Is my marriage doomed?

Just thinking in 10 years time if nothing changes, your kids will be out of the home/independent, he'll likely be more obese, unwell, and require care. Are you willing to care for him through your older life stages knowing full well it was self inflicted. You could lose your job/cut back hours, become less able to do things you enjoy, and go into retirement financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally worse off.

Or you sit him down and give him an ultimatum.

You’re basically married to a blob with thumbs.

And his good points are……..?

Hi OP a bit of a cautionary tale.

Over time DH moved away from doing things together. He was happy to stay in and do very little. He left his job (when the kids were at school), leaving me as the only breadwinner but still left me with all mental load, most of the cooking and cleaning, all shopping, all days out all school activities etc. Even though I felt somewhat exploited I stayed. I did not want to leave and split the family.

After a long period of retreating and doing nothing he went down with dementia. I am now his full time carer. It is really hard.

On this anonymous forum I can tell you I wish I had left many years ago.

Do you want him to change or have you checked out now OP?

I was going to respond but there is such a lack of comprehension in your post I really can’t be bothered.

Oh yuk! How can you fancy that? Does he have no self-respect?

He's nearly 5 st over the top end of his BMI 'Normal' range.

There is no responsibility to stay in a family life that is unhealthy and toxic.

How is she supposed to improve his gorging and refusing to do anything his family enjoys? He's massively selfish and OP is just now waking up to how incompatible they are and how restricted her kids lives are because of him.

He ate a big pizza and two cheeseburgers at one meal. That:s disordered eating and he's modeling that for his kids and OP has accepted it.

If he is so overweight I wonder sleep apnea

From your description op he has no interest in you or the kids. Its all about him.

Even holiday is about him just sitting and getting drunk every night

Are you the hubby?!

I haven't read all the thread, but I have read all your posts OP, and he sounds insufferable! He doesn't appear to be making any effort at all, and is content to just slob around all day stuffing his face!

I'm sorry to say it, but this does not sound like a recipe for a long, happy marriage. You say you love him, but you don't sound very happy. What is your physical relationship like? Are you still intimate together? Does he help round the house and with the children? Do you feel like you are actually getting anything out of this marriage?

I think it's time to sit down with him and have a frank discussion about your concerns and give him an ultimatum; either he bucks his ideas up and starts participating more in family life (without complaining!) or you will walk. If he realises your marriage is at risk, it may give him the kick he needs to change his ways.

What did you guys do as a couple pre children?

OP he sounds absolutely dreadful. He's no husband (so selfish!) and no father to your poor children. Please read the advice on this thread and take it seriously. It will likely only get worse.

I can’t decide what I find more repugnant. Him having his wife carry all the bags because he doesn’t like carrying things, or that his peak good time is the same holiday park year after year because he enjoys the excuse to drink beer uninterrupted for 6 years every night naff entertainment.

OP, you sound like a great mother, a considerate daughter and as though you have a healthy outlook on life. Please make sure you are living the life you deserve - you only get the one.

It sounds like you need to find others to enjoy active pursuits with. When you have that it sounds like your marriage works fine so it’s not necessarily doomed.

I am so sorry you have to put up with this, OP. And him saying you're to blame for not "stopping" him eating crap - he's 40 FFS!!!

So sorry OP, I feel sad that you’ve been putting up with this utter manchild. I felt so low reading about your holiday. Please go it alone with your kids - you really already are.

If you're so unhappy you've nothing to lose by giving him an ultimatum. Either he changes his 'lifestyle' or you split. And tell him you mean business. He has to engage with his children and yourself in a meaningful way from now on or he's history.

I think you need a very serious chat with him, pretty much along the lines of shape up or ship out as you are not going to spend your life like this. His choice. You will do what you can to help him by choosing things he may like, that are of shorter duration to start with and also when cooking healthily cook things he will like (like pizza!) but essentially he needs to start to change or that's it. And he bloody well carries stuff too when you are out and if it makes him hot he can carry a personal fan too!

I do hear what you are saying. Of course, if he can make sustained changes, that would be fantastic for OP, the children, and the husband.

However, at almost 40 years old, this is a fully fledged grown-ass man who just wants to sit on the sofa, eat junk, play computer games, and will do a bit of performative parenting - lip service, but there's no real inclination behind it to actually be fully invested in family life, or fully invested in his own wellbeing, a bit like a teenage boy. In other words, if he wanted to be an invested and present parent and husband, then quite simply, he would be. As they say "if he wanted to, he would".

I don't believe you can make someone "want" to be involved in family life, or "want" to look after their own health - even the prediabetes diagnosis wasn't enough for him to make permanent changes to help secure a more stable future for himself, healthwise. People either want these things and act accordingly... or not.

It's also incredibly selfish not to look after yourself then risk having your partner look after you because of your own selfish behaviour.

Caring for someone who has an accident or illness through no fault of their own is a totally different thing, isn't it? But someone like OP's husband hasn't even given it a second thought that his wife is potentially going to have to be wiping his arse further down the line because of his terrible lifestyle choices... it doesn't get much more selfish than that.

Divorce isn’t great for kids either, however much women on Min want to ignore that fact. They have a responsibility to try to improve their family life before giving up on it especially as the OP has said they have had over 10 happy years of marriage so far

She's going to be his caregiver before too long. He gorges, he's got disordered eating and that's not a great thing for kids to grow up around. And he doesn't make up for that on other ways with his kids or his wife.

That's not spite, that's a clear look at what the future has in store.

This was my marriage. My husband did start losing weight through diet, but then, because he was batch cooking (for just himself) he'd never eat with us. I felt like a single parent. The last year seemed to be better, but even on our holiday he didn't want to do anything. He was happy sitting around the accommodation all day. Last winter, he left me. He said we weren't really compatible. I was heartbroken, because I really did love him, but he wasn't wrong. He's 10 years older than me and I think as the kids grow up our lives would have either had to have become more separate or I'd be full of resentment. We're in the process of the divorce and now I'm glad about that. I'm not suggesting that you should, but it didn't take me as long as I thought it would to be over the initial devastation. One less person to have to compromise for.

This.