AIBU to not want our one holiday with his friends?

I don’t think you are unreasonable for not doing the holiday. Going away with near strangers sounds awful.

However I think you need to find alternatives so you can get to know them.

However I think far apart do you live? Is there somewhere halfway you could meet for days out or an Airbnb weekend? Out of school holidays it wouldn’t be too bad if you did a Friday and Saturday night break or even a cheap Sun holidays break if they do those. I think you need to be willing to get to know these people if they are so close and it sounds like they are going to be in your life for the foreseeable future

I just don’t necessarily think it extends to using up the holiday budget so you don’t get a family break.

I suspect this is his thinking. His DC may have complained about spending time with younger kids.

Well if they have already been to stay with you and you didn't make much effort to get to know them suggesting a weekend away so you can get to know them would make me wonder if it would just be more of the same. Getting to know people takes effort on both sides. One of the advantages of a villa type holiday is being able to let the little ones stay up later because they have somewhere they can rest in the day time if they get overtired and you can still enjoy relaxed time with the others around the pool whilst the little one naps.

I would keep expensive holiday to your family only and suggests he goes camping or something else cheap with his kids (including baby) and his friends and you stay behind with your big kids and do something fun with them

You need to talk to your partner, tell him.how you feel and figure out a compromise. Could you go but stay in your own accommodations and agree to have a certain number of days doing your own thing? Share your concerns about the baby and being left on your own and agree those boundaries too. And maybe agree to spend some more time with them all together before you commit either way? Or cross over holidays - we did this with friends where they had 4 days, we joined them for the last 3 days then they left and we had 4 days on our own after they left.

Just say no.

I think this would indeed be lovely for his teenage kids and if I were him I’d definitely want to give them this holiday. He probably only have a couple of more years of holidaying with his kids whereas you have a decade or more. I totally understand if you didn’t want to come though, it would be like you are on a separate holiday with your young kids. It’s perfectly fine to do things differently when you are a blended family and him going away with his kids and then you going away with yours could be really nice for the kids. Quality time with their parents. The baby won’t care if they come or stay at home.

Sit him down to binge watch Two Weeks in August.

I’d probably try and make more effort to get to know them, suggest meeting up soon for a weekend. Say you’ll consider the holiday but want to put it on the back burner until you know them.

And when he says he’ll “help” with his own child if you agree to go, tell him that it’s ok, even if you don’t go with him he can take the baby.

I agree with this. In fact, I'd be aiming for a tone/attitude of ''What a lovely idea, we can do a long weekend sometime after our family holiday. You obviously didn't mean going on our family holiday with them, that would be ridiculous when I barely know them. A long weekend would be nice as I can get to know them better, with the aim of having longer holidays together in the future.'

Or, as you've said, tell him you know he and his older children would love it, so they can go and you and the younger children can go to an AI resort where all meals etc are taken care of so that you can relax too.

Don't let it sound like everyone going on holiday with his friends is even an option.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable about not wanting to go on this trip. But you should be able to talk about this with your DP without worrying about how he will respond. Just because he wants to go and doesn’t see any problems that can’t be overcome doesn’t mean he can’t try and get where you’re coming from. It sounds like you’re tip toing around rather than feeling safe enough to be frank and just say this is how you’re feeling and why. Your DP needs to really listen to what you’re saying and allow you to have your own needs. I think this is what true intimacy is about, you can say things and not be judged and can find a way to work things out together, understanding that you have different perspectives for a whole range of reasons and that’s ok.

mainly sat in the separate living room so admittedly no I didn’t really go in to talk

Yeah. that's weird. You made zero extra effort with his friends who he has explained are very important to him. No wonder he thinks you're rude.

Tbf it does sound like she was pretty rude when he had friends over. He could have done more with the kids so she could socialise with the friends but it sounds like she wouldn't have liked that

It’s not the job of your teenage step-son to keep your primary aged child entertained on holiday.

That said, I am assuming they will all be spending the time hanging out at the pool anywhere, where everyone will join in together

"he would view it as disrespectful"

"a similar conversation where he thought I was rude"

"He said then that was disrespectful!"

He's quite opinionated on the matter of you being 'rude' and 'disrespectful' isn't he? Something about the way you've mentioned this a few times in just a few posts feels uncomfortable to me.

You’re not selfish at all - you matter too & it’s your 1 holiday a year! Just tell him no, you don’t want to go as you want the holiday solely to be with your blended family alone. If he gets angry or annoyed, then tell him to go with them but you & your DCs won’t be going & see how he is then. If he picks holidaying with his friend over you, then that’s his choice (but doesn’t bode well for the future really).

If I was the other family with essentially self-sufficient DC I wouldn't want a holiday with young DC (including a baby) that need watching 24/7 because of the pool. Are you sure they're as keen and it's not just the two husbands planning this jolly?

I certainly don’t think you are being unreasonable. I think the idea of suggesting a weekend only compromise is a good one.
Personally in your situation I would point out the older teenagers who are good friends will hang out and it will mean your son is (understandably) left out, as has happened before. Therefore whilst I can see this is a great idea for him and his children, it isn’t for you and yours. Therefore, my proposal would be that I go somewhere else with my children at the same time. Somewhere focussed for their age group. I would take the baby but honestly I’d before I do I’d use the baby to point out his hypocrisy. I’d ask if he wants to take the baby too, as baby won’t care which holiday they go on and they are 3 adults and 5 children rather than 1 to 3. When he inevitably says no, I’d ask why. Whatever answer he gives will be very insightful for helping me justify why he is being unreasonable. Eg we won’t be able to do the same activities the older ones enjoy with a baby (ah so you were assuming I would be childcare and not participate if we come). I don’t want to get up early after drinking (why would that make a difference unless you were assuming that would be my problem) etc etc.

I would explain how difficult it is for your DC when his friend’s DC are around because they get left out and a whole week of that on holiday wouldn’t be pleasant for them. If he still really wants to go with friends, perhaps he can do that with his DC and you take yours on a separate holiday?

What are the ages of the kids?

I’ve done some group holidays with friends but all the kids were within a range of ages (next summer there are 3 families but the kids are all 11-14 and good friends). It’s still a bit tricky to navigate at times and we’ve been family friends with these people for almost 20 years. I don’t think friend holidays work well if the kids aren’t near enough in age to hang out together.

I think the most logical thing is for him to take his children and you to stay home - particularly as that’s what you want to do anyway. I think some people would love this setup but you get a vote too. Just maybe only talk about the positives of staying home with your partner as the way you are posting here would make me feel terribly guilty.

Could you look for a cheap caravan holiday for your children? Over one of the half terms maybe? If you drive it can be really affordable and you can go swimming etc.

Call his bluff and say you’re willing to do it after you’ve had a family holiday alone first.

I agree, you are not being selfish. You matter and it’s your one holiday. A holiday needs to suit the whole family really, though that isn’t easy.

I think your partner is being selfish really as he must know this idea suits him and his family much more than you and yours.

No. It’s not. You matter too.

If you say “look, I really do understand that this is your ideal holiday. You enjoy and feel relaxed with and have fun with your friends. Your kids and theirs are really close and will enjoy it. For me and my child, we don’t have that same relationship and it will be going on holiday with people we don’t know very well. One day I hope we will feel close enough with them to holiday together, and a weekend away would be fine, but for the main family holiday, I would really like it to be just us. You have already all been talking about it and getting excited, so I don’t want you all to miss out. This year I’ll take my child to X instead.”

what would he say?