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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

135 replies

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 09/07/2026 03:01

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if I have a right to be upset.
Tonight DH and I were talking about DS and how hopefully he'll get a space in a special school soon. DH said to me if that happens I'll need to do something during the day like go for a couple of miles walk. I asked why and he said well you need to exercise. I said if he was at school full time I was hoping to get a job. DH said well yeah as long as it's school hours term time only. I pointed out that as he's been at his job for years he could ask them to adjust his hours. Oh no apparently his work aren't doing that.
DH then said I should just stay home and most women would love the life I have. He was totally serious. So most women would love to have a chronic illness while caring for serverly autistic child. A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night. I do absolutely everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, therapy exercises with DS, fighting with the LA for the school place he needs and this makes me lucky? Most women would be jealous of that? I mean anyone who is can come round and clean my son's room tomorrow.
DHs comments have made me feel really shit. Like I'm a terrible mum because I don't enjoy being at home. Or like I don't appreciate DH goes to work and I don't have to (I do understand that most of the financial pressure.is on him). I would happily swap places with DH but he won't
I don't know I just feel like I can't even complain to DH if I've had a bad day now because he thinks I should be grateful I don't have to work. He's obviously got no intention of doing anything to help me get back to work if DS ever gets a school place and I suspect (well I know) everything will still fall to me because I have chosen to go back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I love DS to pieces and would do anything for him but he's still hard work. It probably sounds horrible to say but I did quite enjoy being a SAHM when my DDs were young but they had more understanding and enjoyed school holidays (DS doesn't because it changes his routine. We also can't go anywhere because DS doesn't like busy places) and they didn't smear.
I don't know if maybe I'm just really ungrateful and I should enjoy being a SAHM or if I'm right to be pissed off with what DH said and the fact he has no intention of doing anything to help me return to work

OP posts:
rivalsbinge · 09/07/2026 06:35

Op That sounds so hard a chronic illness and the care you are giving your son, does your DH help with the morning's and the cleaning etc?

I feel like work would be pretty impossible to fit in around this but I can read that you’d like to have some independent time and sounds like you need a structured break from being a mum, do you ever get any breaks or any time away at all?

I think your DH sounds like he may have had good intentions only you know him well enough as the way you’ve written this he sounds like an arse, but he could have worded it better.

PersephoneParlormaid · 09/07/2026 06:33

I suggest he wants you at home so that he doesn’t have to do his share of the grunt work. The trouble is that you are financially vulnerable, while he fills up his pension no doubt.

ThisOliveKoala · 09/07/2026 06:29

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 09/07/2026 03:01

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or if I have a right to be upset.
Tonight DH and I were talking about DS and how hopefully he'll get a space in a special school soon. DH said to me if that happens I'll need to do something during the day like go for a couple of miles walk. I asked why and he said well you need to exercise. I said if he was at school full time I was hoping to get a job. DH said well yeah as long as it's school hours term time only. I pointed out that as he's been at his job for years he could ask them to adjust his hours. Oh no apparently his work aren't doing that.
DH then said I should just stay home and most women would love the life I have. He was totally serious. So most women would love to have a chronic illness while caring for serverly autistic child. A six year old who has the development of a 12 month old, a child who's bedroom I have to scrub every day because he smears his poo at night. I do absolutely everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments, therapy exercises with DS, fighting with the LA for the school place he needs and this makes me lucky? Most women would be jealous of that? I mean anyone who is can come round and clean my son's room tomorrow.
DHs comments have made me feel really shit. Like I'm a terrible mum because I don't enjoy being at home. Or like I don't appreciate DH goes to work and I don't have to (I do understand that most of the financial pressure.is on him). I would happily swap places with DH but he won't
I don't know I just feel like I can't even complain to DH if I've had a bad day now because he thinks I should be grateful I don't have to work. He's obviously got no intention of doing anything to help me get back to work if DS ever gets a school place and I suspect (well I know) everything will still fall to me because I have chosen to go back to work.
Don't get me wrong, I love DS to pieces and would do anything for him but he's still hard work. It probably sounds horrible to say but I did quite enjoy being a SAHM when my DDs were young but they had more understanding and enjoyed school holidays (DS doesn't because it changes his routine. We also can't go anywhere because DS doesn't like busy places) and they didn't smear.
I don't know if maybe I'm just really ungrateful and I should enjoy being a SAHM or if I'm right to be pissed off with what DH said and the fact he has no intention of doing anything to help me return to work

Sounds hard OP, you say you have a chronic illness, will you be able to work much? IF DH stopped working and you did would you be bringing in the same amount of money and be able to work for years to come?

chirrupybird · 09/07/2026 06:26

If you have a chronic illness as well as all your caring duties I think your DH might be right that having a job as well might be too much. His delivery leaves a lot to be desired though. Could you do something working from home self employed with no fixed hours, do you have any hobbies that you could turn into a small business something like that would be ideal.

Betadelta · 09/07/2026 06:15

Yes, I would be upset about this, for all the reasons you give.

Moonnstarz · 09/07/2026 06:11

On one hand he is being practical, as if your son does get a place then it may be reduced hours on a part time timetable or it will require someone to drop off/pick up or deal with school transport.

However the way he has said this should be you sounds very controlling. You have taken your turn at caring for your son and DH needs to now acknowledge that you are a person and I expect would like to work for a sense of being you and having adult conversation.

As others often say, is DH even providing a pension for you? Are you equal home owners?

TropicalFishAreTwats · 09/07/2026 06:11

His delivery was piss poor but I can understand what he means.
Working on top of doing everything else that needs doing is just adding extra stress on both of you. I have worked full-time since my children were tiny, it's not easy fitting everything in and if I could have reduced my hours/not worked I would have done.
Assuming your husband is happy for you to spend money as you see fit etc personally I wouldn't be in a rush to go back to work and would take the time for myself as your husband suggests.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/07/2026 04:35

He's being a sexist pig and bully.

He's portraying you as living the life of Riley... Where the reality is that it's hard slog...

Do you ever leave him for a few days so he has to do all the caring tasks...??

Ponderingwindow · 09/07/2026 04:11

Your child has profound needs and that is going to make finding care difficult. That does not mean your ability to provide for yourself financially in the event something happens to your husband should be completely ignored. This isn’t just about your personal satisfaction. Working also protects you and your children. It even protects you husband because if he can’t work anymore, you could become the sole breadwinner.

Finding a way for you to get work experience, make sure the family finances are robust, and make sure you have childcare covered will not be easy, but you aren’t wrong to want to try.

aloris · 09/07/2026 03:59

You have a right to be upset. Your husband is disrespectful and unappreciated of the work you are doing and sounds more than a little misogynist. It's your lot to scrub poop smears daily and you should be grateful you get to do so? Wow. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you can go back to work so you can have a social life outside this man who thinks so little of you.