Why is life so unfair

Oh OP. I had an abusive and neglectful childhood include sexual abuse. I am no contact with my parents. I was lucky to have a supportive step parent who is still in my life (and no longer in a relationship with my parent).

I went off the rails and struggled with alcohol abuse in my teens and early twenties. I was lucky to hit a very painful rock bottom and loose a relationship I was happy in as a result which snapped me out of it. I got sober, had years and years of therapy (still ongoing) and am now in a good place and at peace.

What happened to you and to me was wrong and unfair. Every child deserves to be loved and cared for unconditionally by at least one person. When that doesn’t happen it is soul destroying. It is so important to remember that that says everything about them and nothing about you. You are not unlovable and you have value.

Some things that might help:

Try and reframe your current situation. You have no ties - instead of seeing that as sad can you see the opportunity? If you are unhappy with your job, no caring commitments and no mortgage you could do anything. You could move countries, you could go and work abroad - I know people who have done work for board and basic pay on farms in Australia and had a great time. If you enjoy meditation could you look at a meditation retreat abroad? You may need to save up but that would make you feel like you were working towards something.

Would like to foster and give a child what you didn’t have? If so looking at what the requirements are for fostering or getting in touch with your local fostering team to ask questions could be wonderful and very fulfilling. There is a huge shortage of foster carers and they are very in demand.

Alternatively you could look at volunteering for home start, they are volunteers who go and support children and families - visiting to help parents who are struggling by playing with the children maybe, doing a bit of light housework, being a listening ear. A great opportunity to help children and parents to feel supported which could make a real difference to their lives.

You could also ask if your local primary school need a volunteer to come and listen to children read though this would be school hours. You could volunteer in a hospital - this may be taking the tea trolley around etc. not necessarily with children but you would be benefitting others and it can make you realise how lucky you are to be well enough that you are not in hospital. You could speak to a local care home about becoming a befriender or visiting someone who has no visitors/family. They would be grateful for the companionship and if you build a bond it could be a nice way to get advice and wisdom as you would from an older relative/mum/grandparent.

Slightly different again but you could volunteer for a dog rescue - playing with the dogs and taking them for walks, things to love which will love you unconditionally back. There is a riding school near us which is a charity and offers lessons for disabled children - horses can be very soothing so something like that could be great. Or volunteering abroad - I did this and met so many people living in awful circumstances who were so happy and content despite it. This really put my life and privileges into perspective.

If you feel angry you could try a rage room or take up boxing. If you feel powerless a self defence class or something kind of assertiveness training might be good. Toastmasters is a public speaking class/group which is supposed to great for building confidence generally and meeting people.

Imagine that you were 80 years old and then woke up tomorrow and found you were 42 again. You would be so delighted and happy to have all those years back and so many things you would want to do. I am working on a list of 100 dreams at the moment - things that I would like to do in my life. When you start it will probably be big things - go to Australia, go skydiving etc. as you keep going list everything you can think of no matter how small. Making homemade pasta is on my list because I’ve never done it and would like to. Collect as much inspiration as you can - a list of restaurants you’d like to try, day trips you’d like to visit, musicians you’d like to see live.

Any of those things could be the start of a community / new friends and connections. I have found church excellent for community, very friendly and welcoming. You may discover a deep faith or just enjoy the companionship and music etc. they tend to have lots of things to get involved with, socials, and you could potentially volunteer with them at Christmas for example or go to a service on Christmas Day if that is normally a difficult time.

Look into some inner child work - parenting the scared little child inside you. Again this can be very healing.

What happened to you was not fair and out of your control but now you call the shots and you get to decide who you spend time with. If your job is making you unhappy look for a new one and start fresh. You only have to share as much about your background as you want to if you are worried about people seeing you as weak.

Lots of the ideas above probably won’t speak but if one or two do then take some action and go and try something. We all need purpose and meaning to feel fulfilled. Be very kind to yourself. Taking action will always feel better than ruminating, don’t allow the people from your past to rule your future. I wish you the very best of luck.

Although I don't think you can or should compare your childhood to a abused and murdered baby OP, you are still here and have the opportunity to live where his tiny, innocent life was brutally taken, I do however understand trauma, and neglect and the aftermath of abuse and desperation for change.
I changed my life by finding the real me and not this person who I let them create.
I went to uni in my late 30's, I retrained and worked hard on my mental health for years.
I choose me, I choose to be happy and eventually it wasn't a choice but a truth.
I did it to spite the bastards from my past, to spite the poverty and abuse and to step up and be the person who would always have my back.
Basically I told my past to fuck off, they may have taken and made my childhood hell but they are not going to take my future!
One step at a time OP.

Agree OP. I've know various people go through therapy and it's been a bit of a car crash. Some very unprofessional ones out there. I also knew a therapist once. Least said about that one the better but she could not hold water. I can understand if you have tried already with poor results, why you're hesitant.

I'm so sorry, I do understand how awful they are. And yes, neurological damage can cause involuntary movements (dystonia etc). Please don't let your past define your future. You sound lovely, but sad, but I do think that it can be ok, and you can make the best of your life if you want.❤️

I so disagree with you there. There's nothing as reassuring, if thats the right word, than realising you arent as al9ne in your feelings as you'd always thought.
Even though you hate to think of others feeling as bad as you, theres something in a problem shared with people who get it.

Therapists are hit and miss. They are there in place of finding people like you who you can share your deepest feelings with.

I think I understand, OP, but we need to have a way of overcoming our past, including traumatic or difficult events, to be better, stronger people.

I was born three months prematurely and was weaned off heroin, but I was adopted by my wonderful adoptive parents, who have given me the best life I could have wanted.

My DB passed away from cancer aged 34, eight years ago. A couple of years before this, I had a terrible head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia. This is a loss which has never left me, and was devastating, but I'm still making the most of my life. Obviously my poor old brain has suffered a lot, and I've had two other concussions so I have had a lot of hard times health-wise.

The key thing a counsellor once said was not to let things feel like they define you. Be kind, good, and strong, and enjoy every minute of your life if it's healthy.

Some people never have that chance.😢

I got distracted 😳

I grew up in an abusive household, it’s left its mark. There are people who had it worse and people who (I think) have breezed through life. My main focus has always been on not allowing myself to get into a victim mindset. What happened to me was pretty awful but I have refused to define myself as a victim and therefore enable that to have power over me forever. I know that some of my life choices and mistakes were probably a consequences of my early experiences but I choose to own them as my own and try to be better next time. I built my life despite but also because of my formative experiences. I found peace in that.

Meant to say ‘or whatever it is that will fulfill you’ - apologies

So it’s for you to learn to love or whatever

But you have already proven you are breaking the cycle and you aren’t using generational trauma as an excuse to make other people’s lives hell - you are already stronger than them 🌷

Reading your posts i hear a very strong resilient individual looking for empathy and support that has that also has the desire to make changes to experience more happiness.

I agree with a lot of advice shared by PP that talked about focusing on immediate problems and looking for 'glimmers' of positivity.

You clearly have some great insight in what does and doesn't work for you.

One of the insights I noticed was where you talked about enjoying being out in nature and this sounded like it felt positive. Does your current job involve this at all? There's a whole range of careers that could be open to you here and be fulfilling.

You also talked about loneliness. I appreciate this won't be right for everyone but the companionship and comfort and sometimes joyful unconditional love from pets has helped get me through some very tough lonely periods in my life. Might this be something open to you potentially?

OP I think the suggestions of volunteering with children are really great - it could be a chance to heal your inner child by helping to love and nuture others who need it. I think nurturing others is a fantastic way of healing past traumas because you get to experience that in some way, even if it's from you to another living being. Even plants give you that benefit, and obviously animals too <3 The way my dog looks up at me with pure love melts my heart.

If you're doing a lot of ruminating, I've found that when a thought pops up when I don't want it to, I sort of acknowledge it and thank it for popping up and tell it to go away. Sounds weird but it can work - also giving yourself a time each day to have all those thoughts means you can tell your brain that there is a space for those thoughts later.

I hope you find the peace you deserve. I care about you OP! 😊

The OP does not have to share all the details of her childhood with you. The point she was clearly making is that so many children suffer horrific abuse and it’s difficult to come to terms with that. You should never try and force someone to talk about the abuse they have suffered for your benefit.

Op, I had mostly the same, abusive father, worn out and indifferent dm.
No long standing intimate relationship, just men who always have their own greedy agenda, so I got rid of them. In the end I gave up looking. Why waste all that effort?

So I focused on career, income etc. Then at 44 found myself pregnant. I had ds, and have spent 18 years having a fab time loving and raising ds. Soon he will leave and I'll start over.

Remember, happiness doesn't have to be in the form of a man. xx

This is a hard read, I can tell you what I did. I don’t know if it will help.

i was very badly abused. I won’t go into detail. But as an adult I’ve a happy life. My own family. A successful job.

i never fhouvht I was the issue, i always felt it was them. I had good friends and was popular. No one knew what happened at home. We also lived in severe poverty.

when I left, I told everyone what fhey did, not for sympathy or understanding. I wasn’t interested in that.But to shame them. And I’m now no contact.

i don’t think on it. If I find myself mentally going there, which I do every now and again, i immediately tell myself not to think about it, and I think about something else. I tell myself it was all them, it was literally nothing to do with me, I didn’t cause it, as a child I couldn’t stop it. And I crack on with my life. Which has been lovely ans such a relief not to deal with that anymore. To live life on my terms.

my brother wallows in it, can’t let it go, he’s single, an alcoholic, drug abuse, crime.as he can’t let it go and focus on living his life. We are both in our fifties.

my life has been happy, successful and full of love. I am I guess very resilient.ive a hard job that doesnt phase me. The stress doesn’t bother me, it would most, because nothing is as stressful as my child hood. My family is my husband and my child. I’ve never wished for different parents or family. It means my child has no family my side, and that’s fine, she’s lots of friends and my husbands family.

so if I could give any advice, it’s you need to try to stop focusing on it, and instead focus on living your life.you only get one shot at it. And only you can make it a good one.

give yourself 10mmins a day to think about it. Then move on. Don’t allow yourself to keep thinking about it. Then make it five mins. Then five mins ever second day and so on, till you stop.

its the only way, as wishing,focusing, therapy isn’t working.so now you need to do something different,

I can absolutely see why the death and media coverage of Preston would trigger you. Only when someone has walked in your shoes would they appreciate the huge impact it has had on you when you’re subjected to abuse; when you can’t have a normal childhood like your friends and peers. I had a less than perfect childhood, although no physical or sexual abuse. Just emotional neglect. And it follows you around. I actually get more upset about it now than I did in my twenties. But I guess all you can do is move forward, because you can’t change the past. How you do it though, I’ve no idea.

All we can do is make the best of the situation we have.

Most people have difficult times. Many people have some really shit hard times.

Comparison is the thief of joy regardless of what time you’re in.

What I’ll never do is begrudge a child for having something I don’t.

My aim is to protect my children from the shit times I had, the abusive crap I had to live with.

Stewing over things in the past of things out of my control won’t serve me in any positive way at all.

I totally agree! Show some empathy ffs!!!

OP having read your whole thread my heart goes out to you. What happened to you when you were 7 and beyond is tbh beyond the comprehension of most people in terms of how horrific it was and how much unbelievable courage you have. My heart absolutely goes out to you.

For anyone that has posted nasty/unkind stuff on this thread when the OP has already explained the borrific abuse she experienced as a small child...you should be deeply, deeply ashamed.