To think this is enough DH is?

I've often thought if I just try harder, work harder, love harder, he'll see me. But in reality I think the more effort I put in the less respect he has.

I could have written this. Constantly trying to get my ex's approval. In my case, he turned out to be gay, which explains why nothing I did was ever enough and why I didn't feel loved (I wasn't! Not like a wife, anyway). Not saying your H is gay! But it feels very different when someone genuinely loves and appreciates you. I didn't think my marriage was that bad until I eventually got into a new (much healthier in every way) relationship.

You deserve better, OP.

And, BTW, once we separated, it turned out that not everyone had a particularly high opinion of my ex. So it may not be true that everyone thinks he's lovely.

I think you need to get out while you can still see that this is wrong! This man has really done a number on your self-esteem.

As Mumsnet likes to say: go on a crash diet. Lose the 12 stone of dead weight.

This 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

But OP, how is this going to change his unkindness or the fact that your needs are constantly belittled or ignored?

How will it stop him playing his fucking jazz all the time?

His focus today will be on how this will negatively affect HIM.

He WILL try and be the victim.

I think it would benefit you to speak to Women's aid about the financial abuse.

When my friend did and had it confirmed, she told friends and family that she was divorcing for that reason.
She spelt out a few things and they were all genuinely horrified.
Her Ex husband did not like the label at all.
Like all abusers they hate the light being shown on their behaviour.

I’d check what he actually earns….doesn’t fit with 3 trips away.

It's hard to explain. I'm so sick of being unseen. Of everything I say being minimised and disregarded, and everything he says being gospel. I'm sick of his opinion having moral weight and significance, and mine being an emotional, silly response. I'm sick of him being tight and controlling the purse strings, but splurging on things he thinks are worthwhile. I'm sick of him being seen as the good guy because he's calm and measured and handsome. And me being seen as the problem because I'm gobby and impulsive and overweight.

You didnt need all the examples. This is enough. You dont have to justify why you've had enough, ehy hes a shit husband, why you want out. Its enough that youve had enough and want out.

Leave the relationship. End the marriage. Start living your life.

You come across as an articulate, thoughtful woman. Whatever you decide to do, please find some way to foster your own sense of self-esteem. You are worthy. Many of us on here are hearing you and rooting for you. Women are expected to carry SO much, often without so much as a by-your-leave. Good luck with your decisions.

@Burntoutandsevered over the years his behaviour towards you has eroded your self worth and confidence in your own judgements and abilities.

keep your boundaries, he will see what he has lost. The fact you've "said it like it is" will be a shock to him because he has never rating your value as a life partner. He has always put himself at the top of your household "food chain" and you at the bottom.

Too late will be the cry!

You sound as patronising and dismissive as the OPs DH.

Amen!

I remember the joy of being able to listen to Heart radio instead of old 70’s stuff and heavy metal after we split. The tension in the house went down completely after he’d gone.

Massive well done OP on the ultimatum. It doesn't actually sound like he likes or respects you, he sees himself as the boss and you a lowly employee to control. My advice before I read your last post was to suggest just dropping the rope, don't discuss things with him, don't seek his opinion, centre yourself and your needs for now.

I think it's definitely worth moving forward with separation while DS is younger as the residence split will be decided while he's still young rather than a teen who can decide for himself and he's more likely to carry on as a teen with the status quo imo. I would also try not to worry too much about DS adoring "fun Dad" - he gets to be fun dad because you're around carrying things and helping that dynamic along. It may not be the case here but sometimes kids "adore" the parent whose love/care feels more transient. It's a type of fawning.

not allowing me to buy my DD the prom dress she wanted

This is so sad and cruel - I am glad you’re in a better place now

'How do others make it work?'

We don't. Not with a cluster fuck like your DH.

Divorce him. Your work is done. Be free. He will be like this until his dying breath.

A thousand times this OP. Do not think that he will be reasonable now. He has had a decade to be reasonable. His behaviour is likely to ramp up, make these changes today, and tell him you need to sit down and go through any savings accounts to split them equally.

@Burntoutandsevered sorry you are going through this 💐

My DH was like this and it’s led to 30 years of resentment- although now the DC are adults it’s less obvious - and we do get on very well but I think it’s because I didn’t do anything about it at the time.

Some examples- never been to a parents night, never took the DC to any of their sporting activities (I used to be the only mum at football along with 20 dads), switched off my music and put on his, downplayed by achievements, gave his dead beat mates money while not allowing me to buy my DD the prom dress she wanted.

Everyone thought he was the best guy ever and I ended up with a massive drink problem. I’ve started therapy and there’s definitely an element of self loathing in my problems (disclaimer- I also experienced CSA so it wasn’t just his behaviour).

I wish I’d left about 20 years ago. We get on great now (always did) and life is great on paper (apart from my drinking). But huge damage was done.

So I’d leave now before your self esteem is completely eroded.

Good luck.

Move your salary to a seperate account.
Strictly 50/50.
Keep careful notes.
Start communicating via text so you have a record.
Can you move to your own bedroom.

He's not vile, but he isn't a good man.

He is selfish, controlling and financially abusing you.
He is manipulative.

Hold the line.
We are here for you.

You are clearly a convenience.
Stop laundry, cooking, shopping.
Watch your money.
You need to get advice from a domestic abuse organisation.

He has been gaslighting you with words like irrational.
This is what abusive men do to cause women to doubt themselves.

This marriage suits him, not you.

His attitude with money is financially abusive, make no doubt about that.

Start taking notes of historic incidents.

There is a whiff of Coercive control, which is now a recognised crime.

Start educating yourself as this will strengthen your resolve.

Well I think you were extremely generous, I don't know whether it will make you happy. but clearly things were so awful that something had to change.
I would now stop putting your salary into the joint account, just enough to cover house bills etc. he can then not benefit from your income for his own personal use.

He has not been loving, supportive, or caring. So what he gets out of your marriage is a housekeeper anyway.
You don't kiss the housekeep er Good Night

So it's simply his way or no way. There are much less reasons to leave than that. You'll be much happier alone and in control of your own destiny. Make the break, he's not a nice person.

As others have said, sorting the finances comes first.

BUT - hold your fire. To mix metaphors, you have already shown your cards and set alarm bells ringing in his head.
If he is the type to try and hide assets in a divorce (and he probably is that type), he will be getting on with that now. So you need to get ahead of him.
DON'T mention the 'divorce' word, not yet. Let him think you had a hormonal moment and it will all blow over. Try to act 'normal' for the next few days.

You need to find as much evidence as you can, as soon as you can. All his bank and savings accounts, any other investments he has, his pension documents, and receipts for any really expensive purchases made in the last few years, like cars, watches, etc.

Then, when you have done your digging and got as much evidence as you can find, that is the time to start making changes.
At that time, sort the joint account: get your salary paid into your own current account if it is not already. Look at all the household bills and work out what your half is. Pay only that amount into the joint account. Then whenever DS needs something buying, go to him with the cost and ask him to transfer his half into the joint account.
It will be a faff, but until you actually move out of the house, it may be more convenient to keep the joint account.

Alternatively, if you want to be truly "separated and sharing a house like flat mates", i.e. make yourself a separate "household" for Universal Credit, you need to close the joint account or get your name taken off it, cancel the direct debits, cut all financial ties, and just pay your half of bills as they come in. Move into a spare bedroom or sleep in the sitting room. Empty all your clothes and stuff from 'his' bedroom. Set up separate kitchen cupboards for you both and do separate food shopping.
You can also claim maintenance from him whilst living in the same house, as long as you are a separate 'household'.

I'm going to raise the abusive label. He calls you mental and irrational? Because you want some boundaries and he's illogical, reviewing ds's gaming time but rules go out the window when he wants to game? I think what you did was brilliant, telling him you'll co-parent, but I'd go further and properly separate. Start with finances, get a new account and your wages paid into it then buy what you want, don't finance his stupid expensive bikes etc.

You thinking they're not good examples suggests you've been manipulated to think this is normal. It's not, those examples demonstrate he is selfish and controlling.
If you want to leave him go for it. Go and enjoy the freedom to have fun with your DC and treat them to nice things. It sounds like you and DC could be much happier without him.

I'm in process of doing same. I'm done. So, so done. I'm ready to go if I need to. So I just tell him straight, don't care about the reaction if he's treating me like a skivvy or dumping all the work on me. I've stopped paying for everything and going extra several miles for him constantly. He can at least treat me as an equal partner if he wants to keep the marriage and all that I bring to the table. I'm not accepting less than that now. The worse he treats me the more I drop in things I do.
I'm just standing up for myself. He doesn't like it when I do but he can make the choice to keep marriage or finish it. I love him dearly and don't want it to end because we can be so good together. But I'm not his verbal punchbag or skivvy.
But OP u need to be planned and have ur ducks in a row to be able to take that stance and mean it.
Don't threaten him and tell him. That just lets him get prepared.

@Anonyanonay I'm interested in the not dreaming thing you mentioned. My ex used to say he didn't dream. What does that signify?