To think this is the most awful thing to say to a parent

I shall end my life if I have dementia - no sign of it yet! My dad was a monster and had a sexual interest in my body. I got away from him and rarely think about it now. But I know that in dementia you can't remember your breakfast but your childhood is remembered and relived, and I'm not going through it again and again, wondering if anyone near me is my dad coming for me.

Im not sure id be one to worry what my mums husbands sister said to someone else

Well that's the crux of an assisted dying bill.

If I can't pay to die with such a disease, I'll be looking to take my own life, and i fully appreciate that that will traumatise those dealing with the aftermath.

All these people saying that would end their life I don’t believe you. I think you would be sacred and clinging to life fearing death.

bit brutal but she has a point. I can't imagine becoming such a burden on my kids and ruining their life because they have to take care of me.

I suppose hospice and retirement houses are the only answer, what else can you do

The person's decision. Not on to tell someone what they should do. How awful if someone has strong views against suicide (maybe religious) and are being made to feel they should go against their own beliefs/conscience. If you want to do it crack on.

Many people have said the same, but HOW? It's not that easy.

She shouldn't have said it but I'm guessing your mums husband is now pretty clear that he will have caring responsibilities instead of his sister if the need arises?

I would have agreed with you until I looked after a relative. Not dementia related, but in the end they were bed bound, double incontinent, almost blind, but of sound mind so were well aware of what what happening. It took 9 long and painful days for them to finally die. An animal would not have suffered like that. If they had known what was to come, they would have ended it.

Both are easy to obtain.

We know it’s illegal. It can’t be that difficult to let yourself into a friend’s house and ‘discover’ that they have taken their own life?
In a previous post you say no one you have diagnosed has managed to do it.
As someone who visits a dear friend I ve known since we were teens, diagnosed with dementia and newly admitted to a care home, no, no, no, not for me. She can’t string a sentence together, doubly incontinent, can’t dress herself, is prone to angry violent outbursts etc, etc, BUT she knows she’s locked in and bored out of what mind she has left.
She’s well looked after don’t get me wrong, but bloody hell what a way to live. Like being in an airport but your flight is never called cos you’re physically healthy and if you get pneumonia which would lead to your flight finally being called, the lovely Gp will come and give you antibiotics aaaand you’re back waiting for your flight. At least in prison you know how long your sentence is.

I thought this about my mum but then the last 2 years she was a basically a body being kept alive. It was horrific and inhumane. I hope this is not the case for you but please recognise it is the case for a lot of people

Her delivery was awful of course but have you cared for anyone with dementia. After 10 awful years with my mum who was diagnosed when she was only 60 I would absolutely want to die with dignity on my own terms and not end up being a shell of a body in a bed unable to speak, recognise family, eat by myself, walk (for 2 years in my mums case). My sister felt the same . And when my dad got lung cancer he was relieved that is how he was going to go. It’s beyond horrific losing someone to dementia . I suspect her has already thought of what she would do

I agree with you wholeheartedly and am quite worried by some of the things I’m reading on this thread.

One of my concerns about assisted dying is the possibility of creating a kind of consensus in society that ending it is what we all should do if we have certain conditions or disabilities. And here we see it; people supporting a woman who has told her own parent that she should kill herself if she gets dementia, and only mildly criticising her for ‘the way she said it’. It’s an appalling thing to say.

Insensitive perspective for sure...
But hypothetically how does the sister expect someone with cognitive impairment to make a decision about that and act on it?

I am the carer for DH with dementia. I do not beleive in euthanasia. DH does still do thing he enjoys. He has some quality of life. The cost for us as a family though is very high

Realised how inappropriate I was. Sorry.

I agree we do sometimes have a problem with overtreatment/over medicalization of the very old and frail, and there's a space for more and better conversations about moving to comfort focussed care, more treatment at home, how to plan a good death, advance directives and DNACRPs etc (and have also sadly witnessed futile and ultimately harmful attempts to save an elderly relative from what could have been a gentle, slipping away kind of death, much deserved after already long suffering - not CPR but unnecessary hospitalisations, antibiotics etc - I'm sorry you had to witness something similar too, it is awful).

But I think it's so much more complicated than just enforcing some kind of universal palliative plan for everyone who has lost capacity - people without capacity are not some homogeneous mass, there's young people say with a severe learning disability meaning they couldn't begin to make these kinds of decisions for themselves but who have great quality of life, are we saying they get the palliative only plans if they get pneumonia or similar (not uncommon given comorbidities of many common LDs and genetic illnesses)? What about previously capacitious adults but who lose their capacity suddenly, not necessarily through organic disease like dementia but accident, trauma, self harm, drug overdose - their life may not look the same as when they have capacity but many of these people are well capable of expressing an opinion on their quality of life and they'd say it's good - are we going to deny them life saving fluids, antibs etc? That's before you get into religious and moral/cultural differences on the part both of the patient and the staff treating them (where does such a policy leave a clinician who abides by 'first do no harm'), and the difficulties of properly assessing capacity for such a momentous decision etc etc. There really are no easy answers is the problem!

I have had three relatives with dementia (who have all now died). I would not want to go through dementia, or have my loved ones having to deal me.

But saying the person needs to end it misunderstands the nature of the illness. By the time you are diagnosed it is usually a fair way down the line, and your thinking is too disordered to put any plans you have made into action. And it is also quite common for people with dementia to refuse to acknowledge that they have it anyway.

My lovely neighbour said if she got dementia she would walk into the sea and end it all (feasible, as we live by the sea). Of course when it came to it, she was not able to do so. She moved to a care home and died there.

So I'd like to say I'd walk into the sea if the need arose, but I doubt I'd be able to execute that plan. Or even remember I'd had the plan in the first place.

I wish there was a system where we could quite clearly willingly sign up to say if we got such diagnoses we could be put out of our misery as it’s no life.

We keep people alive in worse conditions than dogs forced to live a life where they cannot take care of themselves or remember their own loved ones and the ones they do remember are from a long time ago often a dead relative crying out for them. Found wondering the streets in a daze looking for their beloved passed away husband/wife.

No thank you.

I agree that she shouldn’t have said it in the way she did, nor do I agree with the point of view that it’s a moral obligation. That said, if I was diagnosed with dementia, and assuming I still had the capacity to do so, I would look into taking my own life in as peaceful a way as possible. That’s a personal choice though and others must make their own.

Presumably that's part of why she said at the very end (of the cruise)

I have the gene for altzeimers and watched my grandfather die of this awful disease

i will 💯 off myself as a curtesy to my children

id not want to hear my children suggest this tho

This resonates. FWIW, my MIL (with dementia) was adamant that she didn’t have it - or that she’d caught it at the care home.

I would, however, like to see everybody with a dementia diagnosis checked for infection. I have three people in my family who appeared to have dementia, only to ‘come back’ after antibiotics. One, the doctors said all along it was an infection (she was so bad, we couldn’t believe anybody could come back from it). One who had ‘dementia’ for a couple of years, then had IV antibiotics for a chest infection, and ‘came back’ - travelling about, and showing no sign of mental impairment. And one who is improving slowly after antibiotics. I wouldn’t be surprised if the last one has some early cognitive decline - but if she improves a little more she still has the potential for some quality of life.

Until you have walked in her shoes you shouldn’t judge. It is a bloody awful disease.

My DM dies with it 2 years ago this month. She went from a smart, witty, intelligent person to a scared, frightened husk of the person she was. After two years we DBs and I) are still putting ourselves back together. She went from being a bit “funny” in the afternoon (sundowning) to having the occasional flash of herself, to having no recognition and being in constant fear.

if the sister visited, even if your DM did most of the caring, she would likely have been giving your DM a break. I remember the many times I left from “visiting” my DM and just sat in the car and cried before I could drive home.

If my DM had known what was to happen, she would have committed suicide. If I had known what would happen, while DM was still her to make this choice, I might have helped.

if this had not happened to my family, I may have had a similar view to you. Unfortunately, I’m not so naive about dementia any more.

Unfortunately a beloved amazing relative has early onset dementia so age isn’t a barrier. It’s an awful disease and just so cruel. We have a lot of it in my family so I’ve made my peace that I’ll end my own life if I’m diagnosed. My dad has it right now and it’s beyond awful.
OP I’m going to echo what most people here are saying and while the person could have been more tactful she is actually right in what she said.