Why is life so unfair

Wow. That was rude.

I ‘stopped’ at around half past three yesterday and returned as I’m afraid I don’t respond very well to shut up or stop it and not should anybody. Apart from being fucking rude it’s also what directly leads to sexual abuse and harm happening so I’ll stop when I wish to if you don’t want a response, generally people stop talking.

Yes. Anyone posting their ‘likes’ makes me cringe at the best of times. Even worse when it’s in relation to an abused and unhappy OP.

If you think that acknowledging that not all the information pertinent to the OP was in the OP, sympathising and trying to add things which may help are embarrassing then we won’t agree I’m afraid.

You trying to score points here and ‘prove’ your point is just embarrassing now. Stop it.

‘Oh shut up’ is hardly helpful to anyone, is it?

I wouldn’t normally do this but as can be seen I am not the only one who was taken aback (to say the least) with the mention of Preston Davey on the thread.

I think the main ‘issue’ (without wanting to cast blame) is that absolutely no mention of sexual abuse was made in the OP, and so it was difficult to make that link. The OP mentioned her mother being abusive but again, without wishing to sound dismissive that can transcend so many topics and it is very unusual (though I realise not unheard of) for women to be the perpetrators of sexual abuse. Had the OP stated that she’d been the victim of terrible sexual assaults as a young child, and that her life had been difficult as a direct consequence and Preston’s case had been very upsetting as a result, then that’s totally understandable. As it was, people (including me) could only go off the information in the OP.

I don’t know if you are still reading @MyFastZebra . I don’t have your past of course but I actually can relate to much of what you wrote in your OP. Losing a parent young ages you beyond your peers: you are twenty five at age fifteen and for many women they find they sort of go backwards emotionally rather than forwards, because you missed those rites of passage first time round. So you are fifteen at age twenty five. Perhaps I’ve explained that badly.

Unfair isn’t really something that comes into it though, it just is. I have a thread at the moment where my husband is dying: he’s a good man, we have very young children, it is unfair but it also just is - the cancer which he’s got hasn’t attached itself to him because of something personally he did, any more than my own mums did.

Life was quite difficult and lonely for me until I met DH and my life (until a few months ago anyway!) bore no resemblance to how it did in 2018. I was 38 when I met him so not young. Now it’s going to change again and this is something to hold onto: I don’t know if you’ve ever read Anne of Green Gables but the ‘bend in the road’ has always helped me in the tricky times and if you enjoy it reading is its own therapy, it really is.

I wish you well

By not dwelling on it. I am quite loving but can also be quite cold and detached if I need to. My parents were not considered abusive back in the 80's but would be considered abusive now- low-key being told off all the time, occasional hitting us, punishments if we didn't get along and quite a bit of body shaming and humiliation. Always penny pinching, never had a holiday, or proper days out- other than visiting family every weekend. Had a good relationship my cousins etc so that was my only fun. My mum did make an effort to help me with some money for uni (the equivalent of £15 a week now) but I had to work. I slept in a tiny sofa where I couldn't even turn around for 5 years and ate noodles every day for lunch. This made me super frugal and now I am somewhat comfortable, but it's daunting to know you can't count on anyone to bail you if you come into bad times.

Oh shut up. You’re not helping at all. You’re giving zero compassion to someone who says their pain and suffering is down to never having experienced any compassion.

No one knows what someone else has been through and how that person feels about it. Even people in the same family would’ve had a different childhood experience. Also we are all wired differently and have a different genetic make up so you can’t say everyone should just get over it without support.

OP I do agree with people saying that it may be worth trying another therapist. I have had more than one and the first one was hopeless - she actually told me that the reason my boyfriend was abusive might be because I wouldn’t marry him - guess what happened when I did! Anyway I later saw someone really skilled and it has helped immensely.

However what has not changed is not having the kind of help and support and indeed love that you’re talking about and that’s really hard. People who just take that for granted just won’t ever get it. It might be just one person who showed that care and guidance, which is why so many abused people speak of an aunt or a teacher or friend’s mum who showed that interest and changed their lives.

Or some people may have found a loving partner or group of friends that has transformed things. One thing that has helped me is finding slightly older friends and acquaintances that have time and empathy to be a bit supportive. I started doing hobbies that older people do and that has made a difference. Something like volunteering or rambling. It doesn’t sound wildly exciting but it’s worth actively looking for caring and understanding people and inviting them into your life.

I agree with the person who said try and introduce as many things that give you pleasure as possible. That could be exercise or a hobby or being in nature. If you don’t have a partner then maybe having massages to get that caring physical contact. Happiness is certainly not something that is always there but it can be made up of a lot of good moments and it’s really important to be able to notice them when they happen and really feel them.

The other thing is that if you’re stuck you may need to actively grieve the lack of love in your past. Maybe journaling might help give you some release or even writing on chat gpt and explaining how you feel. You might get more support and suggestions than from some of the people on here. Maybe get in touch with some charities that have been set up to support people who have been abused in childhood. There may be peer groups or forums of people who understand.

Ignore the negative posters and those that just say get a grip without explaining how to do that. And focus on all of the care, attention and good wishes from those posters that want something better for you. Good luck.

Instead of looking at privileged teenagers with lots of parental support, look at the young girls in places like Afghanistan, who are sold into marriage before they even hit puberty, and have no hope for the future. In some sense, you are one of the lucky ones, because you have the opportunity to change your life. Don’t waste that opportunity by wallowing in what you haven’t had.

OP I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Absolutely unfair and undeserving. I’m so sorry you feel alone now and are still having a tough time in your work life. You’ve had some lovely responses here- focus on those and ignore the others. I think it’s totally understandable you’d be asking yourself why things have been so hard for you. I don’t want to sound condescending but would say grip on to those small moments that bring you joy. Sending you love and a hope for peace and some joy in your life- you have plenty of time to find it ahead x

OP the number of people who have very hard lives is much, much higher than the number of people who have charmed lives. Particularly if you look at this on a global scale considering all the countries that are far worse off than the UK. You might not have strong family support, but you were born in a country with strong societal support (free education, free healthcare, a welfare system etc) which is more than millions of people have in this world. However, we all have a tendency to compare up, and look at what we don’t have, rather than at the things we have.

You are not alone. There will be many, many people like you, and you will have an ability to understand and empathise with them in a way that many other people can’t. I believe that the purpose of life is to learn, and that all experiences, good or bad, have something to teach us.

I’m saddened to hear your story and I completely agree with you. Most people have some hard times in life, a few have a really rough time so much of the time and it seems you’re in the latter category, as I often think I am. I saw on my DD’s school they’re an attachment aware school so I looked up the meaning and it means being more trauma aware, asking what’s happened to you, rather than what’s wrong with you. I like to think society is becoming more trauma aware but reading some ignorant comments on here, in some ways I think it’s not. My only advice is try as far as possible to be kind to yourself. I recently read The Kindness Method by dr izasdi who works as a phycologist in substance abuse, I think it’s a good approach as is Compassion Focused Therapy by Paul Gilbert, another psychologist. Some days it’s as much you can do to put one foot in front of the other and encourage yourself in that. Don’t listen to any negative comments on here, quite often these people”don’t even know they’re born” by comparison to what you’ve gone through. keep going, even tiny wins are wins.

Respectfully, I meant car crash in that they said some utterly bonkers things or where very inappropriate or did not signpost people correctly who needed medical intervention. Not a car crash of unpicking and revisiting traumas on the healing journey.

One told someone I love they weren't depressed. They absolutely were. The therapist had them believing all sorts before they reached out to a GP. I've known therapists divulge very confidential things about their patients to strangers. I also lived in a town that had a college that did counselling courses. Most of the students enrolled where some of the most unhinged people (known through association). It's a field that attracts competent professionals who do good plus a range of people who aren't so good at it. Like any other job.

BAD therapy does exist and also it isn't a fix all or for everyone.

You have assumed I mean bad therapy means upsetting sessions. I was not. But thanks.

You are right, life is unfair. Some people have very tough lives, others have an undeserved breeze.

You sound tough, like a warrior. Yes, you have anger and resentment - understandably - but your difficult life didn't beat you down, it didn't defeat you.

Now, at 42, you are still young with so much in front of you. And you are likely so much more resilient than all those people who have never had a problem worse than a burst tire.

But, you gotta let go of that anger and resentment. Thats goal number 1. That is all that is left, to achieve your final victory over your difficult life. If you hold on to it, it will keep you as a slave to the past forever. Let it go, seize your victory.

Whats done is done and cant be changed. Agonising over it is only to waste your time. Let it go and move forward into a new and happier era. If talking about trauma is useful to you, then seek an appropriate forum for that, do not let it invade every aspect of your life.

You say you have no one in your life - that will come. You can make friends through activities, clubs, travel etc. You can go on dates via OLD. You can do anything you want, but first you need to let go this resentment. You will be much more attractive to friends and partners if you are positive and upbeat, rather than locked in a hopeless battle with an unchangeable past.

Stop fighting with the spectre of the past and start enjoying the present. It may seem difficult, but its just a state of mind. CHOOSE to be happy. Literally choose it, like you would choose a meal or a dress.

Yes, you cant be an 18 yr old going on holiday or trying new adventures, but you can be a 42 yr old going on holiday and trying new adventures.

A 42 yr old is just a 18 yr old with 24 yrs experience. You life experience is every bit as valid and precious as that of anyone else, dont forget that.

And you know, age is just a number! You can laugh as heartily, fall as deeply in love and enjoy a sunset at 42, every bit as much as can an 18 yr old. More even, given 18 yr olds are daft and dont appreciate anything!

Good luck to you. Take your victory, its right there.

One thing I would say is that unconditional love is something that most people never get to experience in life.

This is not to downplay your traumatic experiences, just to say don't believe the bullshit that's paraded on social media and in the movies. Comparison is the thief of joy etc, and you might be doing better than you realise.

Watch SAS: Who Dares Wins. It pretends to be about soldiering, but it's actually about the gap between reality and perception, especially when it comes to asssessing our own competence in life.

I haven't read the whole thread but I'm sorry op.

Every child should grow up loved and supported.

Op, I would really suggest you don’t acknowledge or respond to these kinds of comments.

Respectfully - this is what therapy does. You are revisiting your trauma. Talking about some of the most painful things you ever experienced. Yes, it will be upsetting and make you depressed. But you keep going, you keep talking. Until the pain is gone.

That is literally the therapy process. It's hard, and not everyone can do it. But to say that a therapist is "bad" because the sessions upset their patient.. is kind of missing the point entirely of what therapy is there to do.

OP in my work a psychiatrist, a few times a year we will be referred someone for trauma therapy in their 60s/70s because they want to talk about childhood trauma. Years don’t always heal, and it’s nothing to do with ‘wallowing’.

You can only deal with the hands you were dealt. No point wasting more time rueing the past.

make the best of the future. Do all the things you would have done then, now.

girly holidays in your 40’s can be more carnage than the late teen/early 20’s ones.

also get some therapy or some self help books because your childhood was traumatic & it is something that can affect our whole lives if we let it

OP there are people here who don’t tend to show kindness and empathy to anyone. I would try and engage with those who want to help.

Can you do one thing? Try and find a peer coach in your area. I think it could be a good start for you to set some goals in a ‘non-therapy’ setting and think about some next steps to improve your life. I work as a consultant psychiatrist and think it could help.