AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

What gives your DH the right to a life outside the home while saying you can’t have one too? Surely responsibilities should be shared at least to some extent so you could return to work.

So he works 9 to 5, 5 days a week and you work 24/7. Doesn't sound very fair. He needs to take on half the responsibility of the children and house when he's not at his paid job. No wonder you're feeling so crap.

I really feel for you. I became a stay at home mum long term because of a special needs child ( different to your DS but still attended special school). I wanted to go go back to work when youngest child (had 4 children) started Reception but problems with child at Spec Needs school meant I couldn't. All my mum friends with DC at mainstream school thought I was living the life of Riley - reality was far from that. My mental health was terrible and I dreamt of being able to go to work , which I loved before I gave up after I had DC no. 3. If you can persuade your DH I think it would be much better for you to work. Good luck.

Exactly, and earning is joyous compared to repetitive days spent caring and cleaning up. Earning and caring both need to be shared. I bet DH is terrified of losing his freedom.

You are so close to getting the point. OP’s DH is clearly not a great dad. So the likelihood of him doing it if OP has a job is not at all high, meaning OP will then be juggling a job and still cleaning all the shit.

I would discuss getting more than that hour on a Saturday for your mental health. Not a walk but things you'd actually want to go out and do.

He should scrub at weekends, it would do him a lot of good on the empathy scale.

It could be helpful if you can find a way to discuss this.
Often when partners have expectations of their partner or assumptions which they have not discussed or agreed with their partner, it leads to resentment and poor communication.

It will be hard to bring up, but it will enable you to move forward.

Think about what you would like; what are your needs, short-term, long-term, it may be also useful to think about what you might do if they can't be met. Discuss with your partner a solution to move forward. If there are statements like "you should be grateful" then try to calmly explain that you don't feel that way, and that there hasn't really been any discussion about what you both need, so you would like to discuss how your needs can be met. Try to be open to compromise.

It might also be useful to discuss as parents what you think your child needs to make sure collective decisions are made. It sounds like they have very complex needs and behaviours which are hard to manage by yourself. I wonder if there are any options to help them develop in areas which may make your lives easier.

If you reach the end of the conversation and there is no movement forward, then you might want to think about other support routes or if there are other ways you can move forward with your life.

You're not a bad mum or person, you have a tough gig at the moment! Even if you had an "easy life" of no work and lived in the lap of luxury, if you're not being listened to, or want to explore other things in your life this is perfectly reasonable and healthy.

I absolutely agree with this. What you are currently doing is hard work, would take so much training and would cost SO much to outsource. SAHM doesn't come close.

He’s made an assumption that is incorrect. That doesn’t mean you have to go along with it just because he has assumed you like your life as it is. If his role genuinely doesn’t have flexibility then you need to discuss how you can get your career back regardless. If he does have flexibility but isn’t willing to use it then you need to make it absolutely clear that as a partnership, there needs to be give and take from both sides and you won’t accept him just brushing this off.

You could join a ramblers group that goes out at 10am on Saturday and goe sto the pub after the walk or another all day activity. You could then get a part-time job on a Sunday. You will get your escape and a bit of money and he would have to parent properly. He couldnt complain as you were 'following his advice'.
Alternatively just get up on a Saturday and say you are going to the gym and come back 4 hours later after lunch in a cafe. You need personal time. PS your husband is an arse and needs to step up.

So you're taking on 100 percent of the parenting duties 24 hours a day 6 days a week, and 23 hours a day 1 day a week... And you WANT to work but your so called co-parent isn't willing to facilitate that, unless it's very specific hours that means you're still available to do everything! The fact that your career and social life has had to take the hit in the past and not his too......

This is completely unfair. Your husband's comments are downright disrespectful and he either knows he has a good thing going and is trying to keep you in this box of doing everything whilst you enable him to work and be dad of the year without actually doing the parenting, or he's completely oblivious and needs to remove his blinkers.

It sounds like now you might finally end up with a small amount of free time and want to work, instead of profuse thank you and acknowledgement of all that you do and willingness to support you with a career as you have supported him by doing everything but his job, and he's decided that you should go for a walk!

There are just no words.

OP you sound like a brilliant mum and it sounds very tough for you day to day. The division of labour and parenting in your relationship just is not fair. Your husband has a legal right to request flexible working so you both have the opportunity to earn and parent instead of one person choosing that you will do it all. You're not his employee and he's a grown man who chose to have a family. He's not showing up for you. Could you point these things out to him? Best of luck with everything OP.

I think you have to try to make it happen as if your husband wasn't there. Whether that means finding a way to source/finance SN childcare, working from home, working nights or agency shifts, whatever you need to do.
Of course, it may all fail dismally, but it also might be the saving of your sanity. Trying and failing will be much less harmful to you that the building resentment of feeling held back by your husband's attitude.
However otherwise wonderful he is, this is not a man who sees your needs as important.

So you get an hour break per week and you have to spend it cleaning feces smears? And your husband thinks that is a break for you? Can you use that hour to just take a little rest? Does your husband see you clean the smears? Has he ever done it himself?

I am not sure how you would cope with your DS and a full-time job. Of course, if your DH steps up as he should it would be easier. But still very hard - there are social and economic rewards, though, which could benefit your DS too. Get a job if you want to.

The shit gets cleaned off the walls when DH is at work and at home at the weekend, but not by him.

100%

My DH without going into details worked to the point of literally
having very little time for household duties & childcare & all it involves when they start school. I joined an agency where I could pick & choose hours DH was available which worked for us due to DH earnings covering our outgoings etc. My earnings were saved for holidays. There is no way I could have worked full time with the costs of child care etc. I was happy to be the main carer & manager of household duties & I was grateful for the opportunity. I collected the children from school then as they got older I welcomed them home every day. I never missed a concert etc. DH was always there for emergencies, parents nights & took time for sports days. If anyone sees this arrangement as being less of a contributer in the family or making yourself vulnerable then fine but it's not my experience or views. I understand & respect there are families who couldn't afford this way of life but it's not always to do with male dominance in the family dynamic if women choose to prioritise home life.

If you’re qualified to work in nurseries I don’t think you’re being totally unrealistic to think you could find something PT and TTO only e.g. a school nursery that could mostly fit around DS being FT at a special school. However, that would likely require your husband to do more than an hour a week of parenting… He sounds horribly selfish.

Does your H see you as some sort of domestic robot appliance with no actual feelings, hopes and dreams?
No one on the planet dreams of growing up and being stuck at home alone cleaning up shit forever while everyone else gets on with their lives.

Your husbands a prick. I’m so sorry. Sounds like you do a great job.

I meant the situation with kid, and not working, not the situation with the husband.

Exactly this.

no @Lkt32your situations aren’t remotely similar, they couldn’t be more opposite. You have a husband who supports and respects you, the op does not.

Come off it op. You know deep down he’s a complete cunt who is manipulating you in to cleaning his sons shit off the walls so that he never has to do it. Has he ever cleaned his shit up? If the answer is no, then you can pretend to yourself as much as you want that he’s just ‘traditional’ but this situation isn’t making you happy and never will.

have you ever been off childless to visit friends or whatever for a weekend? If not, then you must, because this is no life.

Exactly what I was thinking