Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

She fucked around and found out. You’re right to pull DS up, but she started it and he ended it. Good on him.

She was being a brat, he responded disproportionately
How would you feel if he had hit her? His aggressive verbal response isn’t far off that.

Of course she was homophobic. What do you think homophobia is? She wasn't using "gay boy" as a form of affection.

Agreed. I think this could have been sorted quickly if everyone had apologised as they were all in the wrong to some extent. I don’t think the girl was homophobic but she was definitely mean.

"But she's only 8, she doesn't know what homophobia is"
Wouldn't wash if it was attacking a different minority

An 8 year old is well aware laughing at someone for being different is mean, even if they don't fully understand the words they're using

She used adult homophobic slurs. And she used them to be cruel. He used the language his age group uses to retaliate to his hurt.

He's 13, they don't react the most sensible anyway and he's been bullied for being gay so he's a bit more sensitive about it

It's on the parents to educate not the victim!

Hi, hello yes ACTUALLY several PP have said the same thing about it being his "whole personality"

Kids also aren't born with prejudices, they learn those from the people around then

It's not "technically" homophobia. It just is. And the language on this thread shows just how deeply ingrained it is in people. And why we need to get mad and call it out.

I’m with you OP. I think there is also a huge element of patriarchy in this that a girl’s feelings being hurt is awful but a boy is somehow fair game or should just deal with it.
Obviously your DS should apologise for swearing. But so should the girl for her nasty comments. Ideally both parents would have facilitated a conversation where both swearing and homophobic language was clearly not acceptable and the kids were better informed for having had the conflict and able to apologise and forgive the other one.

If their daughter was not also immediately spoken to and expected to apologise for her hurtful language (and whether she understood it or not, her words were hurtful to him) then I can understand him not wanting to apologise

Being the only one to apologise would be backing down and saying "it's ok for you to insult me and it's not ok for me to react"

I wouldn't have let them stay in my house anyway tbh if they wouldn't make her apologise and hadn't spoken to her there and then.

Your neighbours are homophobes so good you've learned that now and can stay away from them. You aren't going to get what you want from them so leave it.

It does sound like some counselling might be helpful for your son though to improve his self esteem and give him coping mechanisms on how to deal with horrible people. If he reacts like that as a teenager he could put himself in a dangerous situation and while that shouldn't be the reality it sadly is.

She has every valid reason - their daughter was acting in a homophobic manner and they didn't call her out on it

The little girl may not have even fully understood what she was saying, "Gay boy" is a common taunt at schools nowadays. I doubt that makes her "homophobic" - just silly.

Your child was upset, obviously, but his reaction was completely unacceptable. I totally get the neighbour for leaving. I can't believe you think what he said was a fair and proportional response. He obviously got triggered but swearing like this would not make his life easier and will not win him any friends in the future.

HAHAHAHA they're talking about crushes literally all the time they can, just not in front of you. And it's wildly homophobic to suggest a gay 13 year old isn't focusing on the game and is "eyeing up" other players. Genuinely revolting homophobia.

Just for anyone making excuses because she's 8, if she said anything like that in school and a teacher heard her they'd come down on her like a tonne of bricks. It is unacceptable. Her parents should have been mortified.

The problem in these situations is you never get the true picture. You'll get his account, her account, the eldest, and 3 different interpretations.

It's not just about words either. Tone of voice, facial expressions etc... will impact on the seriousness of the situation.

In the end, it would have been better to avoid accusations of the other child's behaviour and just acknowledge it as an unfortunate event, but you can't go back.

I wouldn’t necessarily blame the parents, there is a shocking amount of homophobic language and swearing in the playground of my local primary and it’s what would be considered a naice one.

The children involved are capable of being very polite but out of earshot of adults could make a sailor blush.

She is 8 years old, and no, a child laughing at something they don’t understand is not abusive

eta, there is nothing “adult” about what she did. He used adult language and he used it aggressively. Yes he’s also a child, but their behaviour is not equally bad (imo).

She’s 8 and possibly didn’t understand the gravitas of what she was saying. He should have gently explained she can’t use those terms, it’s hurtful and come to tell you. Swearing at an 8 year old and calling her a stupid bitch is crazy, is he always so aggressive?

Wow; you could be part of the problem op. This is an 8 year old girl,, what she said was simply an 8 year old who didn’t know how to react.

your son is going to have a life time of utter misery if you continue down the route you’re on. Teach this boy resilience, teach him about intent behind words, teach him to contextualise situations.

becaude right now you’re teaching him hysteria,

Well, for starters he could focus on the game. If he is eying up the other boys and talking about crushes then he will have a hard time. My DS13 has many friends, girls and boys. They have several things to talk about- none of them talk about crushes- that they might save for one best friend in private.

We should be outraged, it’s awful that children are being raised like this. It does them no good, it also mentally harms gay children growing up and overloads our already overloaded mental health service.

Well this annoyed me before I went to bed I thought I’d wait and write a reply this morning.
@TheNoisyDeer I’m with you her parents should have spoken to the 8 year old about how inappropriate what she said was and got her to apologise, you handled this well.
I will agree with the other posters who pointed out that your home is your sons safe space, it’s the one place he should feel comfortable being himself and not expect to be shamed.
i also disagree with those saying the 8 yr old hasn’t meant it the way it sounded. Also, she “overheard “ which means she was eavesdropping on a conversation she wasn’t part of, for those of you who can’t read or comprehend!
I’d be concerned about where she heard that if she’s parroting it if I were her parents. I’m assuming that they already knew your son is gay? They expect you to be comfortable with your son being insulted in his own home, yet he needs to apologise for how he has reacted to that?
It certainly wouldn’t sit right with me bit hypocritical isn’t it x

Hello, hi that was me that said that. If you read what I actually said I was saying that these are children that he is having a hard time with. Unfortunately they aren't born with all the knowledge and maturity in the world and so he is experiencing conflict, which is hurting him.
It would be wonderful if he could be out and loud and proud and all these children had the maturity to meet him where he is but alas, this isn't reality.
I agree technically it's homophobic that he gets the reaction he does but us being outraged on an online forum isn't giving him any skills to make his life easier.

I wouldn’t be, he’ll be handling homophobic language a lot and suppressing understandable outrage will impact his mental health. He will have taught her a lesson- homophobia will be called out,it’s wrong, gay children and adults don’t have to tolerate it and reactions to it aren’t always going to be sugar coated.