Aibu to expect my husband to manage work/life better or is this normal?

OP how do you know he doesn't get work calls when he's at the gym or out running?

he said I brought down the mood of the whole bbq instead of just enjoying it.
If I've read this account correctly, he's asking you to enjoy something you've shopped for and prepped and half cooked as you had to feed the kids?

For work to be encroaching on my life id want it to provide life- changing money. This is encroachment is affecting more than your husband. Is he choosing to be available to remove himself from responsibility at home knowing you will pick up the slack?

The work thing has never bothered me but not taking time to plan stuff with kids does / would. Tell him to pick a few days / half days even weekend days that are his with the kids. In order for you to get through summer you will need a few days break too. (Or like you say nice for him to have one to one with each one if they like different things )

this was my life for 20 years , at the time I tried justifying it but he was just a selfish arsehole who didn’t want to do anything family wise , talk to him again but if things don’t change he’s really showing you who he is

It depends if you also get some free time and what he contributes to overall quality of life. My DH is a workaholic - his absence from family life is/was compensated by:

Beautiful homes
The best schools/education for the DC
Ability to do wonderful things
Plenty of money invested

I think you’ve come so close to nailing the exact point. When he is in the pub or gym or playing golf, he’s not working and not available so he doesn’t take work calls. When he’s supposed to be home with his family or when he’s out with his family or out with his wife, apparently that’s not important enough to fence off so he’s available and takes work calls. Very regularly as he has to fit all his out of hours work into his available time and he has quite a bit of gym and friend time he can’t possibly use for that. Because that, unlike his family, is important to him. My conversation would him would be very very very clear on what changes and what kind of single parent he’s very actively planning to be.

My first husband was like this. It took me awhile to realise that it wasn't that the job was soooo demanding that he had to be available 24/7, but that he'd rather be doing work stuff than be present for/in his family

Back in the day, before I retired, it wasn’t unusual for men to stay at the office till 6.30-7 for no clear reason…….. though it was clear that, by the time they eventually got home, they would have missed their children’s bedtime…

This is an excellent take on the situation. He wants a family, but as his background.

My first husband was like this. It took me awhile to realise that it wasn't that the job was soooo demanding that he had to be available 24/7, but that he'd rather be doing work stuff than be present for/in his family.

As you've already worked out, he can "turn work off" to do the nights out with mates and runs and gym, but won't do it to protect family time or time with you.

Same with the fact that he doesn't plan things ahead with younand the DCs - he doesn't really want to.

I'm sorry, it sucks.

Work expects more and more from us. The more we give, the more will be expected.

I’d start there. No calls in family space. You and the dc ought not to be tip toeing round him using the kitchen as his office, that’s ridiculous.

i use a headset now so it keeps both hands free when needed

I lived that on call life for 10 years and there is no doubt some calls do have to be taken regardless of time, location etc (taking a call on the balcony during a family holiday, the call 2am on Black Friday, xmas day afternoon all spring to mind!) BUT those calls only got to me because they were urgent.
His willingness to put work over family time but not over hobbies (I saw the references to marathon training, is he also a triathlete?!) is where he’s being shit but I saw it time after time where I used to work, the culture was very much “wife at home”, being a family man was encouraged but only in the 1950s sense, whereas sporting achievements like marathons and triathlons were lauded and actually seemed to work in favour come promotion time.
Time for a cards on the table talk about what you both actually want out of marriage/life etc

He sounds like a dickhead who has checked out of family life. Not good.

I think you’ve done the right thing calling him out and giving specific examples. Yes job might be demanding but he can put boundaries in place to suit him.
It’s shitty on the children and unfair on you. They are off 6 weeks not even talking one day off with them but taking time off for hobby shows them they are last in mind.
I’d follow up with a proper conversation that you aren’t living like this. He can’t opt out of family life.
If time is so limited due to work he should be cutting back on hobbies and time with friends not his children and you.

My husbands job finishes at 4.30pm but im a manager and I often work till 7pm and sometimes later and it annoys my husband too. My wage is our bread and butter and he doesn't complain about that.
I do however go out of the way so I dont disturb others. Sometimes its hard not being in the other person's shoes when youre trying to do your job

You’ll know better that us whether the nature of his job and his level of responsibility requires him to take all these calls. Some of it, like the birthday dinner, is just plain rude.

From where I’m sitting, he isn’t succeeding in being a good partner or a good manager - a good manager should be setting and modelling boundaries, and building capability in their teams to deal with problems instead of bailing everyone out all the time.

This call went on for over an hour in the kitchen

Why did it HAVE to be taken in the kitchen?
Is this where his office is set up?

If not, then I’d have just carried on doing the BBQ as planned and he can go into a different room.

My husband also works in IT and is pretty much permanently on call but it interrupts all of his time equally: including the entire Scotland game which he’d stayed up deliberately to watch. The fact it seems to disproportionately impact family time is, well, suspicious.

It's very easy to say it's 'sad' and 'poor kids' if you don't have to do it.

I'm the main breadwinner and was a single parent for years so if I didn't do it my child wouldn't have had food or somewhere to live.

There's two only slightly related issues here:

The demands of the job: that genuinely may be something he can't help. My job is a bit like your husband's: I routinely have to take calls outside office hours, work in the evenings, sometimes at weekends. If a client wants something done at 9pm it gets done, no questions asked, I can't turn around and say 'I'm with my kids'. I'm in a senior role and if I didn't do these things we would lose the client and I would be hauled over the coals at minimum, possibly fired. Some jobs are like this and if you're the main breadwinner 'work life balance' is honestly a luxury you can't afford.

But, it doesn't sound like he is prioritising what free time he does have for family. If he's really busy at work all the time, family time should be next on the priority list ahead of bike rides or whatever. It's quite reasonable that he should be able to carve out time for family.

I wouldn't tackle it by having a go about the job because he has limited control over this. But you can demand that he prioritises family more in the free time he does have.

I work in a job that could be all hours but I’ve just had to set boundaries. I’ll only work in the evening if I want to. There are surely other people who can pick up emergencies. He needs to work things out, not acceptable.

It sounds like he has checked out of the responsibilities of family life. Can you perhaps book a day for yourself so he has to take the kids for the day?