you’re saying you don’t want us to, but 10 years ago you said you did and there’s no backsies so we’ll strap you to the plane then hold you down to deliver the dose”.

But your cut off is when you can no longer live independently? So how will you manage that planning then?

😂

But how would you do it? I'd want something quick and painless. Not sure it that's possible without going to Switzerland....plus it's illegal.
I really hope they legalise assisted dying before its my time.

I would like a system of advanced orders where you can specify at X point I want to be sent off with a drink like Switzerland or a lethal dose of morphine or whatever.

anyone who has watched a loved one die from dementia would understand that preference even if they don’t choose it for themself.

as it is, if I get a diagnosis I will have to choose between going to Switzerland and ending my life while I’m still well enough, at which point I’d have months if not years of quality of life ahead, or letting dementia take me.

Most people who receive a diagnosis of dementia still have capacity. My mum received a diagnosis after some odd behaviour and forgetfulness alerted us that there was something amiss. The condition didn’t start to affect cognition until a few years later. We had plenty of time to put an advance directive in place.

You’re so so naive and clearly don’t have much experience of dementia.

Don’t know what country you’re in for assisted dying without capacity?

Same here. Mum was in her late eighties when she was diagnosed with vascular dementia. We managed to keep her at home with us with great input from carers, GP and district nurses, but the decline was steady over the years and the last twelve months were utterly horrendous.

She still retained some capacity up until the last couple of years and then the decline in cognition was rapid. The most awful thing about it was that she had fleeting periods of lucidity when she knew exactly what was happening and I don’t think l’ll ever forget how frightened she looked whenever the realisation of her situation dawned. She died in March this year at the age of 95 and l have to admit the grief was mixed with relief. Like you, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You lose the person bit by bit, and for me, by the time death took her there was nothing left of the mum I knew and loved.

How will you manage to plan that out with the dementia?

So hold them down and kill them even if they resist cos they said they didn’t want to end up like that when they hadn’t yet developed dementia?!

I think you’re incredibly naive. The progression of dementia isn’t necessarily quick and isn’t necessarily linear. At what point, having presumably cared for the other up to that point are you saying “right that’s it, time I buggered off and moved on with my life”?

When we had our 19 year old dog euthanised it was horrific. I could cry thinking about it and will never have another dog because of it. The fear in his eyes, the panic, the fighting against it. No never again. Was it in his interests? I doubt it and he'd probably have died quite soon anyway.

She was very happy before that appalling disease got its claws into her. You clearly know nothing about it.

Neither was mine, she was lost in time and space and scared all the time. She thought she was in 1950s Liverpool. She was doubly incontinent and violent. My friend's dad, however, once safely installed in his care home was perfectly happy chatting to his long dead friends all day. People are different.

I am now old enough to have friends dealing with their spouse's dementia and it strikes me that identifying it early and taking advantage of medical help avaliable makes it a lot less awful than trying to cover it up and soldier on like my parents did. This might change as time goes on but none of them are currently contemplating suicide or assisted dying.

No it isn't always like that. It can be very unpleasant for the person with dementia. I don't think you can predict if they will be happy in their bubble or suffering a living hell.

Okay maybe yours wasn’t. Maybe she was never happy. Maybe I would be with dementia. None of us could possibly know.

I wish I was but thank you.

My mother was not perfectly happy.

Experience of what, have you had dementia?
This is the thing from what I understand of dementia. The person with it is perfectly bloody happy floating around in their little bubble minding their own business. It’s everybody around them. It’s a problematic for.
It’s not like they’re in pain