Why is life so unfair

Op This volunteer site might be useful to you. Just put in your location and see what volunteer opportunities are around. I put in areas of interest "children" for you but you can change that . 16 opportunities in Croydon - Get Volunteering

Yes, but who were you told these things by? Were they kind people, who were empathetic and aware? Or were they abusive idiots?

If the latter, then why would you internalise/take on board any of that? It’s like listening to an electrician who is telling you what medication would be best to lower high blood pressure. Why place any stock in the opinions of the people you mention - are they experts????

Give yourself permission to feel sad. People who criticise your feelings in reaction to situations you have had no control over as a child either: didn't go through abuse and neglect, or did and can not show empathy as they were shown none either.
It's not a black or white situation. I think you need to plan some healing for yoyrself, whatever it might be. Talking therapy doesn't work for everyone. Meditation, painting, writing, gardening etc... are hugely healing too.
Good luck.

So sorry you’re feeling this way OP. Nature, meditation are both good habits to heal. I really feel for you and am hoping life gets better for you. I agree therapists aren’t great.

That feeling of being unloved and alone never quite goes away. I was unwanted and orphaned very young. We were very poor and I was left with a couple of photos and nothing else. However, I now have a good life. I honestly think the secret was being a bookworm as a child and reading all those stories about children who were abandoned or mistreated-The Little Princess, The Secret Garden, Goodnight Mr Tom. They made me feel less different. At least I had a job when I lost my remaining parent at 17 and it helped to keep me going. But yes, I envied people with families. However, it does make you self sufficient. And there is a strength in that. You can please yourself most of the time. Do you have friends, OP? Friendships can help keep you going. There will be support groups online too. Don’t give in. I remember reading Norah Ephron and the line-Be the heroine of your life, not a victim-is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve read.

@JacknDiane I am not trying to "Prove" anything.
Many of us had an abusive background, many of us are fortunate enough to survive it. I thought it was a very tasteless reference as that poor 13 month old did not.
The OP is 42
There comes a point where you need to take agency over your life.
That was all I said
She was then abusive to me and probably will be again now.

What are you trying to prove here Breadcat24? That you feel more pity for that poor babys murder than the op, or anyone else??

Behave yourself.

I'm sorry, I also was spiritual as a child and I still am. There is no reason to justify it, no child deserves abuse. It doesn't build character or resilience, there isn't a higher reason, you don't deserve it over someone else.

Ok. This may be long and I have name changed as there's some fairly personal stuff in this.

I completely get it @MyFastZebra. I grew up like you, horrendous parents; abject poverty (eating dry bread and sitting in a house with no electricity as we'd been cut off, clean clothes were a wish!), my dad was violent, mean and aggressive. My mum suffered but threw me under the bus to save herself, we had golden child and scapegoat dynamic between me and my brother and he was the golden boy who could do no wrong. I was told every single day I was stupid; thick and useless. My dad was a classic narc.
a teacher lied for me on my school report, because in his words, he knew what my dad would do to me if he told the truth about me messing in class. I also suffered CSA from my uncle. On top of all that I was an easy target for bullies too.

It absolutely destroys something fundamental in you when even your parents cant love you. You feel so alone and unlovable and become "old for your years" as there is no other choice.

That said, I'm a year older than you now, and I enjoy my life, it's taken a long time to get there, some serious work along the way, a chunk of reinventing myself and avoiding some triggers too. (I cannot watch Disney's inside out at all, reduces me to a sobbing mess, the part where it talks about core happy memories and they're being banked, I realised I had less than 5 in my whole life up to 16 years old!).

I married a much milder version of my dad (just the angry shouty part) of a guy who showed me attention and had a wonderful child. Realised when they were 4 years old this wasn't what I wanted for them and went to counselling for that. I've realised focus on fixing the immediate thing that needs fixing, you'll never heal the old stuff fully so unless it impacts right now, a box is perfectly ok to stick it in.

Take the small wins; you are absolutely not weak. If you were you wouldn't be standing solid right now, your foundations may wobble occasionally but they're there and you built them. That makes you incredible. Most people have others building their foundations and you created your own from chaos.

So right now you have an issue with some awful bullies at work. Work on fixing that. Is it self confidence, are there any books that can help on that. Can you get support on that from a union at work to address the issues. Look at another job etc.
start thinking "fuck you" at them every time they're mean and hold your head high. Anything that changes a little bit how you feel will all help.

When my child hit preteens I realised I was being shouty and aggressive at times. I can't fix my childhood, but I did take myself off for some epic (and blooming expensive) parenting classes from someone who specialised in helping parents when they came from a tough background. I worked on that and completely changed the outlook of our house by doing that work. It doesn't fix the underlying issue I had, but I can work on the here and now and know I can be better. I just sometimes need help to get there.

Can you help others who grew up in your situation, I volunteer for a charity that provides beds to children who don't have them. It's my little bit of paying it forward to acknowledge it's still there for a lot of people and if I can help make someone's life easier then that all helps them in future.

Only you can decide how to move forward. It's fine to sit and cry at the unfairness of it all, because it is unfair, but if you only sit and cry you never find the small glimmers in life. You've got your own place, you can have a coffee in your own place and know you're safe, because that's your peace.
You're strong and kickass, with a few wobbles. Look for the glimmers.

In all fairness, that's a job for a therapist, not random people in an online forum.

Stop focussing on what other people have and count your blessings. Literally. Gratitude is a skill you can develop.

I think its almost impossible to feel so utterly alone as a child growing up and change that way of thinking as an adult, even if you then have axrelationship and children as an adult. That extreme loneliness goes through you like writing inside a stock of rock. I dont think theres a way of getting rid of it.
I think @MyFastZebrajust wants and needs to be heard. To be recognised as a person who had a fucking awful start in life. To be recognised as a person who has had a real shit time and continues to suffer to this day. Just to be heard and listened to. And to be shown kindness, and sympathy and comfort. A lot of comfort. Only then will the op maybe, hopefully be able to even imagine trying to heal, trying to treat themselves with kindness and feel some hope.

I really hope you can get there @MyFastZebra. You totally deserve it 💐

Great, so you now know for a fact that it’s her issues and that she’s a nasty cow, and it’s not you or her perception of you as being weak.

And finding calmness in nature is a wonderful start. I do the same with the sea. You just have to find what works for you.

Re the anti depressants, how long did you give them for the side effects to ease off? Did you ask your GP to try you on a different type? I can’t cope with Citalopram but Fluoxetine works wonders for me.

@MyFastZebra OP you had some sympathy from me about your circumstances until you equated yourself to Preston.
You have had 42 years of life- he had 13 months
You have had the opportunity to learn things, experience things change your circumstances by choice when you became an adult- he did not.
Make a plan for your life and try to improve things and do not compare yourself to that poor little sexually abused murdered baby.

YANBU

Some people don’t realise how privileged they are to have had a childhood free from abuse, neglect or poverty.

Just having a support system is massively important.

If you look in prisons you will see how the vast majority of them have either been in care or had a traumatic childhood.

Trauma can change the brain permanently.

It’s not wallowing in self pity to recognise that you’ve had things harder than many others.

But there will always be those who have had it much harder and so it helps to try and be grateful for the thing you do have/can do.

E.g you can obviously see, read and write and seem pretty intelligent.
There will be people who went through similar to you but who cannot see or be illiterate and so their life is even more challenging.