Why is life so unfair

I could have written this myself - bad family relationships, poor background and abuse outside of home.

A few years ago when finally things looked up, I had a complete breakdown after the end of a significant relationship. My future suddenly felt no existent. Due to circumstances, the little contact I had with family I ended as they kicked me when I was already down.

I spent a year grieving. The future that never existed, the past I wish I had, dwelling on the why me. You have to sit with it. Therapy, spiritual readings, travel and meditation help. I found Teal’s Swan completion process helpful and Kabbalah teachings. The loving yourself crap is a nonsense, we are social creatures and no loving yourself is not enough. “No man is an island” and all that. What it does allow you to do is recognise love and care in daily life and that it doesn’t always look like you think it does. Small acts of kindness from strangers, random messages are all acts of love towards you.

Once you grieve and accept, you will start making space in your life for people who do care and love you in the way you need. I met my partner shortly after I had that “aha” moment of no one will care about me as much as they care about themselves. If I don’t care about me how can I expect someone else to or teach them how to? I am happy, we are starting a family and creating the story we want to have. I don’t know how that will go or what the future holds. I talk to my family now but it is strained and clinical. I have learned that they are not the people who will support me or
make me feel loved and cared for. I get to choose my family…

it does leave a hole but it is not unfixable it just takes a lot of tears, grief and dealing with resentment.

There's a line in the Shawshank Remeption where Red says you can get busy living or get busy dying.

That had a huge impact on me. I watched it 30+ years ago and still remind myself of that line every day.

I chose to get busy living. And, yes, I had to force myself in the early days.

While you’re right that paedophilia is not an acquired condition, the cruelty of the camps did facilitate rampant sexual abuse. The SS forced marginalized prisoners and enslaved laborers into camp brothels, and there is evidence that children in the camps were subjected to sexual violence which can lead to intergenerational trauma.

I had children and made sure I was the parent for them that I needed.

I work in a professional capacity with children and families who have experienced a range of ACEs. I am the adult for them that I needed as a child and the adult their parents need to support them.

I have acted as an advocate for people unable to advocate for themselves.

I have volunteered supporting young people who have experienced trauma.

Basically, I have thrown my life into being the person for others that I needed as a child.

Am I OK? No, not really. I struggle constantly and have constant flashbacks and constantly replay aspects of my past. I lack self esteem and confidence and my sense of self worth comes from what I can do for others not who I am. I fall asleep listening to podcasts because listening to speech is the only thing that drowns out the constant internal monologue.

I wake up crying or having nightmares or panic attacks but no one IRL knows about any of this.

I've had therapy but it hasn't really helped.

You say you're not strong enough at the moment. I would say my strength came from doing all these things. If I'd waited to become strong beforehand, I'm not even sure I'd still be here. That's the reality.

Precedents are not a template, though. You have the power to become someone you admire.

Sorry if that sounds trite or dismissive; it's really not meant to.

Come on, OP. I hear what you’re saying. But you can’t just sink. You need to pull yourself back up and forge a path ahead.

Try to look at your life as a game of two halves. The first half is behind you. What you doing with the second?

After reading all your updates, I want to honestly love you, adopt you and help you if I could anyway...but I am similar age to you...would you trust a church and join?

Intergenerational trauma.

Being a victim of the Nazis did not make someone become a sexual abuser, but I am very sorry that you had such a bad childhood and hope that you can find a way through this.

Don't feel any pressure to do anything than taking care of yourself. Helping others can heal ourselves but only if we got the energy to do so. Wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a hug..

Not necessarily. My autistic DS lacks critical thinking but seeing someone suffering makes him cry. So even if he lacks an understanding of himself and others he def doesn't lack empathy.

it wasn’t meant to be harsh but it is true.

what you went through was horrific and of course there should be far more help available for survivors of CSA.

In fact, why not campaign for exactly that? It’s how a lot of parents who lose kids etc deal with trauma - I guess it’s a way of channelling that pain into something positive and trying to help future victims as well as coming to terms with your past. Even set up a support group. You might find that it’s easier to deal with around people who understand.

Your reply is insensitive in the extreme!! No need for shitty dismissive response at all

Well then do you want to just wallow in your childhood or take responsibility for your future? It’s up to you but if you convince yourself you can’t then you will in fact be right. Equally if you look at what you do have compared to others you may be surprised.

Btw I didn’t meet decent friends until I was in my 50s

I understand...I have been through a lot and ....it is not fair but we have hope in Jesus Christ....may be the voice was from an angel who was watching over you, reminding you that you are to love yourself even when no one else does

You don’t have to forgive them. You just need to break this mindset and change things. It sounds like you and your brother are not great for each other, which is a shame. But it’s easy to feed off each other’s misery.

I do empathise as it’s so hard.

I am sorry about that. The help afterwards that is available now was not always there then and it is very sad that it seemed to affect him so. There are however many others who came out and became good people, good parents and yes, found happiness.