Why is life so unfair

You are not wrong OP. There’s a really telling video somewhere online (probably YouTube) which is a film of an exercise with high school students (in the US I think) where they are all lined up as if starting a race, and the teacher says ‘take one step forward if you grew up in a household with two parents’ and then ‘take one step forwards if your parents had a steady income’ and so on. As the questions go on, various students stop moving whilst others take one step forwards. It’s a very indicative visual of how disadvantaged (or indeed advantaged) in life that children can be due to the environment they’ve been brought up in.
I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult life OP. I agree with what others have said in that you can’t control the past, but you can control the future. 💐

Its because unfortunately anyone can have kids. Theres people who couldnt look after a pet who have kids.
And you are pointing out that its not just a crap childhood but you are stuck with both the impact and family for life.

However probably 90% of people dont get a fun family holiday with family at 18/ or with mates etc for various reasons

Life IS unfair and I have every sympathy for you BUT you are 42 and although it’s not easy you need to make choices that make your life better…. each day/week and year/s.
Sometimes we can over analyse our lives when we should be busy living them.
You’ll get lots of advice on here and can Google self help information and textbooks. Balance this by listening to and reading fun stuff too.
Don’t overthink every detail of yourself - in my opinion it’s the worse thing you can do, instead build some happy things into you life - exercise, hobbies, sport, meeting with friends etc etc.
Don't look back OP look forward.

I didn’t do that to you or anyone else so we’re all good here aren’t we then 👍 jog on.

@MyFastZebra life is incredibly unfair and I am so sorry that you have had to endure some terrible experiences in your life.

You mentioned that therapy hasn’t helped. Have you explored different kinds of therapy that might help you in processing your trauma? You deserve the years ahead to be peaceful and happy and I wish you all the luck in the world in finding that.

You will do, once you start to heal a little, honestly. Your confidence will emerge. Would it be fruitful to look for another job in the mean time so the bullies at work don't sap away your spirit?

My upbringing was much, much worse than you’ve described. I first thought about suicide when I was ten years old. Even before then I knew that I was alone, and unlike you, I’ve never felt that I was owed anything by anyone.

Life is unfair. That’s just how it is. I actually find that easier to accept because I don’t believe in God, gods, fate, or any supernatural force watching over us. The circumstances of our birth, our parents and families, and whatever happens to us in childhood, are down to luck. We don’t earn them, and we don’t deserve them.

You write as though the universe has singled you out for suffering. It hasn’t. The universe doesn’t single out anyone for suffering or have any intentions towards us. I take comfort in that.

That doesn’t stop me loving people or finding joy and meaning in my life. But it does free me from believing that the worst things that happened to me occurred because I somehow deserved them. They happened because terrible things happen, often for no reason at all.

I grew up in Belfast during the height of the Troubles. People who died were headline news. And rightly so. But for every one of them there was another one, or several, who experienced life changing injuries. Limbs blown off. Horrendous burns. Deafness. Blindness. Severe mental trauma. Yes, they are still alive. But nobody remembers them, do they? It’s not exactly the same obviously, but I can see where the OP is coming from, in that survivors of horrific abuse fade into the background. They silently carry the burden and trauma of their abuse, which can have a detrimental effect on their opportunities and experiences and cast a long shadow over every aspect of their lives.

If you want an example of being insensitive you need look no further than your own post on this thread.

Your comprehension skills are also in need of some work as it was obvious OP was referring to Preston Davy as an example of a child who had no-one to protect and nurture him.

I've been on MN for 15 years and I have seen an awful lot of heartless comments, but I think you may have just won top prize. You are definitely in the top 5.

Frankly, you should be ashamed.

In a very rough patch in my life (absolutely nothing compared to what you've been through, @MyFastZebra ) I read a self-help book I'd won in a giveaway. It wasn't very good but it had one piece of advice that I did find tremendously helpful. Which was to accept that life isn't fair. Sounds obvious, sounds a bit negative, but it helped. Every day I was thinking 'I just want one thing to go right! Just one thing!' and accepting life wasn't fair helped me let go of that and feel better.

I'm so sorry no one was there for you, it must have been utterly miserable. But I think it will help you to move on and accept life isn't fair and you can't get those years back, so all you can do is move forward. As people have said, you are kind of dwelling on the unfairness of what happened to you and others - but ruminating on that doesn't change it and stops you looking upwards.

Wishing you all the best moving forwards.

Some people here are rather proving OP's point which is that when a child is abused to the extent they die, everyone wrings their hands and feels very sad and there's lots of outpouring of care and concern. Yet how many other children are currently in a similar position, maybe slightly less horribly abused, and nobody cares about them? OP was one of those children, that's her point. Where's the outrage and upset for all the children who did live like that and are living like that?

I very much understand you, my mum and stepdad were heroin addicts and me and my 4 siblings were finally taken into foster care and children's homes when I was a teenager. My elder sister took her own life at 22 and my other siblings, including myself, have all suffered various mental health problems over the years.

Despite everything, focusing on what's within my power to change and appreciating what I have has really helped me get out of some slumps. I'm not spiritual at all but I have strong values and it fills me with pride and love when I see them in my son. For years I felt the world was unfair because I kept having miscarriages. A second child never came but now I appreciate my healthy son and I've accepted that it wasn't meant to be.

I was a bright kid and got a scholarship to a private high school, I used to be so envious of the seemingly perfect lives my friends had while I had nothing. It wasn't until we got older that I saw how everyone has their package to carry, from s*xual abuse, neglect, physical abuse. Money just helps people cover it up a little better.

It's fine to feel disappointed, sad, and like the world isn't fair but it's poisonous to stay in rumination. Life is hard, struggles are part of it. Some people get an easier deal to start with, some people get lucky later on.

OP am sorry you were let down by your family so badly and the abuse, it's just too common and it's heartbreaking.
Your family, your person, could that be be your brother? Support each other, be each others good friend, the one person you can rely and relate to, sadly relating in a shared history of abuse.

Other than that, try your very best to accept what has happened and let go of the past. It sounds trite but letting go can help and remember none of this was your fault, you were just a vulnerable child. It's not easy but take step by step, day by day and remember that you are no longer vulnerable and you are your greatest asset. Can do something that makes you smile, however tiny - don't know what you are in to. Do something for you job wise if unhappy with working life. Do something home wise. Plant a flower, paint a room a bright colour, plan a holiday, the holiday you didn't get at 18, you still deserve it. Can you afford to keep a pet? They are just fabulous for the soul, my late cat literally kept me sane a few years ago when my world was falling apart. Sometimes these little things, as daft as it is, can start to have a positive affect on our lives.

If therapy didn't work, there are other therapists and also types of therapy, you could try something/someone new.

Sending hugs and I do hope you find a way to have some peace, your brother too.

Edited, sorry, read about your brother. Am sorry not at all close.

Therapy helps. I had boiling rage all through my 20s about the injustice of my childhood. I was consumed with bitterness. It was very, very ugly. Then I worked through it and am now in a much better place. I won’t lie, it took a long time (around 15 years) and I’m not 100% healed as I’m not sure you can be, but my life has transformed.

OP didnt liken herself to Preston Davey.
I took it to mean that of all the loving couples desperate for a beautiful baby, and poor little Preston was handed to those 2 monsters.
No, the OP wasnt murdered but had an awful childhood like many who can never tell their story because they dont have anyone who cares x

I never used to be good at this. I think you need to be in a position where losing your job wouldn't be a disaster. For me, this was after I'd been able to build an emergency fund. Only then was I able to get into a mindset of not being pushed about/being able to leave the job if I wanted. When you're alone with no support, it can be scary to stand up and risk your employment emotionally. Savings are your piece of mind here, if you can get to that point.

OP I met my best friend at 42. I am now 55. Life can change for the better. Are you able to access any peer coaching via your GP or MH services? It’s not therapy but a really good way to make small changes to improve things for yourself x

I’m sorry your life has been tough, @op

My own has been far from easy.

I don’t know what to suggest to you, but I’ll tell you what I do.

When I feel hopeless, and I regret the many years I didn’t enjoy due to money worries and not understanding how to relate to others, I think of how short life is. I’m in my 50s already. I haven’t been particularly healthy. I think, ‘even an oak tree gets hundreds of years’. Also, I read and think about the age of stars, planets, galaxies…. the size and scale of it all (impossible to comprehend). Then I return to my own silly little life and think, ‘well, I’ve probably only got another 20 years and I’m here now. I’ve got this far. I may as well just keep on keeping on, and try to make the best of it.’ This kind of helps a bit.

Constant anxiety about money and a small / absent or difficult family are hugely detrimental to a happy life, there are no two ways about it. I wish you peace. X

I had very little support through life from the time I was about 10. My dad fell ill and my mum checked out. You have to champion yourself. I know it’s easier to say than do but it’s the only way forward. I myself didn’t have paid holidays - I started to work at 15 I had no other choice. I worked and sturdied. I also felt like was unfair - and it is - my friends at uni were constantly at parties and meeting up for study and I had to work. It is what it is. You mention you have been to therapy - have you tried different therapists? One thing I have learned is that not all therapists are the same.

No, I was discussing getting past unfair. I don’t spray my life around, and I don’t intend to. But best not to assume that people haven’t had childhood trauma.

I thought it was an interesting and thoughtful comparison. Many abuse victims like op soldier on in life but it’s very difficult for them to function due to lack of love, and trauma and insecurity at an early age. Life isn’t fair to them and they are allowed to have days when they just feel desperately sad and alone. OP can see aspects of her life mirrored in some of the tragedies that make the news, and there is nothing wrong with saying that.

I feel that your responses are far more insensitive.

OP if you’re spiritual, you might enjoy / benefit from Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘A New Earth’. It’s about learning how to live in the present, leaving old trauma’s behind and generally living a peaceful life.

I've had a lot of childhood advesity. Different to yours but am similarly without parental or family support. I poured myself into working. Which gave me some structure and success. Met a lot of unsuitable partners on the way and had a very unhealthy work ethic that lead to burnout. But generally I think you have to accept life is unfair and be accepting of your bad hand. Not to minimise it, but to stop the rumination that holds you back. I understand. It's bloody awful to realise you've never been a priority. I did find someone with similar adversities to share a life with and make my own family. But found that's when reality hit harder about how bad things were. Becoming a parent exposed a lot. But I cope by accepting it and trying to move forward and make good of what is left.

Agree. Some dickhead comments here.

I'm so sorry you had such a terrible and traumatizing upbringing.
It is desperately unfair and every child deserves love, warmth, safety and compassion.
I hope you can find happiness x