Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

Both were in the wrong but I would be more angry with your 13 year old who should know better and was overly aggressive and abusive to an 8 year old .
A year year old can be gently but firmly educated

It’s on the parents. The younger child shouldn’t have behaved in such a homophobic way- where has she go that from? No school would tolerate that and it would be dealt with severely so they really need to nip it in the bud. Homophobic language and bullying lead to a massive breakdown for my gay son and self hatred so I know personally how damaging such language can be. I wouldn’t scold your son,praise him for calling it out but talk to him about the language he used and remind him that he will relay the message better without swearing.

Well I’m not. If I were him, this is how I would react to the torment.

No, I don’t. I am simply saying that’s how I’d have reacted if I were him. MN is wild.

You need to measure everyone’s behaviour against what would have been the acceptable response.

The 8yo should not have used those words, but 8yos are not that socially aware yet, so she probably didn’t understand the full implications. I doubt she was being homophobic intentionally, she was most likely parroting or interpreting something she’d heard. She needs to be educated on the subject and she needed to apologise.

Your son’s response was unacceptable, but somewhat understandable given the wider context and most 13yo don’t have great impulse control. It was intentional and he understood the meaning, but it was said in the heat of the moment. The bigger issue imo is his refusal to apologise. He’s obviously done something bad and that was the least he could do to move forward. If it was me, I’d be focusing on that. If he still refuses, there should
be consequences.

The adults should have all apologised to each other for their child. I’m not sure your neighbours could have stayed at that point without your son apologising to their daughter. It would have sent the message that it’s ok for someone to talk to her like that.

If you value the friendship, reach out and apologise. Based on their response, you’ll know if the friendship is salvageable.

Both were bad - but your son is older, he should know better, whatever sexuality he is, the child he aimed his language at is eight - i would have been furious - totally unacceptable language. Both need to probably apologise - your son more so. I do think this friendship is over though - sorry.

‘Gay boy’ is a well-known derogatory term for gay males. Her parents probably left bc they’re the ones she picked the term up from or are allowing her to watch films and tv shows where this phrase is used

A 13 year old swearing and insulting a much younger child is inexcusable. Your son knew the severity of what he was saying whereas the girl likely had no idea. For him to then refuse to apologise and you to think that is acceptable is appalling. You have no valid reason to be annoyed at your neighbours and you owe them and their child an apology, as does your son.

The girl was out of order, but it was an entirely inappropriate conversation to start with, whatever your sexuality. I’d say an apology from both would have been appropriate. Guess that relationship is over!

Yeah and some of the language is wandering along "soft" and "weak" because he got upset someone in his one safe space was homophobic to him whilst he was having a nice normal conversation. Yes, his language was not ok and needs dealing with but there's context here and the 8 year old needs speaking to as well. Especially if she "doesn't fully understand"

The fact that he's being bullied at school seems to be an irrelevance on this thread. Which is interesting, no? 🙄

The long term consequences of homophobia can leave a their mark. Resulting in a community who turn the brutal experiences from their childhood in on themselves as adults.

There are definitely comments here that demonstrate a depth of ignorance and overt homophobia that defy comprehension. Given that this is 2026.

The 8 year old might not yet fully understand what she said and the weight of the words, but she knew enough who to say it to. Her parents should be mortified and sorry.
OP's son should not be subjected to those words or sentiment in his own home. His reaction is understandable. He needs to learn appropriate responses and how to handle and protect himself as likely, at least until school is done, he'll encounter similar and worse.
Intolerance and all sorts of prejudice are learned in the home and well as the school yard. OP may need to re-evaluate this friendship.

"But but he's gay!! Like those naughty bisexuals he's obviously thinking about sex all the time!! Why can't he just be normal and accept people being mean to him in his weirdness"

This does somewhat depend how often he hears it along with say faggot, bum boy, nonce and pedo. For my son, where we live, it was an average of 8 times a day by text or electronic message and usually at least once or twice a day on the bus there and back. Often it would get shouted across locker rooms and the school campus in general. The violence that came with it was incredibly disturbing as well. The most recent episode is with the police and required a hospital visit. It's been around since at least the 90's as a slur and frequently used in sports, young farmers and at school in my area. It's not used as a descriptor but a perjorative.

Homophobic bullying oh please...from an 8 year old.

It's also telling (read massively homophobic) that posters are making assumptions that DS has made "being gay his whole personality" just because he was talking about boys he crushes on with no other context

When it's far more likely he was in a conversation where the other boys were talking about their crushes on girls and when he tried to join in and talk about his own crushes they were rude (possibly because they felt threatened in some way due to homophobia). Then he decided to try and join in with the girls because they were all talking about boys but they also didn't let him join in

There's absolutely no indication DS was forcing the conversation or has made it "his whole personality" and yet ....

It's definitely simmering away isn't it?!

The boy was absolutely wrong and that needs nipping in the bud sharpish. He should make an apology. But people who are relentlessly bullied, and this I've seen firsthand with my eldest, do not always make the best choices and can often end up seriously isolated or start wearing their differences like armour. They can also display immaturity and oversensitivity because they're in constant defense mode and so struggle to form friendships. People here are very focused on the sex element of being gay rather than the relationship part they'd look at with straight children. If people haven't dealt with endless bullying of their children they have no clue how bad this could be. In certain areas of the UK being gay at school is an awful experience even the perception of it is met with slurs and even violence. There's a reason a lot of professional sports people stay in the closet until after their career is done and it's far from the only industry. I'm sad that Mumsnet seems to be filled with it. I'd have thought that women who have to put up with misogyny so often would be more understanding. Clearly not.

I mean I’d bollock him for calling her a bitch and explain that later in life women may well be some of your strongest defenders and best allies as a gay man, but I understand why he told her to fuck off. If it was my son I would tell him off, but still be understanding. At the end of the day (unfortunately) he will be called much worse over the course of his life - but he’s young and going through a lot.

@TheNoisyDeerthat’s encouraging that he is showing an interest in getting back into football.
I can understand how his confidence has been knocked.
Perhaps suggest other sports he might enjoy trying (rowing, tennis, rugby, anything really). A real hobby that keeps him busy on a healthy interest.
He can’t be spending the rest of his life worrying about other people’s reactions to his sexuality. He doesn’t need to bring it up anymore than other people do. It should not be an all consuming issue for him.
The thing is you can’t protect him from hurtful comments for the rest of his life. He needs to understand that anger will not make him popular with anyone. What if he ends up getting a job in a country where homosexuality is not viewed favourably. Even in America, the reality is that a vast majority of population have a ‘conservative’ view of the world, somewhere like Russia is terrible and so on. He needs the tools to navigate or avoid negative experiences as much as possible and to be and feel safe. It is the world we live in, it won’t change in the next decades.

He's a teenage boy who has experienced homophobic bullying reacting to homophobic bullying...

No, he doesn’t. She’s eight and he barely knows her. If anything he seems quite secure and confident in who he is considering that he talks about it so much.

There is a well-known and deeply entrenched problem with misogyny amongst gay men and within the gay community. Your son is already displaying this horrible mindset with his vile and abusive language towards an eight year-old girl. Get on top of it now before he’s 16 and aiming his hatred of women towards you.

That's been explained a couple of pages back if you want to go back a bit. You'll get accused of being disingenuous by asking though.

How is calling someone who is gay and a boy ‘gay boy’ homophobic.
He called her far worse and she is only 8 - your son sounds like a bully who is going to play the ‘homophobic’ card whenever he encounters real life problems. Teach him some resilience- he should have replied something like ‘ yes I am a gay boy - so what?’ .

People think that homophobia is a thing of the past. But kids (especially boys) still frequently experience bullying at school because of their sexuality. And it often leaves deep emotional scars that are carried for decades.

Have you looked into whether there are any lgbt community youth groups in your area?

That would 100% not be left to stand at my kid's primary school certainly not when added to an additional slur. It also wouldn't fly in my home or the homes of those they would be spending time in. Clearly everyone has different standards around things they can acceptably say to people though. Weird gay boy and laughing would get my 8 year old sent to the headteacher very quickly for an in depth explanation of why that is unacceptable, followed by our insistence of an apology and possibly privileges withdrawn dependant on circumstances.