To think this is enough DH is?

You have a great insight and I think you know this is wrong. Even if you do leave him you don't have to leave today and can start to make plans and put financial things in place. Separate most of your finances. Joint for bills but he can't use it for his treats.
My husband grew up in a house like this in the 80s. His dad ruled and dictated everything. He wasn't allowed to watch ITV, only classical music could be played etc. His dad wasn't a nice person outside the house so had no friends himself. It has left a huge mark on my husband and sister.
You need to recognise this is narcissistic behaviour and at some point getting out is the only way. Good luck x

I've got one like this, been together over 20 years. Also good looking, but he doesn't bother with friendships or music. Doesn't dream or appear to have a soul, tbh. Utterly charming to everyone except me.

For various reasons, I felt I couldn't leave. So I just fought fire with fire. He would constantly take long involved work calls in the car, forcing me to listen to them, until one day I just told him never to do it again. Went through a phase of constantly clearing his throat, but never in public, so he could control it when he wanted. I asked him nicely not to do it many times and he just shut me down, so eventually I told him straight he either stops or moves out. He stopped. I was so scathing about his lack of thoughtfulness with gifts and birthdays that he largely changed his ways.

I no longer bother with asking nicely about things, because he won't listen. I just tell him. In your case I would simply turn off his music, tell him I no longer wanted to listen to it, and if it was so important to him he could wear earphones. Don't put up with it. Ask yourself if any reasonable person would do such and such, and if the answer is no, then make it clear you won't tolerate it from him. Force him to live life on equal terms.

I’ve just come off shift where I’ve had to listen to hours of someone else’s shite music… I thought of this post. I absolutely could not bear someone else’s music choice every living moment in the house & the car.
I enjoy the silence here in the house sometimes, it’s calming. I enjoy screeching along to music when there’s just me in the car.
I love music, all types … but other people’s choice shoved at me night and day, in my own space - Hell No!
Why does his choice trump yours? So rude!
I retire in a few weeks - and one of the pleasures of that will be not having to listen to somebody’s bloody music for hours!!

Burntout. You are not being treated as a wife here you are being treated as staff. Your relationship is dead in the water, no point in trying as he will never change. Do you want your son to learn how to be the man your husband is? Because that is what is happening. Get copies of all the paperwork you need , start looking for somewhere else to live. Do you have a good friend you can trust with a couple of boxes of paperwork and other important or sentimental bits that you would hate to leave behind? Get a new place ready and move out whilst he is on one of his weekends away. You deserve so much better than what he is.

He's self-preoccupied, controlling and emotionally immature. Thinks the world revolves around him and others don't have opinions,needs and feelings of their own. Set and maintian your boundaries.

op, please sort your finances asap and if you feel like it was, update us. Theres a lot of support for you. And I bet others see him more clearly than you think.

Last night he was taken unawares, he may well have plenty to say today. He seems the type to get nasty at least verbally so prepare yourself for that. Be prepared for him to bring up seeing other women, taking ds away from you and anything else he can use to hurt you.
Do you have a spare room you can move into?

I see a lot of similarities with my ex.

Both my DC have missed out on sports/hobbies because XH didn't want anything on a weekend that would encroach on family time. This continued even after divorce. Finally, aged 15, a new club of the type DC2 had wanted to go to since about age 8 opened on one of my regular weekdays of our 50/50 schedule. They are loving it!

DC1 would have loved to join a sports club but, even as a teenager when they could have got public transport, they were too concerned about doing something XH didn't support (because they visited his parents on a Sunday) to go for it. Now one of the things DC1 is looking forward to about leaving for uni (!) is that they can join a sports club.

Your 'D'H sounds worse than my ex, OP. You don't even fully realise the strain it puts you under until you get out and feel the weight lift.

This, you and your DS deserve to be treated better than this, just think how happier your life could be without your 'D'H in it

Now that you've been honest, Stop following the rules. Stop trying. Do what you want to do, I hope it brings you some joy. He has contempt for you, and that is the number 1 marriage killer.

Just seen your last update from last night - well done! My ex looked "sad" too but I got the feeling that when I finally called it (we went through months of me trying to make it work and him not trying because apparently he was in denial, according to him) he was internally punching the air coz I'd had the balls to do what he never had the courage to.

How are you this morning?

Good on you. Now, sort out your financial situation asap, because let me tell you, that's the first thing he will be getting on with doing today after that chat last night. Do not snooze on this.

Regardless of everything else, the fact that you feel deficient in his presence jumped out to me. That is an excellent reason not to remain married to someone.

This, with bells on. Because that's what happened to me in almost exactly the same dynamic (except he wasn't tricky with money, but OMG ,did he splurge on his "investments") ,especially in regard to his disregard for me in the latter years. My opinions ,likes or dislikes counted for nothing so long as I was there to be housekeeper and a nanny to our kids and look after them whilst he went on numerous lads trips. Once the kids finished school I was out. Surplus to requirements.

In the final decade my weight crept up as my self confidence went down. I'm now in the process of rebuilding my life after a 30+ year relationship. I'm in my fifties, massively overweight, and so full of regret, resentment and self doubt that I am really struggling with what should be a relief from all of that. Meanwhile, he has done the classic thing of getting a much younger girlfriend and is happy as a pig in shit. A textbook outcome that, if I was really being truly cynical, I'd say he planned.

I find it interesting that you can see this now whilst you are still in it. I was very much blinded by the person that I thought everyone else saw - good looking, clever, fun, generous - despite knowing deep down that the other stuff was going on. It's only since we split I've seen the full picture.

Please don't be me. Get out now and reclaim your life.

PS - don't assume everyone thinks the sun shines out of his rear end. It's been revelatory what some of our mutual friends have said about my ex now I'm not with him.

I don't think people like your DH can change. He sounds just so selfish and mean. Your son can't have shoes, but he spends very generously on himself (bike is not a bloody investment! Is it making money?).

You don't have to stay married and you really don't need a single BIG reason to leave. You sound very unhappy and it doesn't seem like this is a recent change or something your H has any interest in changing. Leaving will give you back your independance and full control over the remote (a silly representation of your own autonomy). You can try and get him to go to therapy with you to see if that will get him to see and change but if he won't do that you don't have to go on being unhappy - you can leave.

I left my husband because he made me miserable. Nothing big, just made me unhappy. I had a 7 year old daughter. We divorced, she was sad for a bit and then adapted fine. 8 years on I remarried a few months ago and am very happy.

Have you been to couple's therapy? You really should have before now, but now is better than never. Even if you are done it will let you know that, and that you at least worked through things and everything that needs to be said has been.

Yeah, just file for divorce.

How did it get to this? This is just who he is, right? Am I unreasonable to feel like this? How do others make it work?

It came to this because, despite the persona he promotes, he's inherently a selfish person.

Yes, this is just who he is.

No, you're not unreasonable to feel like this.

I had one like this and tried and tried to make it work over more than 30yrs together. Nothing I did worked and he never changed. Eventually I found the courage to leave him and life was so much nicer afterwards.

You should still go away with your DS for your birthday, and pay for it from the joint account (presumably his birthday party was also paid for jointly). Just because he deprioritises you doesn’t mean you should do the same.

Fuck that shit, life is too short. Teach your son about what healthy relationships look like

Good for you OP

This is a red flag for emotional abuse. Abusers will try to convince you you're crazy/too emotional/too much or whatever, to wear you down and fit their narrative.

He sounds incredibly selfish and controlling, I'd also question financial abuse.. why is he having the final say on purchases for your son? What would happen if you ignored him and done things to suit you/your son.

I think the fact you're questioning it, is that you know deep down this isn't right .

Just end it, what's the point?

This relationship sounds so miserable for you, could you go away for your birthday just you and your son? (You’d probably enjoy it more without dh there) also I’d like to know his response to that given that he has plans to go away with his friends, would he object to that? Tbh I used to be with someone like this and It was horrible, get rid of him and watch how your mood lifts instantly

The moment anyone, let alone my husband, eye-rolled me I’d be off. You only get one life OP. Use it wisely.