Page 7 | Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

TheNoisyDeer · 2026-07-07T19:33:08+00:00

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about. I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”. There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside. I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left. Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them. AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

Cosyblankets · 09/07/2026 10:52

Onmytod24 · 09/07/2026 10:16

So they’re not doing the activity that you teach they’re sitting around talking about who they fancy. In front of you that doesn’t ring true for me

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Have you worked with this age group?

court18 · 09/07/2026 10:52

Absolutely agree.

instead OP has made the mistake of endorsing abusive behaviour as a response. I guess we are so used to seeing aggression and violence from activists these days that it seems mild in comparison, but it’s not, especially when you consider she’s 8.

Opportunity to educate and reframe the debate completely missed.

Cosyblankets · 09/07/2026 10:49

So he didn't apologise?
Have I got that right?
What were the consequences?

KateSixer · 09/07/2026 10:48

Well except that the boy may or may not be gay and some of us think it's far too early to be bandying about the labels of sexual politics with respect to a 13 year old.

See the excellent posts of @JemimaTiggywinkles and @Lins77 above. I think the OP is at least partially responsible for this situation and her reaction snacks to me of an over sensitivity to be seen to be doing the "right thing".

YoshiIsCute · 09/07/2026 10:41

ohdear2 · 09/07/2026 10:33

I would be giving your son the language so he knows what to say in certain circumstances rather then F off. Such as "Being gay is not weird, its weird you would say it is. X% of the population is gay and famous people such as X and X are gay. Yes I am a gay boy and proud of it! Do you have any questions about what its like to be gay?" I understand he is going through a lot but at 13 he would be a lot physically bigger than an 8 year old and it must have been very frightening for her to have him swear at her. I am sorry I would have got down to her level and apologised on his behalf and said he is very upset but I will get him to apologise to you when he is calmer. And then also use that opportunity to explain he is upset because people call him weird because he is gay but X% of the population are gay etc and its very normal. You could have said all that to her infront of her parents it would have been a good opportunity to educate them all.

Edited

This is brilliant and empowering language for him to learn and probably the best post on the thread

Lins77 · 09/07/2026 10:40

The whole situation is unfortunate, but I think labelling an 8 year old as homophobic is a bit over the top.

When I was about that age (the '70s) I remember repeating a racist comment a neighbour had said - not really understanding it. Luckily, my mother explained to me very firmly that this was not on, and why.

As others have said, it's a teachable moment. And it doesn't mean either she or her parents should be labelled as bigots.

anterenea · 09/07/2026 10:34

He is 13, she is 8 - I would be fuming and marching him myself to the little girl's door to apologize

ohdear2 · 09/07/2026 10:33

I would be giving your son the language so he knows what to say in certain circumstances rather then F off. Such as "Being gay is not weird, its weird you would say it is. X% of the population is gay and famous people such as X and X are gay. Yes I am a gay boy and proud of it! Do you have any questions about what its like to be gay?" I understand he is going through a lot but at 13 he would be a lot physically bigger than an 8 year old and it must have been very frightening for her to have him swear at her. I am sorry I would have got down to her level and apologised on his behalf and said he is very upset but I will get him to apologise to you when he is calmer. And then also use that opportunity to explain he is upset because people call him weird because he is gay but X% of the population are gay etc and its very normal. You could have said all that to her infront of her parents it would have been a good opportunity to educate them all.

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 10:26

DjokovicsTowel · 09/07/2026 10:17

So we should just accept homophobic (and racist, abelist etc) bullying because it's just the way the world is?

This is such a vile attitude

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Nope.
It's about accepting that bullying will always be something children do to other children.

I feel that you should accept this because it's reality.

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 10:21

DjokovicsTowel · 09/07/2026 10:14

There was a vague homophobic thread through your posts anyway

But your comment about "screwing your life up" because you "had lesbian attached to you" is blatant and absolutely horseshit

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You've misread it.
I said the, 'label of being a lesbian attached to me.
If you read it correctly, you'd see the point I was making had nothing to do with homophobia at all.
Rather that boys I like would, out of respect, not ask me out because of it.

So I suggest you take more time to read than accusing others homophobia.

DjokovicsTowel · 09/07/2026 10:17

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 09:15

It's not so much that girls can discuss crushes and boys can't discuss crushes about other boys, it's that kids will pick on other kids who are different to them.
It could be being gay, it could be that they are too short.

You can rail against this as much as you like, but it's just how children are.

I advise that you develop a more realistic attitude to this.

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So we should just accept homophobic (and racist, abelist etc) bullying because it's just the way the world is?

This is such a vile attitude

Onmytod24 · 09/07/2026 10:16

DjokovicsTowel · 08/07/2026 22:05

I run an activity group where 11 and 13 year olds are in the same group. They talk to each other about all sorts. Including who they fancy

It's not unusual

So they’re not doing the activity that you teach they’re sitting around talking about who they fancy. In front of you that doesn’t ring true for me

DjokovicsTowel · 09/07/2026 10:14

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 07:59

A responsible parent would, in my opinion, given the knowledge that children will pick on others who are different- whether that's right or wrong a responsible parent would factor that in and just accept that's how life is
AND the knowledge that puberty matters as regards sexual orientation, gently advise a ten-year-old against coming out.

Wait a while, see how you feel past puberty and so on. That's my view of what a good parent would do.

There's no need for a ten-year-old to come out, anyway.
Presuming the age of consent is 16, what's the point?

I remember having a crush on another girl at nine. It wasn't sexuaI at all as I had absolutely no interest in such things as I was only 9.
I'm sure that this is common.

If somebody had labelled me a lesbian because of it, it would have screwed my life up because now I had the label of being a lesbian attached to me.
When in fact I like boys in the adult way. And obviously no boy would go near me even if he liked me as he'd assume I wasn't interested.

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There was a vague homophobic thread through your posts anyway

But your comment about "screwing your life up" because you "had lesbian attached to you" is blatant and absolutely horseshit

DjokovicsTowel · 09/07/2026 10:09

localnotail · 09/07/2026 06:57

There is a difference of being taunted and being literally beaten up and being spat at. I doubt you would call the police on the 8 year old saying stupid shit to you, but you absolutely would on the 14 year old physically hurting you.

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Both can leave lasting scars
You're being very dismissive of emotional abuse and bullying

DjokovicsTowel · 09/07/2026 10:04

localnotail · 09/07/2026 06:55

I would think he probably did would not react for fear of retaliation and lashed out at an 8 year old as she would not be able to hurt him.

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Teenage boys fight all the time. Stop acting like they don't

DjokovicsTowel · 09/07/2026 10:03

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 06:44

Golly. Yes. You are right. I must admit I'm no younger a young thing at 50-something so it's been quite a while since I raised an 8-year-old.

There's nothing else for it:
this child should be Immediately and without further haste be taken from its parents and sent to a Summer education camp so it can spend 8 hours a day being taught on all matters of proper conduct.

I know that it will probably object strongly to this and cry-as it just wants to play hopscotch, play with its dolls, eat sweets and be with its parents and friends for the Summer hols- but this is what must happen!!

Some other - lesser- people might think that a child of that age cannot reasonably be expected to understand the complexities of social interactions and human sexuality but what the heck do they know?
Plebs. And they probably give their children fruit shoots.

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Children aged 8 are fully capable of understanding that words hurt and aren't acceptable

You sound ridiculous

TheJuryIsOut · 09/07/2026 09:45

Blendeddaughter · 08/07/2026 23:39

No he was 13 and he was accompanied by a 12 year old. The kids had both been accused of homophobic bullying before it started at primary school. They demonstrated a pattern of uncorrected homophobic abuse from a young age.

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Therefore the situation is completely different. The age of criminal responsibility is 10, there is a reason for that and it's because children under that age often don't understand the consequences to their actions. That's not to say that the 8 year old shouldn't be educated and talked to about what she said (I don't think anyone is saying it should just be ignored) but the 13yo is rightly held to higher standards and what he said was completely unacceptable and overshadowed what she said.

Lins77 · 09/07/2026 09:42

JemimaTiggywinkles · 08/07/2026 00:21

Half my form at (all girls) school were lesbians at 14. Including me. Many were wrong. Including me. Kids labelling their sexuality too young is a concern. We wouldn’t assume a kid who thinks they’re straight at 12 is actually straight because many realised (or admitted) we were gay/bi later. Same is true of kids who declare a gay/bi sexuality at 12.

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I do agree with this.

Some people absolutely do know they're gay at an early age, but young teenagers are also well known to seek identity and try on different ones, and are easily influenced by what they see around them. So I'd be wary about making it into a big announcement and your whole identity as such a young age. It's easier to come out of the closet than it is to go back in.

That said, and despite the current obsession with identity, I think young people nowadays are perhaps more open to things being more fluid. Which is a positive thing.

Chucklecheeks01 · 09/07/2026 09:30

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 07/07/2026 21:00

No, he comes off much worse here. Is he always talking about crushes and boys?

I’d imagine this anger and attitude is why he struggles with friends too, not his sexuality.

Edited

Can you explain your comment please? Are you suggesting talking about his crushes with his peers is the issue.

Statsquestion1 · 09/07/2026 09:17

Her53ff43 · 09/07/2026 08:44

So girls can discuss crushes but not gay children. They all do at that age and towards the end of primary.

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My kids never discuss crushes at family things like that…perhaps in private at a sleepover etc but I never heard them or their friends “discuss” crushes…I’ve heard them taunt each and laugh etc…but no sitting and discussing crushes at 8-13 is not normal imo…

KateSixer · 09/07/2026 09:16

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 09:03

I am not dictating anything.

I am merely pointing out my belief that a pre- pubescent child has no clue what its sexual orientation is until it has passed through puberty.

Thus a good parent would privately give support and validation whilst advising that 'coming out' would not be advisable until puberty has passed as then they could be sure as regards what their sexual orientation is.
So coming out at 15, fine.
Ten? Not fine. At all.

If they do not do this then not only are they encouraging bullying of that child (on account that children pick on anyone who is different and as a grown adult they should realise that and not expect the world to change) but are also pigeonholing that child's sexual orientation at too early an age.

This is not a controversial view at all.

Supporting one's children is about being a wise but kind guide, not accepting everything they say as fact.
That, in my opinion, is poor parenting.

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I would agree with this. In fact I'd say wait not just until they have gone through puberty but to wait until they have had personal experiences after puberty. After all there are plenty of people who don't get around to deciding their sexuality until middle age. It's a spectrum remember.

It's very topical right now with proposed legislation to ban "gay conversion" but there is an equal if not greater possibility that well meaning but misguided parents desparately trying to be "modern" damage their children by being too encouraging of coming out as gay at an early age. This is one area of life parents can't assist with (other than passive support).

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 09:15

Her53ff43 · 09/07/2026 08:44

So girls can discuss crushes but not gay children. They all do at that age and towards the end of primary.

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It's not so much that girls can discuss crushes and boys can't discuss crushes about other boys, it's that kids will pick on other kids who are different to them.
It could be being gay, it could be that they are too short.

You can rail against this as much as you like, but it's just how children are.

I advise that you develop a more realistic attitude to this.

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 09:08

Her53ff43 · 09/07/2026 08:49

When your child is sobbing because they know they’re gay and will never have children and are already being picked on and think they are an awful human for being gay having told nobody else you support, validate, reassure being gay being perfectly ok and nothing to feel bad about. You absolutely don’t have a hands off approach.

As the adult in the room a person has a duty to think about the situation more objectively, though, and realise the pitfalls of coming out at such an early age whilst offering unconditional support to the child in private.

The pitfalls being : bullying from other children and pigeonholing a child's sexual orientation at too young an age.

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 09:03

Her53ff43 · 09/07/2026 08:43

😂at you dictating when a child that is gay can come out. My child came out to me when he was ready. And as for poor parenting as regards parents listening, validating feelings and supporting their child. Words fail me

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I am not dictating anything.

I am merely pointing out my belief that a pre- pubescent child has no clue what its sexual orientation is until it has passed through puberty.

Thus a good parent would privately give support and validation whilst advising that 'coming out' would not be advisable until puberty has passed as then they could be sure as regards what their sexual orientation is.
So coming out at 15, fine.
Ten? Not fine. At all.

If they do not do this then not only are they encouraging bullying of that child (on account that children pick on anyone who is different and as a grown adult they should realise that and not expect the world to change) but are also pigeonholing that child's sexual orientation at too early an age.

This is not a controversial view at all.

Supporting one's children is about being a wise but kind guide, not accepting everything they say as fact.
That, in my opinion, is poor parenting.

Her53ff43 · 09/07/2026 08:50

QuintadosMalvados · 09/07/2026 07:59

A responsible parent would, in my opinion, given the knowledge that children will pick on others who are different- whether that's right or wrong a responsible parent would factor that in and just accept that's how life is
AND the knowledge that puberty matters as regards sexual orientation, gently advise a ten-year-old against coming out.

Wait a while, see how you feel past puberty and so on. That's my view of what a good parent would do.

There's no need for a ten-year-old to come out, anyway.
Presuming the age of consent is 16, what's the point?

I remember having a crush on another girl at nine. It wasn't sexuaI at all as I had absolutely no interest in such things as I was only 9.
I'm sure that this is common.

If somebody had labelled me a lesbian because of it, it would have screwed my life up because now I had the label of being a lesbian attached to me.
When in fact I like boys in the adult way. And obviously no boy would go near me even if he liked me as he'd assume I wasn't interested.

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No you absolutely do not tell children being bullied that that is just how life is.