Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

Your son comes out of this appallingly. No 13 year old should think it acceptable to use such aggressive, nasty language to an 8 year old!!! She’s 8, she doesn’t understand anything adult properly yet and nor should she. He also shouldn’t have thought it appropriate to talk about sexual crushes with an 11 year old nearby to an 8 year old tbh. On top of that, he very much should have apologised as he should have realised immediately he’d gotten it extremely wrong behaviour wise. His victim mentality self-absorption that He is right regardless is not going to do him any favours going forward.

I would have left immediately too.

He's a teenager. Talking about crushes is what teenagers do. As the OP says, his female friends talk about boys all the time. Why wouldn't he do the same?

The context matters here I think because it was the combination of the two this girl came out with. If she'd announced to both kids "urgh you're weird" because they were talking about crushes that's eye roll don't be unkind behaviour. When you add it to say a characteristic such as say send, sexuality, colour, religion etc it's become a different issue and one that needs dealing with. I hope her parents discussed this with her because ultimately she's going to potentially pay the price if she gets older and is still saying things like that. Good schools won't have it and not potentially will some of her peers depending on what type of area they live in or move to in future.

Sure, but he didn't because he's also a child. I don't expect him to behave like a teacher.

Calling someone weird because they are different to you isn't ok....

Bullying is traumatic...
Especially when it's based on a characteristic that makes you a minority

Your homophobia is showing constantly

I think the thing is it wouldn't be an issue or defining if people just saw it the same way as straight people. If we had Disney films that just showed it the same way it shows straight relationships. The power of love being transformative and all that stuff that Disney built their princesses on. I will admit to liking the more modern friendships and don't need a love interest/ take the time for a proper relationship ones but boys in love with boys and girls in love with girls and bisexuals etc need a bit of the Disney treatment then they'll grow up just accepting folks be different and it becomes not an issue. Kids do seem to love a label but the label would become irrelevant if everyone just got on with it. It's because it's treated differently and seen differently. Straight is any age. Gay is adult only for some reason.

gay boy isn’t ok and I would have serious conversations about that with my child if they said that. My comment was about saying weird. Which I reiterate is normal and no I don’t think teachers in our kids fantastic school would say anything other than that was unkind if it was unkindly meant, because it’s not a rude word.

She literally used a homophobic slur, called him weird for liking boys and laughed at him

That's literally homophobic behaviour which should be called out and challenged

oh it’s now trauma, of course it is

Past trauma absolutely is a defence that's used in law ffs

People get lesser sentences or even not guilty because their previous experiences guide their reactions

It's been explained several times that Gay Boy is an insult and a slur and isn't the same as "a boy who is gay". Stop being so disingenuous

Laughing and calling someone weird is a level of being mean that an 8 year old understands is hurtful. I work with 8 year olds and they are aware how their words can hurt.

Agreed but teachers wouldn’t call her a fucking bitch. OP’s DS should have told the adults what was said and let them deal with it.

Regardless of understanding fully the term "gay boy", laughing and calling someone weird is offensive and hurtful and an 8 year old is well aware of that

She acted in a hurtful way, he reacted (badly but he was the vicitm)

She should have still been called out for the words she used and expected to apologise

True. To me, sexuality of any kind seems irrelevant at that age, though. I realise how old-fashioned this is!

You probably need to go tell that to many sports clubs and other organisations who have begun to crack down on this after many years of it being a fairly common insult amongst boys from ages 8-20 at least until they here faggot, bum boy, nonce etc and start using them. My eldest was half way through year 7 when his peers started on the harder ones but gay boy stuck around through most of his school career. It does take a different tone when you hear it repeatedly, multiple times a day but then no-one really credits homophobes with creativity.

It's not fixed... saying you're gay at 10 doesn't mean you can't change how you identify later on when you understand more

I don't think I've seen many people defending his behaviour. There's always going to be a few but the overwhelming majority, including myself, do not think it is acceptable. However, criminal law has mitigation it's built into our court process and includes the idea that 13 year olds do not always respond correctly. It's why we have categories for youth offending because we understand that a teenager is not going to get everything right or respond as an adult should. What isn't ok is the adults on this thread being homophobic and that many genuinely seem to think the little girl should not be spoken to or need to apologise. It's generally acknowledged that if we do damage, whether we mean to or not, we apologise and learn to do better. In this girls case it would be through education. If it were my 8 year old I'd also want to know where she initially heard that so it could be dealt with. If it happened at school she'd be in trouble because calling someone weird and laughing about them whatever their characteristics may be is not going to go down well in a decent school should another child or parent complain or the kid gets overheard. The girls parents are setting her up for failure here if they don't address it. "He behaved worse to my bad behaviour than expected" is not the defence people think it is. Also another (sometimes legal) concept is 'we take the victim as we find them' if you bully someone you, in real life don't get to dictate the response others have to that.

There’s no end of excuses provided by some posters for the awful behaviour of this very angry teen boy. As if what’s happened to him in the past any way justified how he reacted to her. Don’t think this works as a crime defence in real life, does it.

I agree with you. And I think the posters salivating about abusing this little girl and accusing her of homophobia are very wrong indeed.

“Gay boy” is not an adult homophobic slur. It’s an eight year old’s terminology for a gay boy. Yes she was laughing about it and teasing him because she didn’t properly understand, and as I said she should have been made to apologise. Do you have an eight year old?

If “gay boy” counts as an adult homophobic slur to you, then you’ve lived an incredibly sheltered life. Get off your soap box ffs.

I also disagree with you and think you’re putting an adult interpretation on to an 8 year old child’s words. For her it is more she indeed found it weird, as in unusual, different, and not likely something she herself had encountered before, a gay child telling her about him fancying other boys. The term gay boy is likely something she heard at school didn’t fully understand.

my view is always when you hear words you don’t like, understand who is saying them, the intent behind the words, the context behind them, for example an 8 year old child saying it is very different to a 18 year old.

and then react appropriately. The response of stupid bitch and fuck off. To an eight year old was done fully knowing and understanding the meaning of those words.

as said, I am a parent of a gay child, no one should ever tolerate homophobia, but if a child is taught to reacte in this aggressive way, irrrelevant of intent and context, they will have a very sad and lonely life. Much better to explain why it’s not ok, the meaning behind the words, speak to the parents. And in the first instance teach, sure if she is told and does it again, then fair enough.

but personally I’d be utterly horrified if my child verbally abused and attacked an 8 year old for this. I would expect them to behave in a measured manner in line with their age.

Yes, I see what you mean.

I'm old; I just find the whole thing about defining children by their sexuality weird. From the ages of 10 to 13 I was, oh I don't know, probably playing with a spinning top or hop scotch on the pavement! 😁

How is it fixed? Not to mention that 3 years on he's still clearly gay. The only reason it would be an issue is if being gay is somehow lesser. No-one is forced to have relationships with the same sex if they change their mind which it clearly seems the boy hasn't. Saying your gay at any age doesn't mean that for the rest of your life you're fixed. Lots of people in the LGB community will experiment with labels. The response should be acceptance and understanding as people grow or evolve. No one would even think to question a straight kid if they said they said they found girls pretty at age 10. It's been in films such as love actually where an 11 year old declared his love for a girl. That film and many others are problematic in many ways but I've never seen that raised as an issue. Nor are the multiple instances of straight relationships shown in children's TV. It's only really an issue saying you're gay when people equate it to sex as opposed to relationships and simple attraction to beauty and personality as they would for straight children.

I know it's not. But adopting a fixed identity at age 10 seems a bit premature.