Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

My DW was 11 when she asked her mum to make her a GP appointment because she was worried something was wrong with her because she knew she was gay. It’s literally on her GP NHS history. She didn’t come out until she was 14.

My friend from school knew he was gay from primary school; he didn’t tell anyone but everyone knew and called him homophobic names throughout school. He came out after we left school while he was at uni.

I was 24

We all have anecdotal evidence, but the reality is that you’re not an expert and studies show that it’s not uncommon for children as young as 9 to realise they’re ‘different’.

No need to start worrying about kids growing up to fast. They’ll realise when they realise. No use telling them to get back in the closet until they’re 18 as it won’t make a difference, it could be detrimental to their MH though

‘Gay boy’ has long been a homophobic slur. Think of it as the whole thing being treated as a noun - a label - as opposed to ‘gay’ just being used as a neutral adjective.

I think it was especially prevalent in the 90s and 00s when I was growing up but is still around now, as per this example:

https://www.barnsleychronicle.com/article/34821/gay-boy-slur-leads-to-footballer-fine

Anyone thinking it’s a-ok for a 13yo to be swearing aggressively to an 8yo… would you be okay if a year 11 was swearing aggressively to a year 7? Or would you tell your year 11 to grow the heck up and not overreact to the bullshit a little kid was talking? Because that’s the same age gap, and in reality there’s less (mental and physical) difference between a yr11 and a yr7 than there is a year 9 and a year 4.

Regardless of context it isn’t okay. Bigger kids aren’t allowed to be aggressive to little kids. They’re allowed to calmly defend themselves, tell an adult, walk away. Same with stronger adults and weaker adults tbh. I don’t actually care what type of insult came first. When you’re bigger and stronger you need to have some restraint.

Maybe this is a UK thing? We're not all in the UK.

The slur I've come across most often is children saying, "That's so gay!" when something is considered stupid. I've always called that one out and had a firm line on it.

Or they came out at that age because it was when it became more acceptable

I knew I was bisexual when I was 11, although I didn't have the words for it until I was about 16...

Well I would if they started going around telling people “I’m straight!”.

Being gay is literally sexuality.

Im not in the UK and I wouldn’t my. 8 year old taught stuff I didn’t hear about until I was 13 or so.

You wouldn't say that about a 10 year old having an opposite sex crush...

Yes, his reaction wasn't acceptable

But many are completely excusing the 8 year old and any context behind his reaction

Thank you

I can't believe posters haven't heard "hahaha gaaaay boy" type comments shouted by lad types

What the girl said was mild teasing, and it’s also a fact: he is a gay boy.

What your son said was horrible and classed as abusive language.

As well as this, she is much younger than him.

YANBU to think they both should have apologised, but YABU to think they’re “equally” in the wrong.

Your friendship with these people will be over if you don’t see that.

She's eight!!!! Little more than half his age. Teenagers absolutely shouldn't speak to children that way.

And honestly wtf was a thirteen year old boy doing talking to an eleven year old girl about his crushes? Why was he going on about crushes to the girls in his class when he was ten. Those are both really inappropriate and red flags that something potentially serious is going on with him. You need to forget about looking for grievances for perceived homophobia, and start parenting with more awareness. His behaviour is something other children find instinctually off putting because it's not something that feels safe to them.

You've added your own context there

You think that laughing and calling someone weird alongside the terms isn't understandable to an 8 year old as being mean?

You think that someone who has been bullied about a specific part of themselves isn't going to react badly to the same words and teasing being said to them, regardless of the age of the person saying it?

Yes, though I'd have picked up on the weird, mocking laughter and context of being gay as the insult, not the specific term. Though I know more about that now. Obviously something to address with the 8 year old too.

I think if someone is laughing and calling you weird alongside the term they mean it as an insult and not a description...

My 8 year old (and her class) are all talking about crushes and "fancying" people. They know what attractive or pretty is. The act of sex or sexual attraction doesn't come into in any way. By law they're all doing equality and diversity classes by year 3/4. By 10 they absolutely know what gay is and whether they think boys look nice or girls or both. Some kids hit puberty at 9/10. They also by 8 have begun to be taught about people who are different whether that's religion, colour or sexuality. People joke endlessly about toddlers holding hands "oh have you got a boyfriend/ girlfriend". My eldest's "girlfriend" attended his 9th birthday family meal out. They held hands and laughed and chatted away. Nothing sexual about it. Knowing you like what boys look like and not girls isn't complicated.

Thank you for taking my question seriously.

While some have judged me for asking I have actually called out other slurs I know of in the past with people, so I'm not actually being disingenuous. I'll accept ignorant relating to that fact though.

Well, I bet she won't do it again :-)

The same as Fat Woman and woman who is fat or Brown boy and boy who is brown aren't the same

If an 8 year old is savvy enough to make homophobic remarks, she’s old enough to deal with being called a stupid bitch.

the fact her parents don’t see anything wrong with her behaviour indicates where the homophobic behaviour may stem from……

One of my kids isn't straight. Like most parents, I wasn't surprised. But they didn't let me know till they were older.

Oh give over. One of my adult kids isn't straight and I still haven't heard it.

I know tons of guy adults. All of them came out at uni age or older. At an age where the brain is actually capable of understanding what being gay means. And I assume at least some of them had an inkling before that.

I know tons of kids. Based on that I really doubt that an average ten year old actually understands what being gay means.

Thank you, do you know when you can’t think of the right word to describe something, that’s exactly what annoyed me about that post

@TeaAndMadeiraCake What's the difference? If I heard someone say 'he is a gay boy' I'd just think he's a boy who is gay. Does it have some other meaning behind it? Asking to be educated as I haven't come across that.

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Disingenuous is an adjective that describes behavior or speech that is slightly dishonest, insincere, or calculating. It often involves pretending to be honest, simple, or unaware of a situation in order to deceive others or hide the complete truth