Why is life so unfair

id i had a do over then id have choosen a better partner, but as it stands im me because of the past

OP life can be hard , but your still here, what is unfair is when I know loved ones in they 30s who have died leaving babies behind and would’ve given anything to have been able to stay… life is what you make it .. I think you need to stop with the pity party

God loves you too...

Please never feel ashamed for not achieving a lot. That is being unkind to yourself.

Having had a shit ton of counselling and CBT
I can confirm,that it is much better to reinvent yourself
To put the bad memories in a box ,and throw them in a lake .
Every time someone called my name ,it just reminded me of my mother's hysterical screaming of my name for the slightest thing I did wrong.
So I changed my name legally,and cut of all relatives who I knew were bad for me .
Dragging up the past in counselling never worked for me .. because I needed answers..why ..and they can't give me that ,one is dead and one has dementia.
So never going to get any answers..and their version of the truth,would not be mine ..so pointless trying to make sense of it .. because it doesn't make sense..
They didn't care ..so what can you do ...you can't make people care ..
You can do the best you can with what you have .
42 is young op
You have half your life left to live .
It's a big F you to all of them ,when you make a success of your life

I

Maybe volunteering could give you purpose. Helping those who need extra love and care. Like the Age UK telephone befriending service or something for children with similar backgrounds. You sound like you have a lot of love to give despite adversity and would equally benefit from having someone relying on you.

I hear you OP. Life can be unfair, dreadfully unfair and I’m sorry if you fall into that category. It doesn’t sound like you had a very easy time growing up but things can change, if you want them to. I don’t have much in the way of family and I know how isolating this can feel. Take one step at a time and you’ll be surprised how far you’ll get. Take care x

Some people on this thread have zero empathy.

You're right OP - it is massively unfair that some are born into completely lovely circumstances with loving families, support, comfortable finances, while some experience absolutely horrific crap in their childhood that goes on to influence their whole adult life.

You are right to feel its massively unfair, because it is.

However. The big 'however'. Dwelling too much on the unfairness of it isnt going to right all the wrongs, nothing can really. The only thing you can is try your utmost to improve your narrative going forward - make the most of any small opportunity you have, try and be the change. If you have children, be a more loving and supportive parent to them than the parents you had yourself. Make sure the damage ends with you. And try to pat yourself on the back at least a bit for even getting to wherever you are, in the face of huge adversity.

I think most people understood what you were saying @MyFastZebra - it's not that your life was the exact same as poor little Preston Davey, but rather that lots of children have horrible abused childhoods, and that we only hear (and get to care about?) about the ones who end up in the news because they actually died of it.

Lots of terrible things short of dying can still happen to children and leave them with long lasting trauma.

I don't really have any advice that you haven't already had, but I hope you don't feel attacked. Some people can be shockingly lacking in empathy.

Hi Op.
Im not going to say i understand how you feel as i’ve not suffered what you have.
However i used to think life was unfair. All my school friends had relaxed jolly parents and in my childhood home we had my father’s extremely short temper, domestic violence, arguments that lasted all weekend. My mother told me she didn’t love me, only my brother.
My dad hit my mum but she stayed with him, and still does.
My brother is a drug addict and alcoholic and had been for 20 years. My family is full of negativity. I’ve decided to break the mould and not be like my parents. The things i wasn’t allowed to do as i child, i will let my daughter do (within reason). I try to love myself, meditate and find joy in small wins in daily life.
You had a tough upbringing but it doesn’t stop you from having a full, meaningful life, forming friendships, setting goals, keeping your body healthy, having food you like, and filling your days.
You lived 42 years and you might live for another 42, don’t let them be defined by your family.
Do you have many friends? I always really priorised my friendships as my family fell short. What do you want to do with your life? It isn’t too late.

I've known children who have haunted me - the lack of love was so obvious - and I wonder what became of them. The little girl in a wealthy family who had everything materially but parents who spent as little time as possible with her. A boy who looked just like his shit of a Dad and the mum who couldn't see past that and was constantly critical and irritable towards him. A toddler who was often tense and worried looking. It doesn't have to be the worst sort of abuse to have a lifelong impact. I hope they went on to happier lives (and yes, I did raise concerns about 2 of them).

OP, life is terribly unfair. It's true that on a global scale we all have much to be grateful for in the UK. But children still suffer here.

I wish you the best and hope things get better for you. You still have so much life to live. Maybe it's time to find your anger about how you were treated? Don't let the fuckers win!

I had what might be described as a difficult childhood. Mom died when I was small. Dad was an alcoholic. There were some good memories, but not that many. I found therapy in later life useful, though if I am honest also a bit addictive. I also found some good trauma self help groups. One thing I heard once that lived with me came from a session I once did with Chris Akabussi. (think I have spelt that right). An Olympic athlete who had a similar childhood and spent a lot of time in care. He said the past is for reference, not for residence. In other words your past does provide you with a point of reference, but you will destroy yourself if you keep going over in your mind all the trauma you suffered, why no one helped and why the people who traumatised you did not face any consequences. You need, with support, to stop doing this. What you need to do is to live in the present.

Something I have also found useful is to be active in helping children who have suffered and abuse and also care leavers. Being active in support helped my trauma. It feels more active.

Hello OP,

I can’t relate to what you’ve said but have felt an outcast for most of my life, which has been damaging (am in no way comparing my experience to yours) but have found strength and peace in Jesus.
I see you and I care. I just want you to know that you are loved.

Well spoken! I would just add "lack of empathy" to your last sentence.

Hi OP,

life is unfair and you pointing it out is totally in your right and bringing awareness to it could potentially be helpful also to address the injustices you have suffered. I think the poster you replied to here is just saying that beyond a point you’re probably wasting your current life ruminating over what was/is genuinely unfair but cannot be changed.

I have not suffered anything like you did, but I also feel I missed out on a lot and when I look at snapshots of peoples life the unfair side comes up in my mind as well. I try to tell myself it’s a habit of past trauma and maybe you too could find things to reset your ways of thinking - first of course, you have to genuinely feel ok-ish about unresolved trauma, and try to find a purpose so that more life cannot be wasted about past suffering ❤

It is so thoroughly unfair and I'm sorry OP. I know what you mean about missing out on a happy and carefree childhood/young adulthood. I went through domestic abuse in my teens and went on to develop a nerve pain condition in my arm which was extremely painful and would make my hand spasm whenever I used it to exertion e.g. carrying bags. Despite this I had to work long hours while at university as I got no financial support and couldn't afford to live there without work. It was so hard dealing with the pain every day but as a young person everyone thought I was fine because they couldn't see how much I was struggling. Most of my 20s were difficult in this way. I think for some of us these are the worst years and you actually feel a sort of recoil from them once you're into your thirties and the waters settle a bit.

I just think it is what it is though. Life is bitterly unfair. These are things we couldn't have changed. And it can be especially really lonely when you feel there isn't anyone who cares also. I hope you find the peace you need and are able to move forward with some positivity.

You can't 'choose'. Some people can rise above the psychological inheritance of their background, others can't. Either because the things that happened to them were just too awful or endless, or because they've been trained not to fight back, or because their particular DNA inheritance means they simply don't have the neuro-psychology to do so.

The idea that there is a moral weakness in whom people for whom adversity has not created resilience is one of the most disgusting and damaging ideologies, and it has had a global impact.

It's very convenient for people who need cover for their rapaciousness and lack of humanity to believe that, if only the vulnerable and damaged just tried a little bit harder, they could overcome their difficulties. I pullled myself up by my bootstraps - why can't you?

I guess it helps them sleep at night, in the absolute delusion that they have somehow 'earned' their position in the world through their moral character.

Fuck everyone else - they chose their lives, they're lazy/weak, and more fool them.

I deplore your worldview. It disgusts me and many others who see it as the result of a combination of personal greed and an incapacity for, or wilful blindness to, critical thinking.

I’m sorry OP, life really isn’t fair, think on that a lot myself. I just look forward tbh, I take a keen interest in anything that isn’t related to my own family. I’m very lucky I met a wonderful man, we aren’t perfect and I had a lot of problems and he had to provide a lot of support but we just move forward. I rarely think about my own childhood except what pops into my head sometimes. I focus on what I can be grateful for today.

I’m so sorry therapy didn’t work for you, are you sure it’s not worth another go? I found it really helpful. Trauma is very deep seated, for most people it’s not a case of just letting it go, the self hatred and self loathing often feels like it’s sunk through your skin and into your bones, it’s not easily shed.

I often look at whats in the news and my heart aches for the children no-one cared about and I look at my own daughter and the lengths I will go to for her and it always brings it home how fragile children are, how every single child should be brought into a home thats is loving and safe and how so many children around the world just don’t get that. It’s deeply sad and infuriating at the same time.

YANBU. Life is unfair; and it’s shit.

i had a beautiful childhood, beautiful family and now have my own beautiful family. Im in my early 30’s and im not sure i will even be alive in 5 years time due to serious illness.

i appreciate life is really difficult; but you only get one chance and then it’s gone. You could still have a beautiful life ahead.

By imitating a strong person you admire. Can be real or fictional. So someone is bitchy; in your head you visualise how x would have reacted and you do that without thinking.

On a side note- I think people are very different as to our capacity of resicilience. You can't compare to others who bounce back from horrible experiences because they are not you. I haven't had a shitty childhood (even though we didn't have money for holidays) but I have been depressed (on medication) for most of my adult life.