Why is life so unfair

i grew up in an abusive family too OP. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive, and our father allowed it. All I wanted when I was a child was to be a grown up, so that I could make my own choices, my own money, my own mistakes. I was able to put myself between my mother and younger siblings sometimes as I got older, but it was horrible. I am now 53 and divorced. No kids - I decided when I was a teenager that it would be too risky, in case I turned out like my mother somehow. It took a long time to come from my divorce, financially. I rent a tiny house, and every day I marvel that I am grown up and in charge of my own life. I decided a long, long time ago that I wasn’t going to let my past take any more from me than it already had. I am no/low contact with almost everyone in my immediate family. I am close-ish with my youngest brother, but I don’t depend on him as I don’t think it’s fair to do that to another person.

I can honestly say I am happy most of the time. My life is mine now, and I decide who I share it with. I cultivate creative hobbies and interests and have a small but lovely circle of friends that I have built friendships with over the past 30 years. If I could give you one piece of advice OP, it would be to not allow your past to rule who you are now. Allowing that means you are powerless to change anything, and that’s not the case. When you were a child, other people were in charge. They’re not any more - you are. You cannot change the past, but you can use it to remind yourself to own your life and your future. Own those things - they are yours.

Life WAS unfair. Now, whatever it is, is up to you.

Gosh this post has took a turn...
That's not good for the OP

Do you have any ideas why? What sort of therapy was it? Are you ND?

Life is unfair. But it’s also what we make it and focusing on the past and what went wrong is seldom helpful. You’ve obviously got a lot of inner strength, but it sounds like you are in a rumination cycle.

radical acceptance might help you. Usually when we ruminate, we are seeking ways to make things ok. But your past wasnt ok. By accepting that and then deciding what would be helpful for you to focus on now, you can start building things into your day that help you now. It’s true terrible things are happening in the world. But so are wonderful things. Everyday people help each other, smile and wave, show love and care in millions of small ways. We don’t report them on the news, but we can all be pleased to live in a world where these things are possible m, even if we weren’t lucky enough to have them then. I find it helps to imagine younger me, and then visualise adult me giving her a cuddle and reassurance.

it might be worth trying a different type of therapy.

Bizarrely for me ..I spent a lifetime on antidepressants..that didn't work
And only going on ritalin have I been able to see the wood from the trees.
I'm so much calmer and less emotional..able to not care about things .
I know people need a diagnosis of ADHD to get ritalin ..
But there might be something, medication wise that helps ..
It might be worth another chat with your doctor

See above, that applies to you.

She didn't say anything in the way you've taken it.
She also didn't grow up with a loving mother, as you put it.

Give it a rest.

Am always amazed how many people on MN go on tangents in order to go on the attack, ignoring facts or helping the OP at all.

Their lives must be very unhappy to make themselves feel 'bigger' by bringing others down.

Why you ashamed? You've done great, even without someone who's had the past you have had and you're still doing great.
As for fun... get yourself out there, do something you've fancied but never got round to doing, no time like now :-)

Have you always had such poor comprehension skills?

42 feels young to me! And my age must feel young to someone ten years older.

I hear you OP. My childhood was not as bad as yours and it was only in my 40s that I really understood how badly it affected me and led me to make some really poor choices because I wasn't able to see the red flags and warning signs that others could. I don't think people who have no-one can really understood what it is like to feel so alone in the world.

I often think life is unfair. Because it is. Its okay to acknowledge that.

I don’t think OP was comparing her past to Preston Davey. She was making the point that like herself, many children exist in poverty and are abused in various ways by family, but they never make the news unless they are the extreme.

I agree OP, life is very unfair and none of us know why. I'm so sorry that you have gone through the awful things that you have. My DH had a dreadful childhood and it affected him his whole adult life, although he was lucky to have a loving grandmother. He got bowel cancer and died three months ago aged 46 - and you know, just before his diagnosis I feel like he was finally starting to win at life, he was content and making plans for the future, and then cancer robbed him of absolutely everything. Life is unfair, you are so right. All I can say, as some posters have already said, is that we can try and make positive changes while we are here, try and make our little corner of the world a bit better in small ways. Although I appreciate it's hard to think that way when you are full of sadness and trauma. I wish life had been kinder to you OP x

Acceptance. You can’t change the past, but you can make sure your own children are loved. It does hurt when “family” ignore my DCs (they’ve never had so much as a birthday card from any of my relatives) but at the same time it shows me that it wasn’t me, it was them. I always felt not good enough, but I know my children are awesome and they neglect them too.

Learning to be your own parent and taking care of your own needs is liberating. I had a lot of therapy before I found a therapist that worked. Don’t give up!

Your start in life was similar to mine.
Mum and dad were divorced by the time i was 2, I was being sexually abused by the age of 3, dad was completely out of my life by 4 because he was an alcoholic who scared me, I was neglected and physically abused at home. I never made friends, between the neglect and being very anxious no one liked me.
I had my first child at 17,
Was chucked out of the family home and was alone from that point onward.
When my dad was allowed back into my life as an adult he gave his heroin addict mates details of what was in my house and when I would be out.
I married an abusive man.
I have 3 autistic children.

My life has been hard from the start and any time ive tried to have any sort of relationship- friendship or romantic, its never really worked out.. it seems I have mug written straight accross my forehead.

So I concentrate on my children, I pour everything i have into creating a better future for them. They will grow up knowing they were loved, and that they were important. Their needs come first, and I just hope that i am doing enough to provide them with the start in life that makes them feel that they are whole human beings deserving of every good thing in life, because no matter how much counselling I have, I will never feel deserving of most of the "good" things other people enjoy freely.

I feel like when youre given a hard set of circumstances to grow around, you have to make a choice and whatever it is you choose becomes your lane to commit to.
I refuse to let my abysmal childhood affect my kids outcomes in life and if thats the one thing I can die knowing ive achieved thats something to be really proud of.

Not all of us grow up in great homes with great parents and pets and suchlike but you make your own choices eventually and strive to overcome your past by choosing a different future.
My younger life was emotionally bloody awful and yes it's affected me all my life and I think about it a lot at times but nothing can change what happened and you just have you move on. It's no good wallowing and saying how unfair life is...it's just our crappy circumstances. There comes a point when we have a choice to just crack on and start over with a fresh mindset..or just live our lives in the mindset of it's not fair..

I’m don’t think that at 42 you should still be blaming your upbringing. You’ve had twenty plus years to make a life yourself. Wallowing in self-pity isn’t going to help. Take some exercise, volunteer, join some clubs. But you will need to cheer up if you want to find someone.

I think that’s the point. That even though folk in the UK have to use food banks (sadly), they exist in the uk in which there is food banks. Most places globally wouldn’t have them so people just wouldn’t get fed.

i Have had a lot of shit happen in my life too, @MyFastZebra . Yes, it’s unfair

But assuming that everyone else is happy with no worries isn’t right: I’m often surprised by the horrible things that “normal” people have gone through! On the face of it, I too look successful and happy, and people are gobsmacked to hear some of the stuff

I made a conscious decision to change how I thought about things. And had talking therapy and also REBT. The latter really helped with ruminating on bad things, and also compulsions I unknowingly used to keep myself safe (magical thinking rituals!) Gave me lots of tools I could use to stop images of the past intruding and so on

Something like that might help, @MyFastZebra ? You do sound depressed, are you on any medication? You can get yourself out of this! Even asking the question on here is a start