AIBU to feel hurt by DH saying I should just stay home

Your ‘D’H is a selfish cunt.

I am the non working parent to a non school attending SEN child and my DH pulls his weight after he gets in from work. He also Flexi-ed his hours to do some of the running about to activities so I can have an hours peace and expects me to do whatever I like in that time. Even if that’s stuff my face with KFC and watch shit on Netflix. Because he knows if I break completely or burn out he’s fucked and will have to pick up all the slack All. Of. It and he couldn’t do it.

Your DH is incredibly short sighted, selfish and lazy. You have nothing to be ‘grateful’ for not being able to work and being a prisoner to your child’s needs 24/7 lets be honest even when they ARE at school you are spinning your wheels trying to keep on top of everything at home, yes?

What do you mean he won't look after him one day a month, what happens on weekends now? Does he get to relax while you continue to do all care?

He went mental?
To shut you down.

Just another selfish abusive arsehole.

You do need to reach out for support.
This is not a marriage.

This is an abusive controlling relationship.
You need support.

He knows well how hard this is, and he just doesn't care.

Keep your cards close to your chest and think hard.

If it was me, I would plan on walking out that hour he takes your child out.
I would leave him to it.
I know it sounds dramatic, but the truth is that you carrying this alone cannot continue.

Your health is at risk.
I feel so sorry for you.

No, he just wants to to stay at home so that he won't have to do all the required care work or housework. It's just convenient for him. Most men are very selfish. Leaving your full-time job was a mistake. We sacrifice so much for our kids but nobody will ever say 'thank you'.

What kind of father refuses to care for their child ONE DAY A MONTH? Absolutely disgusting.

He is BVU for not getting involved in the hands on care for your son. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is, but who just throws their hands up & turns away from their part in caring for a human they made?!?

There are all sorts of reasons he needs to be able to provide care to the same level you do. Maybe start with a couple of weekend days where you go through everything & he works alongside you, then start with a couple of hours of him in the house with DC and build up.

I'm not surprised he had the reaction he did OP - he's git away scot free with it so far. Pick your moment to keep chipping away though.

Would any part-time education courses grab your interest?

So he's not prepared to look after his son just one day a month (should be one day a week given what you have said about DR'S needs)?
I'd be getting rid of the deadweight for that, for refusing to even explore flexible working and for the various comments he has made.

I feel for you OP. I thought I would be able to go back to work when the kids had started school, but DS15 is out of school with an EHCP and does EOTAS with tuition at home. I have to be here for his tuition, and he can't be left alone for too long. Our DD12 is at also at a school 6 miles away with no affordable public transport, so I have to drive her.
I manage to work part time across six days a week and I would LOVE to work full time. I assumed I could go back into my career, and I'm 48 and hear people wanting to retire, whereas I'd like my life to be more fulfilling. I love the kids, but I didn't see myself having to reduce work so much.
DH would take a lot of this on, but he is the skilled one of us (we run a business, and he is crucial to it), but he also doesn't drive so even if he took the day off to be with DS he can't run DD to and from school.

Sorry op your dh is a selfish person he doesn’t want to do the leg work at home he expects you to do it all. I would suggest you do volunteer work for yourself and your mental health something you can enjoy meet others there is no point pushing yourself physically in a job as your dh isn’t going to help you in any way but I can understand the loneliness also see if there are any local support groups for you to attend. You definitely have a dh problem. Most women go back to work for independence their own money and a break from childcare which is hard enough but yours situation sounds even worse.

I think he absolutely does get it...that's why the prospect of knowing that he'd at least occasionally have to step in to a short-notice illness day, INSET, or half term doesn't appeal & he wants to keep the luxury (all his!) of the status quo.

While I agree the logistics would need strong teamwork to make it work, the mental health & self-belief & sense of accomplishment & social interaction & societal value benefits of you doing at least SOME paid work would be of enormous value to you. It sucks that the legwork of positioning this with DH as being of benefit to your whole family unit, long-term falls to you OP! He will have plenty of responses that revolve around the fact it might make his (currently unbelievably cushy) existence slightly more hard work.

I'd start with the fact that having a wife who is going bonkers/getting depressed isn't a healthy family dynamic - and that feeling more like your old self is likely to improve your relationship as a couple. And maybe follow up with the fact that if at any point he developed a chronic health condition or cancer, wouldn't it be nice to have some earning capacity remaining in the household to help carry the load through his turn for getting the shitty end of the stick...

It sounds like generally things are ok with your DH, but the scenario he prefers vastly increases the probability of him wandering elsewhere. Far better to find something to ramp up your self-esteem & earning capacity once you've done the hardest years in childcare!

Can you have a short-term family crisis that necessitates you visiting a relative alone for 2-4 days?!? Ideally a weekend + at least one working day. Having to step into your daily reality might be the kick he needs to acknowledge quite how gilded his current existence is!

Given your career background, would a part-time postgrad course be an option for you for now? A background in childcare development, plus your SEN experiences give you a strong position to specialise in an area of the education sector which is wildly understaffed at the moment. Would remote study to work towards being some kind of SEN therapist/counsellor be of any interest? Maybe something where you could work part-time hourly and set your schedule in due course? Or aim for a school based role which could be term-only?

I hope your DH gets over his empathy bypass, wherever you end up!

This is why divorces happen. You need a part time job to start squirreling money away. Fast forward ten years and you might really need a stash of cash to escape to a new life.

Perhaps you both feel hard done by as it is hard lookibg after young children anyway but particularly when there is SEN involved. He could just be being selfish but he could be also struggling (but in his case with the pressure of being the sole income provider). I would sit him down and tell him one weekend day every month he needs to have the kids so you can have a day off, and that you can do the same for him. That is not much at all but hopefully a day where you can just be you. Do you have any family support so you could have a half day or day a month where you and DH can go and do something together too without the kids? You need to tell him things have yo change and what you need - don't ask or state how you feel emotionally as that doesn't seem to be working. But also give him space tp talk about how he's feeling too (not about your needs but about his).

Op, apologies for repeating this but have you considered looking for solutions so your DS has moved his bowels properly during the day to the point of not needing to go through the night. A health visitor could help with strategies. Night time incontinence can even be caused by constipation. A mild laxitive could help him to empty the bowel completely & well before bedtime.

Isn’t he just telling you there’s no expectation for you to get a full time job, given you’re chronically ill?
He seems to have phrased it badly, but wouldn’t it be worse if he’d said you need to get back to work now you have all this time on your hands?!
I’m not getting all the “controlling” comments, tbh.

@Stressedoutmummyof3 this weekend just go out and leave DH to it. Then he will see what it is about

This is not strictly true. If you have a profoundly disabled child the courts will take that into account and understand that the ex wife most definitely needs to be provided for. It’s a different t situation from a woman who has kids and then does not work but has earning capacity.

I have an adult son with pronounced ASD ( now requiring 50 hours per week PA to attend university in our home town). when he was younger he could not swallow, had hour long fits and was heavily delayed. He was better than your child in that he did not smear poo in walls but he was bowel incontinent so I was having to deal with that until aged 11. The acrid smell of poo and cleaning his pants I can’t forget. Even now he blocks the loo etc. Frankly I did not go back to work as it was a constant fight with services and also I think thst he would have never made the progress he did as he could not even talk at aged 11 it was ecolalia / gobby gook. So for me it was the right decision to stay home.

I tried to return to work when he was at life skills but they removed funding for his proposed residential course and I ended up in the usual MDT meetings for university support that have only recently resolved.

My DH arranged for a joint account and I can buy what I want. He pays into an isa for me yearly. However he feels that he is working flat out so one of us had to stay home. He earns far more than I could now.

I get you. I have 2 sons and one is nearly 12 and in a special school due to his high level of complex needs. Unfortunately I haven't been able to work as there is nothing as flexible as I need. The school does not offer wraparound care and there are no holiday clubs suitable for him. He needs 2-1 care, and i don't have a hope in hell of being able to afford that. He's off sick a lot as neither he nor his peers are able to practice good hygiene, so everything spreads like wildfire. Then there are the occasions when he refuses to go in and I can't physically make him as he's taller than me now and nearly as strong.

I spend 99% of my time indoors cleaning up the messes, laundry, fixing stuff etc. I'd love a job again, but I don't see it happening.

But apparently my life is cushty, even when I'm scrubbing poo off the wall again.

I don't know if you've tried them, but there are special onesies that do up at the back with a zip and have hidden buttons, so that they can't be removed. The material is a bit stronger than most. I have recently learned that my son can only wear the long legged ones as he puts his hand up the short legged ones to gets into his nappy. They are called Kaycey bodysuits.

Did you ever go back to work in the end?

Dows your husband really do absolutely nothing to care for your son or do any cleaning? Not even at weekends? That’s shocking, working full time is absolutely no excuse for such an abdication of responsibility.

Believe me you are more than working ! You are carer, admin, housekeeper, cook and whatever else your family needs, no wonder your Dh doesn't want you to go back to work, his life would fall apart without you. Wishing you luck.with your school place

You need some contact with adults - that is nothing to do with DS and his care. That’s perfectly reasonable.
Im a Sahm and have been for many years. But I sprinkle in hobbies and seeing friends otherwise I would be very lonely and fed up.
Where is your social stimulation? That’s what’s need to change - whether at a job or a hobby or volunteering.

I agree with this, I think he was trying to say he’s happy to provide the lifestyle and if you want to work you still have to do everything at home because thats what works for him - he’s happy for you not to contribute financially and you can spend the time your DS is in school as you please - personally I would have took offence at the exercise part and would have replied no I will drink wine and get my nails done thanks! 😂 if you want him to share the household tasks more fairly and you both work - then that is a different conversation

I agree, it’s the way he said. Doing your life and having to work on too of all that is obviously exhausting and lots of women would love the choice. But he’s doing the opposite and not giving you a choice or feeling of choice. Have a sit and talk about what youve said here.