Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

You need to get a grip.

This.

It was a girl to a teen boy and this is MN. Teen boys are the Devil and can do no right

It's not the fact that she is a girl, but that she is so young. Although even if she was older his language was unacceptable. Being gay doesn't excuse bad manners.

I think they’re all way way way too young to be dealing with their sexuality and then expressing opinions over it. Maybe I’m naive but seriously he shouldn’t be sharing his sexuality really, whatever it is. Why does everyone need to know? Children don’t go round discussing how straight they are so why would he need to share.. I think you give his sexuality a ridiculous amount of importance at far too young an age.

He definitely shouldn’t be swearing at people. I think it would be wise to explain that people are offended by extreme over sharing and whilst grown ups make an effort to remain polite, children don’t understand and it’s best to be polite even in the face of rudeness.
Of course homophobia is completely unacceptable. But she is 8; does she have any concept of sexuality really? I highly doubt it; it’s all just playground speech at that age.
As an adult I couldn’t care less about someone’s sexuality and personal preferences- unless I’m dating them I really don’t need to know! I think your whole stance is OTT.

13 is way older than 8 and your son was the one more out of order here. Her parents were rightly angry. Your son needs to learn some resilience too.

11 and 13 year olds will be in the same groups outside of school, maybe even at school in extracurricular

It's perfectly normal for them to be friends

You're acting like he's 18

I’m sorry to hear your Son is having a tough time, I have a boy the same age and one of his friends is gay.
Their school is a pretty large one where differences are celebrated i.e neurodiversity, sexuality and there are various clubs and groups to support all the children.
It always makes me feel so proud when my son comes home and chats about his friends, their differences and what they’ve been up to.
When I said I was surprised that someone had been brave enough to come out to the world at 12, my child was horrified that I went to a school in a time when this would not have been accepted.
The language your son used is unacceptable to say to anyone, especially an 8 year old. You’ve had a conversation about it and he should apologise to her for verbally lashing out.
Is there any clubs or hobbies he’s interested in that will increase his social circle?
He must feel very lonely and I’m sure that is why he reacted the way he did. It’s difficult to develop a thick skin and be able to brush off comments when you feel up against people’s attitudes everyday.

Correction - I do not believe an 8 year old that said 'gay boy' has the understanding or intention to be homophobic and likely doesn't even realise the gravity of their action
And I believe the vast majority of 13 year olds recognise this too, immaturity or neurodivergance aside
You disagree?

The language he's used is what they all use all the time at school and in their messaging. It is indeed horrible but the girl, however young, was very rude to start with. Again, though, she's very young and probably just repeating taunts and attitudes she's heard, she doesn't really know what she's doing.

I can understand the parents being very shocked at his language, but yes, absolutely, genuine friends and proper adults would have said ok all kids need to say sorry to each other, but the actual attack was the girls on him, and he only reacted. So really the girls needed to be told in no uncertain terms that it was dreadful to say what they had, and that if they insult and humiliate a friend like that, then they are quite likely to get a mouthful, or worse. Important lesson to learn.

Unfortunately your friends haven't done well here, in my opinion. I feel it's actually super mean, because your kid and you have a socially challenging situation to navigate, and they are supposed to be your friends, but instead, they've now ostracised and humiliated him even more. I would be v disappointed by my so-called friends.

Family who didn't call her out and haven't apologised? Ye it came from them...

Few months in possible maturity of the 8yo pales into insignificance of the 5 years of difference in maturity of the very angry 13 yo boy.

His sexuality is a red herring. It’s his behaviour which is the issue.

Your son’s behaviour was unacceptable- a 13 year old should not be behaving in this way. His sexuality should not be a free pass for poor behaviour towards anyone

You know full well that laughing, calling him weird and "gay boy" wasn't just saying he was a boy who was gay...

And discussing crushes isn't sexual. You're the one sexualising a child

It is on the young side but speak to many gay or lesbian people and they'll likely confirm they knew from a young age.

Older boys shouldn’t be discussing their crushes with younger children.

He was far too young to decide he has 'come out' at the age of 10. Both are children and both are trying to deal with adult themes and language. This has led to these problems.

Shocked but not really to see so many mn posters with the “but she made him do it! He only reacted like that because of her! He shouldn’t be held responsible for his actions!!”

Am I living on Mars or is 10 very young to come out?

The part where you excused her homophobia as "denting his pride..."

Lots of people defending the 8 year old. There are some sweet, innocent 8 year olds and then there are some that can be cruel and spiteful. Let's be honest, she wasn't being kind when she called him a gay boy now was she? She could be an older year 3 child, possibly a younger year 4. Those few months in development can make a difference in maturity and knowing right from wrong. Perhaps her parents reaction (not pulling her up on her language) could give us an insight into her behaviour; has she heard it from them? Or is she used to behaving badly and getting away with it?

I'm not a big fan of children swearing, but I think your son's outburst could possibly be excused if he's been taunted one too many times and he's snapped.

Typical MN

Rife with Homophobia and abuse because it's a teenager boy...

Most people don't use "bitch" thinking of misogyny, it's just an insult like "cow", "cock", "arsehole" etc.

What he said was rude and mean but the 8 year old said something he also found highly offensive

Would posters be so forgiving had it been racist language by the 8 year old?

Your son's behaviour is unacceptable, obviously.

That being said, he's going through a rough time, and it sounds like he just flipped because of what's happening at school. I'm gay, and unless you've gone through the struggle of having to come to terms with your sexuality and have to put up with homophobia, you can't possibly know how this feels. Because you come out over and over again, and it sucks dealing with people's responses, and it sucks never knowing if someone will mock you or abuse you. I am an adult and can control my responses, your son is a child going through a hard time. Encourage him to apologise when he's in a calmer frame of mind. The parents should obviously be talking to their daughter as well, in an educational kind of way. She should also apologise. 8 years old is old enough to know you have been unkind.

Also there are some weird lines of chat on this thread- I remember being in school, and from the moment you hit secondary school, crushes were a pretty bog standard topic of conversation between teens!!! Did none of you have crushes? Secondary school is the prime time to start talking about crushes.

And calling a hormonal 13 year old a misogynist because they've lost it in the moment is wild. Be real. We lose it sometimes as adults and say things we don't mean. This is an emotionally vulnerable kid who is angry because people keep being cruel about something he can't change.

Weird is worse than fuck off stupid bitch?