AIBU to feel unsafe about a five-hour drive after his early shifts?

I had to do a similar drive recently and it did feel like a lot in a day. I finished work early to make it more achievable. I don’t know if that is an option for him? Or if he does struggle you could take over driving. Just because you haven’t driven on a motorway doesn’t mean you can’t. Everyone does it for the first time at some point and it is easier than driving on other roads.

I don’t know why you’ve had some shitty replies here OP.
Whether other people would be comfortable with the drive is irrelevant, you’re not comfortable with it. End of. We’re all different.
I’d hazard a guess that this isn’t just about the journey today though. I feel it’s the tip of the iceberg

So my husband wouldn’t do it often. But I can’t drive on the opposite side of the road, so when we were in America a few years ago for his work he did a full day (up at 6am etc) and then we drove from Portland to Vancouver straight after work. He was fine, we chatted and listened to the radio! Usually we’d share the drive.

What is the event and what time do you need to be there?

If today is Wednesday and you need to be there for all day Thursday - then I’d either leave straight after work today and get a good nights sleep once I’m there.

Or leave at like 3am - but only if I was staying Wednesday night.

It sounds as though you aren’t staying Wednesday night and so driving 10 hours in 1 day is a lot more dangerous than his proposed way.

Ultimately, the safest thing is for you to share the driving.
If you’re not willing to do this then you’re obviously not that concerned about your safety.

But OP is refusing to drive herself or even share the driving, so what’s the alternative.

She is proposing that he goes home, sleeps and then leaves in the middle of the night but that would be way more dangerous for me as I’d be more tired.

The only safe alternative is that OP does half the driving.

It's not something you would want to do frequently it's something you could do if you have to. Or at least most drivers who are used to driving long distances could do, making sure they take care not to get drowsy. My DH and I could both do it if necessary, and both of us have done similar, but we both had jobs that required huge amounts of driving.

That does seem a long stretch if you are not leaving until 6pm. Why is that?

If he gets up at 4am, assuming he starts work around 5am so finishes around 3pm.

Can he have a nap when he gets home and then set off? Are there parts that don't involve motorway where you could take over and he has a rest? My husband doesn't like driving in busy places (though he's great on a single track country road as that's what he's used to). I do most of the driving but I'm grateful for him doing a short stretch so I can have a snack and a bit of time out.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I think you are getting poor responses because you've written your posts in such a passive way.

Is this a reflection or your marriage? Do you get a say? I wouldn't want to go in the middle of the night but a rest and avoiding rush hour seems sensible. Otherwise I'd go pretty much immediately on finishing work and then break it up with tea somewhere. Or set off at 4am the following day.

If you can't discuss these options reasonably with him then that is a sign of greater problems in your marriage but it's hard to get a sense of this from one post.

If he's up early, is there a reason you cant leave shortly after he's finished work? Even if it involves half a day leave for you.

Or he could sleep between finishing work and you leaving at 6?

Personally, I dont fancy driving 6pm - 11pm, whatever time id woken up. But then im usually in bed by 10!!!

It depends on a lot. How tiring is your husbands job for example?

I wouldn't drive in those circumstances.

If he was to cause an accident he would need a pretty solid defense to not be charged with dangerous driving.

It’s do able, I have done similar.

it wasn’t fun exactly but I had coffee and chocolate in the car.

if his driving scares you that’s a different question.

if his driving is so terrifying OP should drive herself or book public transport. There are options

going in about how scared she is and how scared he makes her feel would probably drive him up the wall

Drive cross-country and share the driving then.

It drives me potty when my DH (who is D, generally!) is happy enough for me to be designated driver so he can have a drink but then criticises my driving/ back seat drives when I am doing it. Last time he did it, I asked if he would like to be quiet or if I was to pull over so he could get out and walk. He chose to be quiet..!

Either drive yourself or stop complaining.

There's an episode of Crash Detectives where a man feels asleep in the car after a big lunch and driving at the time he'd usually nap. These responses are shocking and dangerous.

I wouldn't be getting in a car with someone that's been up since 4am, worked and then doing a five hour drive in the evening.

Surely it depends on the event, the reason he’s driving and the alternatives?

You’re implying this is something you have to do and so what the alternatives to him driving?

Can you get the train instead?

If you’re so afraid then you can drive yourself.

I think it’s incredibly selfish to refuse to drive on the motorway after your DH has just finished a long shift.

To suggest you’re scared of his driving when you refuse to drive yourself is actually so insulting.

I would think it normal and manageable.
But this could be a good time for you to start sharing the driving and let this be your first time on the motorway. It must be very wearing for your DH to be so put upon for no reason!

Are there any parts of the driving you can do? Last part once off the motorway?

Personally would have suggested a hotel 2-3 hours away and the remaining 2 hours in the morning but I find driving more tiring than many. If your DH is happy I wouldn't worry too much.

But this was his plan ....my plan was to drive up half way through the night so he could sleep first ...

I can absolutely see why he didn't go for your plan, and it doesn't sound at all safer. I wouldn't love driving five hours after a long shift, but could do it. I absolutely would not want to do a long shift, get some but not a night's sleep and then drive in the middle of the night.

The "cool wives" have said THEY could do the drive, sensibly. Not just their husbands..

@Silverseahorse my marriage would be over too if my partner refused to share driving on such a long drives after I had been at work all day, then expect me to drive back on my day off and instead claimed my driving scared them. They would find I would refuse to drive them. You drive, get yourself to your destination.

I have a female relative who drives 6 hours after a full week and day of work, every 8 Fridays. She has a break half way and is a perfectly safe driver. She does have 2 nights before the return 6 hour journey though, you are making your husband drive back the next day.

Ive driven back after a night flight when we check out at 10am catch the flight in the afternoon, landed around midnight then delays all the way home. I also had a stinking cold that turned out to be covid. Got home about 5am ! yes i was tired but stopped for a coffee when nessesary and it was fine. What you are proposing doesn't seem too bad especially if he is used to getting up that time, and can have an early night the day before.

Is there some back story to why you dont feel safe? does he have from for nodding off diving? or driving unsafely?

I can’t believe the responses you’ve had.

A lot depends on your husband’s age and general health.
Is his driving style erratic at the best of times.

People who are bullying you and shaming you for not motorway driving can fuck off.

My advice. Have a conversation before you set out. Is there opportunity for DH to have a sleep before you set off? Agree planned breaks. Get out the car, walk about, have a coffee. Even have a half hour nap if needed.

Is this trip really essential? Is it too late to get a train instead?

I’ve felt like the OP and have been near to tears with my husband’s driving. And I used to have a license, I know how to drive a car. Just not allowed as I am now an epileptic. My husband drives but is a ticking time bomb. He has an aortic aneurysm that is being monitored for surgery. And his driving style is driving too close and then braking hard, it’s awful. Thankfully he now gives in to himself and has naps at service stations on long drives . We also use trains more.

I agree with this. Obviously too late to solve the problem for tonight! But it's completely unfair on your partner for you to just rule out motorway driving so that he has to do it all.

You can stay in the slow lane virtually all the time to reduce lane changing. It's actually easier and safer than most A roads.

Get three x one hour lessons on joining and keaving motorways. The rest is straight line driving. Why do you limit yourself?
Why are you scared?

Just because you’ve never driven on a motorway doesn’t mean you can’t. Everyone driving on them has had to drive on one for a first time! Think how proud you’d be of yourself, how freeing it would be. All too often we allow fear to trap us, but you don’t have to.

I mean, I could do it with no problem. Almost everyone I know could do it (couple reasonable exceptions)

Would everyone I know WANT to do it? Probably not. But not like there is another way around it if you won't drive half way.

The fact your more concerned about your own feeling scared rather than him actually being incapable or too tired to do so is a bit sad if I'm honest.

If you can drive around town you can drive in a straight line for a couple hours...