Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

@PrincessofWills
How so
The OP quotes exactly what he said and the circumstances leading up to it
Talking about boys, little girl overhears and makes fun/says something not appropriate
He's embarrassed so he starts calling her names and telling her to fuck off
You'd be happy with that if it was one of yours? Really?

She’s year 3 they are just starting the journey on knowing what life is about. Your son shouldn’t have spoken to her like that it was probably quite new for her. We live in a love who you want house hold and my 8 year old has come out with things like “that’s gay” and we have had conversations that some times men love women and sometimes men love men. But it’s a brand new concept to him. Not sheltered life but lack of life experience.

Your son is a boy that is gay. She shouldn't be teasing him or mocking him about it. He can't change who he is. He shouldn't be swearing at her or calling her nanes. He needs to practice appropriate come backs. He also needs to think anout if he would have behaved the same with someone bigger and older because I didn't think he would have. They are all kids. They are all learning. They all fell short on this occasion. Although, I do wonder if the parents are homophonic because my kids wouldn't be calling anyone a gay boy. May mine are a bit sheltered, but they wouldn't know what that was.

Look I can’t stand homophobia, but although what she said was unkind and she should have been pulled up on it, I doubt at 8 years old she is actually homophobic. She had likely heard the term somewhere and she’s also probably not at all used to hearing a boy discuss their crushes on other boys. So it probably sounds ‘weird’ to her. And we all know you g kids say stupid stuff sometimes. A calmer response from your son would have likely triggered a teachable moment for her. But his verbally aggressive reaction to a child significantly younger than him took the spotlight off the 8 year old and fixed it firmly on him. I’d expect a child his age to have more self control in a situation like this.

Where’s the prejudice in @GregoryFluff ’s post?

not bowing down, she needs to apologise first, she was worse etc etc.

this level of indignation and anger isn't healthy

Both children were wrong and should both apologise. Your DS is older and should not have used the words he did, he could have said shut up stupid or something similar.

He refused to, though, didn’t he? Massive overreaction from your son, but you were already leading with pre-emptive excuses for your DS - he feels on the defensive due to past experience etc.

Being gay isn’t a pass for anything - the issue is his behaviour, not his sexuality. The fact he’s struggled to make friends for years also suggests issues. Being gay alone does not usually cause issues. Constantly talking about crushes is also odd. Especially with an 11yo.

No, he shouldn't have called the 8 year old a bitch.
However, being 13 is a really difficult age for most dc especially one that feels different already and I sympathise with him in that regard.
I think he should apologise for his language but the 8 year old needs educating.

Ffs put your prejudices away - please . . .

8 yr old likely parroting a phrase, she doesn’t know what homophobia is, whereas a 13 yr old gay male to go straight to stupid bitch is vile. You should be ashamed that your son speaks to anyone like that never mind a young child.

Being gay does not give you a free pass to insult a young child. An 8 year old saying he's a gay boy shouldn't provoke him to that point. And why is he talking about crushes all the time? My two teen boys have plenty of other things to to talk about- I hear them talking to friends all the time and they never talk about having crushes.

She's 8 for goodness sake. Your sons behaviour was absolutely unacceptable.

He's 13 and telling an 8 year old girl to fuck off and calling her a stupid bitch. He's completely out of order and should be ashamed of himself.

There is no homophobia from the 8 year old just someone who needs to have a conversation about the difference between gay boy and a boy who is gay.

your sons reaction was inappropriate and you should get on top of that before he picks on someone who is capable of picking back.

he should care how old she is as it makes a massive difference to the whole situation.

I would find an 11 year old and a 13 year old discussing “crushes” an inappropriate conversation.

Calling someone a gay boy. Also vile.

Telling a child to eff off. Disgusting.

No one is coming out of this well.

It is very possible that the 8 year old thought she was just being descriptive rather than trying to be insulting.

For you son to go straight to calling her a stupid bitch and telling her to fuck off, it completly different.

Neither misogyny or homophobia are ok, but the 8 year old wouldn’t know the full impact of what she is saying but your son did!

Your son comes off really badly here. Don't you think it is bad that he starts talking about who he has a crush on in front of an 8 year old?

Plus you seem to think him being gay overrides everything.

I'd have hoped DS would have handled that situation better, it's not on to swear at and call an 8 year old child a bitch when you are a teen.
I understand the context of background bullying he faces and her comment was completely unacceptable. But he should have told her that and then come to talk to you and her parents. Maybe he would have done if he was a year or so older or more mature, or if his peers had been more accepting of him.

The 8 year old girl, I can understand her being upset and her parents being upset about a much older boy swearing at her. A 13 year old boy probably does seem much older and closer to a grown up compared to her than he actually is. Removing her from the situation is a reasonable response. Expecting your DS to apologise for how he reacted is reasonable. She may have needed a bigger explanation of why what she said was so wrong before she could be expected to give a genuine apology to be honest.
If they're good people, then reach out and ask how she's feeling. I think focus for you should be (as I'm sure it is) supporting your son to find his feet with friendships. Outside of school how does he do with comnections from hobbies?

Misogyny and homophobia are intentions, yes there are words associated with intentions, but NOT having those intentions doesn't prevent you saying the words. The 8 year old probably doesn't have homophobic intentions, but doesn't know not to say the word. Your 13 year old either HAS those intentions or knows not to say the word.

The 9 year old a) started the argument and b) was offensive. Yes, he could have handled it better, but she insulted him in his own home. Looking at the parents’ reaction, it’s pretty clear where she got it from.
He was a bit rude, she was an absolutely horrible piece of work. Good riddance

How on earth is it okay for your 13 yo to tell an 8yo to ‘fuck off’?

There is no way this is real

I don’t think an 8 year old is capable of actual homophobia. She very likely didn’t understand the true implications of what she was saying and just repeated something she heard on TV or in the playground. Yes, her parents need to deal with it and tell her in age appropriate terms why it’s not on. But you can not expect the same level of understanding from an 8 year old as a 13 year old, the latter of which I presume has been through (or is going through) puberty. Do you really not see the difference OP? Children say lots of stuff that isn’t PC. You can not compare their CHILD to your TEEN