Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

Well I wouldnt have understood the question if asked in that language. But I did know that some boys made me feel squidgy inside in a way no girl ever did. And judging by how much competition there was to be Shane MacAlistair's partner in country dancing I wasn't the only one.

I will always call out homophobia (including stuff on here around the trans community) but you have blind spot around your DS, absolutely out of order to use that language to an 8 year old and I suspect it was your reaction which encouraged them to leave.

How is “stupid bitch” not personal?
ah do you mean all females are stupid bitches so it’s generic?

He didn’t though.

She’s clearly said several times it’s not ok and she told him to apologise. She wanted both kids to apologise (rightly so, they were both insulting and rude) and move on from it. The neighbours refused to accept any wrongdoing from their kid.

This is the type of stuff children need guidance with. The 8 year old maybe didn’t realise how offensive she was being but it’s down to her parents to use that as an opportunity to educate her, not get defensive. How will she learn otherwise?

While the 13 year old was definitely out of order to respond with that language, at least the op recognised it was wrong and told him to apologise.

13 is a perfectly normal age to have a crush on someone. Some 13-year-olds might not be at that stage yet, but quite a few are, and both of those things are fine.

She is only 8... not sure what you are expecting from your neighbours to be honest

His language is shocking and there is no excuse for it. He is definitely old enough to know better. He could have walked away. He could have gone to you or told her that that is not very nice. He could even have tried to explain that it is not weird.

You said: "He has a lower self esteem than when he was younger because of people like my neighbour’s daughter."

To me this is really telling. It sounds like you put the blame on others, rather than yourself/your son. I suggest you start seeing it as your & your son's job to fix his self esteem rather than blaming it on other people.

Agree.

I absolutely wouldnt feel its acceptable for kids as young as 10, 11 to be discussing this stuff. 13 is borderline, but I think we forget how young 13 is actually for crushes and boyfriends girlfriends and chat about that. We're normalising adult themes by involving kids in discussions and language about them in the guise of 'informing them' about the world.

I doubt they’ll be back anyway.

He needed to be told to apologise not asked. His language was disgusting.

My 6yo has no idea what straight or gay is.

There's not a lot of age diff between the DS and your neighbours DD. Swearing is Anglo saxon, it only went underground because the French banned it when they took over. Unless everyword is Anglo Saxon we English speakers need to get a grip!

Your neighbours DD was OOO. She was sexist against your son, he just swore at her.

Your DS needs to understand talking about boys with gurks isn't going to be acceptable fir many years or until he finds a special friend who appreciates him for who he is.

I'm so sorry he's going through this.

I know it's going to sound odd but he may change his mind. I'm not sure he's old enough to really know yet. But what ever the outcome, carry on being a supportive mum. X

WTF. She's 8! Dear lord. He's 5 years old and told her to fuck off and called her a silly bitch. This is fine in your world?

Really? I wouldn't have had a clue if someone asked me.

I wouldn't make him apologise. She was a rude, nasty little brat. If she calls people names and mocks them, she should expect it back and so should her mother. If she doesn't like it, she could consider raising her daughter not to use sexuality as an insult and to have some basic manners.

Stick up for your son. He shouldn't feel bullied in his own bloody home. They wouldn't be people I'd associate with again and I'd be quite open with anyone who asked why.

The 8 year old is still young enough not to know better. She was wrong to say what she did but is most likely repeating words she’s heard rather than being intentionally homophobic.

The aggressive reaction of the 13yo towards a much younger female child is very concerning. This should not be excused as “an understandable reaction to homophobia”. The homophobic comment could have been called out in a calm and controlled way, or he could have asked an adult to intervene.

Does he have internet access? I’d be checking what he’s doing and what he might have been exposed to.

Are you 8?

? I could have told you I was straight age 6.

Those going on about racist slur…. Granted, most on MN would have said they are too young to be racist. Out of context etc etc. yuck, they would say that even if they were adults including of pensionable age. So cut!

so maybe let’s just stick to OP’s facts and her description of events?!

Haven't RTFT, sorry

But... He came out at the age of 10?!?!?!!

I used to live in Brighton and most of my friends are gay. But when did adults start having reality dictated to them by children?

Nobody comes out of this with much credit tbh, however I would be horrified and ashamed if my 13 year old spoke to anyone like that, especially an 8 year old child. Use of the word 'bitch' in particular is absolutely appalling behaviour (and the OP knows it). He is more than old enough to know the consequences and implications of what he was saying. It sounds like there are some wider issues here than just this one episode.

Of course homophobic remarks are vile, no doubt, and must be called out. However, being gay doesn't give him a get out of jail free card to behave however he likes, or for you as a parent to excuse it.

I wouldn't have tolerated any of my teens calling anyone, let alone an 8 year old, a stupid bitch and telling her to fuck off. And they would not have.
No one 'made' him react that way and the fact that he did is an issue of its own. You can make excuses for why but it's not ok but it's not going to do him any favours whatsoever to respond like that as a default.

I would absolutely hope that the neighbour addressed the comments made by their child, with their child, but that wouldn't be in my control so not what I'd focus on. I'd probs not have them over for drinks and chats again though🤷‍♀️

is “gay boy” a slur these days?

is it like “gay lord”?

i am obviously 100 years old

honestly though your son’s behaviour is awful. He knew exactly what his words meant. An 8 year old does not.

I think it’s concerning that his response to a child that much younger was, “Stupid bitch, fuck off.” If he’d snapped and told her to shut up, I’d find that a lot more understandable, but “stupid bitch” isn’t something that should even be entering his mind in connection with an eight-year-old girl. “Brat,” maybe, but not “bitch.” Eight-year-olds are still pretty young children, and he’s old enough to understand that there are no circumstances under which it’s okay to call an eight-year-old girl a stupid bitch.

She’s old enough to be told that she needs to apologize for telling him he was weird for being gay, and maybe to learn a little bit about the history of why that’s so unacceptable. But your son escalated the situation way beyond what’s understandable.