AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

I am sorry he treated you like that and has made you doubt your self worth. It is entirely unjustified and wrong. From an outsider, it does sound like he was belittling you so that he can take the easy path and doesn’t have to do it instead. I guess there is more context, but non the less, he shouldn’t be assuming and you are absolutely right to stand your ground and do what you think is best

I would be upset too. Our situations aren't that dissimilar except my kid is quite a lot older now. I didnt go back to work, for various reasons (difficulties attending school being a big one) but my husband is very aware that a lot falls to me. He tries to be flexible with his work where he can to alleviate some of that because he's aware of how grinding it can be. I feel bad that he's having to earn all the money and he feels bad that I'm having to deal with the brunt of things with our kid, and all the associated things like ehcps and dla forms etc.
There's no right or wrong about whether you go back to work but you should expect support from your husband either way.
(I do now work part time, which my husband has been very supportive of too).

I think the comment suggesting you should feel lucky really dismisses all the work you do with your son and how difficult that world can be.

He is most certainly not a good man.
You poor woman.
Your life sounds absolutely horrific.
One hour a week with his father while you clean shit up?

I think you need to seek support from a domestic abuse charity and look at seriously getting respite for your mental health.

Your husband is selfish and cares only about himself, the status quo remaining, and you staying as stuck as possible.

Sometimes packing a bag when he goes out with his child and leaving him to it for an extended period can focus minds.

He doesn't care about you, so you need to care and take steps to protect yourself as best you can.

I'm so sorry.

I’m sorry but I don’t think I’d be upset by his comments, I would be completed p-ed off and would be questioning if I want to be with someone who has such a sexist view

I think the obvious question I would ask if… if others would be grateful for your life, why doesn’t he stay home and have that life? He obviously sees it as idillyic so offering him the chance to live it seems like the kindest thing to do

Then you can go back to work while he enjoys that life and you can enjoy actually been valued for what you do… make sure you remind him to exercise alongside keeping on top of everything else 🙄

He wants you to stay at home because he knows if you went out to work, he'd have to start doing some of the stuff you do, and he doesn't want to.

Isn't it funny how housework and childcare are simultaneously "nothing", and "nice and relaxing" when the woman is doing it, but also somehow so hard and unpleasant that the man would do almost anything to avoid having to even do a bit of it...

If you're already doing everything for your son and husband does the minimum, if you're happy to work and think you could fit it around your son and have UC pay 85% toward childminding costs with someone experienced with autistic children...you may as well do all that...because you're already living life as a solid, single mum.

Why are you with him when he thinks so very little of you? You're basically DH's live-in Nanny, at this point. Except you aren't paid, you're just told to shut up and put up.

He's a complete and utter pig. This should be 50/50 when appropriate, and 40/60, 30/70 when compromise is needed, either ratio between you.

Honestly, you don't need this pig.

You could flip dh’s statement, by saying that after being a sahm all these years, he’s happy for you not to go to work, but to take up a hobby such as going for a walk. He’s not expecting you to get a job, which many dh’s pressurise their partners to do, when the children go to school.

Honestly, speaking as someone with a child with needs not dissimilar to yours, I would fucking love to not have to work. The shit doesn’t magically get scraped off the walls while you’re out at work - you just end up doing all the soul destroying stuff as well as trying to hold down a job.

Aside from one measly hour per week (which you no doubt pack up, organize and facilitate), your DH has completely excused himself from care for your son.
That is one of your problems.
The other is that statistics would suggest that you are in an extremely vulnerable position financially, socially and for future career advancement. The liklihood of your marriage breaking up is much, much higher and you will be left with a high needs kid and even less support than you have now. I think you need to look at the disrespectful minimization of your current quality of life and the sacrifices you have made and start to make a plan for your future. Your mental health would be better if you were working and I suspect your DH would have more respect for you as well.

Not really the point if the thread my friend who’s chimed has similar need had his bedroom done in that shower panel stuff
VERY easy to clean and it’s a Matt white she put pictures up doesn’t look and different than painted walls

I feel angry for you reading this

I think we can all be a bit guilt of feeling resentful of each other the problem is we only judge and compare the parts we like
hell see it as an easy ride free time during the day but gloss over the grim bits and you’ll see him being lucky to escape all this by going to work yet being the sole earn is enormous pressure

I think he worded it horrendously and you will be naturally very sensitive about this

I think when a dh says something like this then actually it’s paramount you do get a job but saying that it’s difficult because even a child without issues deserves one parent to be able to drop everything to care for them, we both work ft and when the kids are sick, when school meetings etc come up the juggling is horrible and we’ve both missed a lot in our kids’ life (school plays, a graduation from primary). Personally I’d think Definitely look for pt/ term time

This isn’t about his upbringing or not knowing what you do, this is stone cold manipulation, he knows exactly and he fucking really doesn’t want to do it himself or any part of it. So he’s emotionally blackmailing you and manipulating you so you do it. If you left his selfish arse he’d be off and still force you to do it.

This sounds awful OP. If the nightly poo situation is the main issue, is there a way you could train him to to empty his bowels through the day. It's unusual even for babies to waken up with a soiled nappy every morning, at least in my experience. A health visitor could advise you on the various techniques to help you accomplish this. I would begin with this before considering a job & wait until you have a less stressful routine

It does sound tough OP.

My suggestion is that you change up some things. First of all DH can do cleaning duty at least one day on the weekend. And he can take DS out for 2 hours at another time, not one

sStart thinking about what you could do to stop feeling so lonely and isolated. Would an exercise class during the week work for you? Book group? Volunteer work? I’m guessing that you need something flexible but there will be options out there. Make it a goal to try 5 things that are just for you by the end of the year with the hope that at least one of them is something that you can continue on with.

Wishing you all the best

Agree, that comment is a pile of horseshit.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 he does one hour of parenting? When he goes out with DS this weekend, have a break and then get DH to clean the bedroom on his return

Of course he doesn't want you to work because that would mean he has to step up to cook, clean, clean your sons room, be a parent.

Of course he does not want that as that would give you independence from the house and from him.

And the comment about going for a long walk to exercise sounds like a dig at your weight. This man needs to get in the bin.

By law he can request flexible working. It is just that he does not want to and why would he when you, who has surely facilitated his work but being a stay at home mum, can pick up everything that he does not need to think about. I would feel belittled too.

Traditionally most sahms would look for work when their youngest was at school and this was probably the original plan, unfortunately this has been derailed for OP by having an autistic youngest so I don't think your comment was fair at all.

I’m so sorry. Your DH is a complete dickhead.

Yes.

One of the major losses when you give up working to be a carer is social interaction.

I know, that's what I mean. It's the OP who (he assumes) will make all the adjustments.

Speaking as someone who was a carer, I suspect that the last thing that the OP wants is to stay at home all day: I imagine that she wants the opportunity to be out in the world.