AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

Sorry you're in this situation op it is rubbish and really relentless.
I think you have two issues.
Your husband is a big issue. Would he go to any therapy or couples therapy? I just can't see how the relationship can sustain long term if he doesn't respect you and can start being on your team. The resentment will just erode the relationship.

The second issue is finding a job and childcare. Now I have a husband who has moved heaven and earth for me to work too but ultimately the childcare for sen doesnt exist unless you pay for a private sen nanny which is really expensive. Eventually I had to give up my job because my sen child couldn't attend school for a while. We obviously had to protect the job that pays the bills. Once you've been in the higher earner lower/no earner roles for a few years it's incredibly difficult to change them without a ton of support.

The only roles I can do are self employed or flexible wfh jobs which I've been applying for 3 years now. Yet to find one. Maybe you might have better luck. But the term time flexible ones are like hens teeth and there's a million others looking for the same.

If you can't see a way forward with the relationship I think best to bide your time and make a plan to exit the relationship in a way that puts you in the best situation so maybe by getting more qualifications/skills that means you're in that front line for getting a wfh job. I really do wish there was more support to work whilst having sen children. Unfortunately the only ones I know who manage to work are women who had well paying flexible jobs decades before having children and had bargaining power with their employer to wfh flexible/term time/can afford the nanny.

If you went back to work would it be possible to pay for care for your autistic child?

You sound worn down and trapped, and getting back to work could be important for your mental health. It’s very hard to transition from the kind of validation you get in a senior professional position, to being at home particularly if there isn’t recognition and appreciation from your partner at a minimum.

There’s a huge power imbalance that creeps in when one person works, and the other doesn’t that can trap the sahm at home as the default parent. Is this a conversation that has taken him by surprise, and he’s said things off the cuff, but might come round when he’s thought about it? Or do you think he’s the kind of person who will block you returning to work?

What do you think your realistic earning capacity could be now? Between you is it possible to outsource some of the care role?

@AlwaysExtraHot sounds like DH would just carry on as normal so no extra stress on him.

Working on top of doing everything else that needs doing is just adding extra stress on both of you.
There's no question of HIM adjusting his working life though, is there?

Your husband worded things badly, I would have said chronic illness and a disabled child is enough on your plate already and you shouldn't feel pressured to work on top.
He does have a point thinking about term time hours and if a job would be manageable. But even if it's too difficult, you should still be able to get breaks and socialise in other ways with your husband's support.

Is it the practical idea that it keeps pressure off you to be home no he doesnt get how it could be percieved?
Working full time or part time if you choose or want to then do.
Your dp will have a leave so you can alternate once or if you did return to work.
Working and covering childrens sick days, your own and work life can take alot.
Exercise for your mental health and to get outside the home is a really good daily habit.
Never put aside your wants and desires whatever is going on.
Men are stupid sometimes! Selfish too.

I think he likes me being at home because then everything is down to me as he's done his bit by earning @Stressedoutmummyof3

Absolutely, he likes having a live in nanny and housekeeper. He knows he would have to do more like his fair share.

I would definitely start at least part time, or will give you confidence, social interaction and sense of autonomy you need.

I mean I do understand his point. Will you realistically find wraparound care willing to take on a child with such profound disabilities? If not, how would you manage to work in a job that wasn’t school hours?

I work with a lot of men who have SAHM for wives and it's because they do not want to deal with the issues kids bring. They don't want to have to take a day off work to look after a sick kid or attend a school event. It's not about your poor parenting it's all about you covering everything so he doesn't have to.

I have an autistic son although he is an adult now. Personally I preferred not to go to work during school hours as I viewed that as time for myself, and I didn't want to use it all on working for an employer. Childcare for a disabled child is extremely difficult to find, and often expensive, so the financial benefits often aren't there, especially for school hours jobs which tend to be low paid. A lot of childcare workers are just not great with SN and you have to be more selective and careful choosing childcare than you would for a NT child. I was a single mum, so I didn't have the issues to deal with with a DH, I just got on with things myself. But don't overestimate the time you'll have with school hours - there may be a part time schedule to start, travel time, school holidays and inset days may not align. All the housework and cleaning still needs to get done whether you work or not, even if DH pulls his weight you'll still have half of it to do and have to do it when your ds is at home rather than getting it done in peace when they are at school. Plus there is a lot of admin and reading around the subject for SEN and disability issues (we had multiple trubunals for EHCP and DLA which took hours of prep). And I had my own appointments for health issues, and needed to go to the gym for health reasons, and after all that there wasn't really time to fit in a job as well.

Agree your ‘d’H is being unreasonable.

You already have a FT job caring for your children.
I hope you are being paid the standard carers allowance? https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/how-to-claim (also need add: Claiming Carer's Allowance automatically qualifies you for National Insurance credits, helping to qualify for State Pension)

You’re not the terrible one OP, your DH is. What a prick.

Except, his comment on the son going to school was OP "will have to do something like go for a walk..." So he doesn't see it as she is vastly overworked right now but at least when the child's in school then workload will reduce to something manageable. He strongly implied that once the son was in school the OP would be at risk of having an hour spare and would need to fill it (by doing something free note).
Not that there's anything wrong with going for long walks. I like it. But not as something your husband prescribes to stop you being lazy

I understand how his words have upset you, he has little idea what life is like for you.

You do you, decide what you want and go for it.

He's blatantly rude and uncaring in his delivery, but I can see his point. You could be in a position like so many women where you had to work on top of the childcare challenges.

But no, you are not ungrateful or any of those things. It must be terribly hard, and my heart goes out to you.

I also think, as a pp said, that your husband altering his hours to allow YOU to get out of the house and get out there to do a part time job, would be a great idea. When he says altering his hours isn't an option, does that come from him or his bosses?

@Stressedoutmummyof3 I assume your DH doesn’t work 24/7, so what does he do in parenting your DS? When does he do the cleaning of the bedroom walls?

I just don’t understand why he thinks you’re not working, you’re working so hard! You’re just not being paid for it! Sounds really shit to me, I’d defo get a part time job or at least go and volunteer in a charity shop or something to get you out a few hours a week while DS is at school. For your own sake.

It sound like he has no awareness of just how much you do and no respect for it. He needs a wake up call. It sounds like he has the easier life!

As a SEN mum to a son, I would have thought going to a job could actually be stress relieving, it gives you a touch of reality and you can talk to others about everyday things rather than being at home all the time thinking about the jobs that need doing.

I think his delivery was a bit tactless, but from how you’ve described the conversation it doesn’t sound like your DH was saying most people would envy your life now, so much as that they’d envy having the option to stay at home once their child is in school rather than having to go out and get a job, which is the option you have. I can understand that sentiment, but it doesn’t mean it’s automatically what you want, especially having spent years in the home full time dealing with everything you’ve had to deal with.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 I don’t think anyone would swap with you I’m afraid, so your H is definitely wrong in saying you’re lucky.

He has a point about school hours / term time though. As your DC will need caring for in school holidays (13 weeks a year), so it would be handy if you were off too. Could you work in a school perhaps?

You need a break.
I think you are underestimating how hard it is to sustain a FT job when you have a child who has severe needs.
He needs to help more in the evening if he is the high earner.
I know that it’s crap and doesn’t feel good but sometimes we don’t have a choice.

DH is pretty easy to figure out, based on what you've said. He doesn't want you to get a job because then he'll have to actually do some things with DS and around the house, and he won't find it so easy to control you.
Tell him that if he thinks your life is so nice, perhaps you'll go away by yourself for a week so he gets to experience your jealousy-inducing lifestyle?

I'm sorry OP, he sounds awful.

You're married to a 1940s misogynist male chauvinist who wants a Trad Wife so he can check out of participating in family life and do fuck all. You should read him the absolute fucking riot act! And it needs to be explained to him that he does not know women at all as most women want financial independence. Make sure you get a job because you will want it for your independence if you need/want to leave him. Seriously my fanny would be drier than the Sahara Desert until he apologised!!

He doesn't think you should be grateful, that's pure manipulation, what he wants is for you to carry on doing everything, whilst he has less responsibility that a single man with no children. He is lazy, selfish and misogynistic.