Why is life so unfair

Working with traumatised children is a highly skilled profession that requires years of training, however roles that might be suitable for a volunteer include:

• The NSPCC- they have a network of volunteers who go into schools to teach children about abuse, how to report and how to stay safe.
• Childline- volunteers to answer the phone and connect children with trained counsellors if needed.
• Helpers in Girl Guiding and Scouts, or sport/hobby groups.

All of these roles would require a clean DBS.

You're not wrong. There is no rhyme nor reason.

Life can be, and often is, terribly unfair.

Sorry to hear that this has been your experience. I have experienced this to a degree but fortunately have had some very good experiences too.

Hopefully you have many good years ahead. You could try another therapist maybe? Be kind, find small things you enjoy and do them as regularly as possible.

You just have to accept that life is unfair and is very very shit for many people. You can’t control what happened to you as a child but you absolutely have to get a grip on how it impacts your adult life or in 20 years you’ll be mourning wasting your middle years and still allowing what as done to you to dictate your life.

It’s not easy. I have had years of therapy, hiding away, feeling sorry for myself, being bitter and resentful and none of it worked, because I had made being that sad, abused child my identity. Despite the pain and sadness I was carrying around, there was a comfort in knowing who I was as a result and I could excuse myself from trying to break the cycle, or leaving it in the past as too hard because of what I went through. No one benefitted from that, least of all me.

I can see myself in your tone and post and I can tell you that dwelling on it like you are, feeling shortchanged and wanting to share it with others so you can get confirmation you were dealt a shit hand will get you no where near the life you want to live.

Im not saying forgive and forget - any parent who abandons or abuses a child is a piece of shit who deserves to live with the anger and guilt forever - but you have to stop living in those scenarios. You can’t have your young life back, no matter how unfair it seems. You can live your life from today that is different. One small change at a time.

If you start ruminating on how unfair it is - think about how incredible it is you got this far despite it all. Now what could you achieve if you believed you could get even further?

If you feel bullied at work because you think you are weak - how would a person who is not weak deal with this situation?

You didn’t get to have lunch with an aunt or go on holiday as a teen - who can you have lunch with now that you admire? Can you go on a small trip younger you would have liked?

Treat it like a project - project happier life. Every day make the choice that fits the project not that fits the rumination.

You can still have a good, enjoyable happier life, but you have to give it to yourself.

I think the point is that when one bad thing happens to a person, with the support of other loving people we can usually overcome it. E.g. a mum dying young in a loving household with a loving dad means it is sad and traumatic but can be OK.

OP, I sympathise greatly. I too am saddled with lifelong trauma.
What about other aspects of your life? Do you have a fulfilling career? Do you have hobbies? A safe home now?

I get it OP - you are reminded of the trauma every time you see someone else who will never face the same obstacles you faced. The past cannot be undone. But other people's actions do not mean you are not worthy xx

Kindly, there is no point in wishing for things you will not have.

focus on what you do have now.

there is obviously fire in your belly- you’re motivated enough to get out of bed every day to eat, wash yourself, go to work and keep your head above water. What else might you be capable of.

what aspirations do you have that are within reach. Perhaps visualising small, achievable things will help you shift the narrative that everything is stacked against you, but rather that you are able to take control and find moments that are meaningful to you.

there are parts of your story that resonate with my own experience. In my 20s it really ate me up. I realised that I could keep living these childhood experiences over and over in my head and through my body, affecting my relationships and sense of self, or I could be really very very deliberate about separating who I was then, and what happened to me, with who I am now and the life I want to see for myself.

wiishing you all the best xx

Re sticking up for yourself with bullies... well, that's what we're supposed to do, but it's not the only strategy. I used to beat myself up for not managing it. Eventually I learned to let myself off the hook and just minimise interactions with people who are nasty. This cut about 90% of the people out of my life, but meant I didn't have to fret about how to deal with them. Which is an equally valid, and less tiring, strategy, than "growing some balls" or whatever people say we're supposed to do. Obviously it's harder if you're stuck with them at work, but I found other jobs (and am now self-employed, so hurraaaah!).

Try not to envy people you see walking around with family. The thing about most families is that they can be a mixed blessing. The "love" often comes with all sorts of complications because they want the best for you on their terms, which is not at all what you want. Judgement creeps in, and creates suffering of a different kind.

I was very lonely until the age of 53, and now have an amazing life. Admittedly there are only two people in it I care about, but it's never too late to find and enjoy unconditional love.

I feel really sorry for u, I too wonder why some people get dealt with a hard hand, you have been so unlucky but remember this is not your fault.
do u have friends or your own family now?

picking up a copy of John Woolley book I Am With You was a big turning point in my life. I too have found strength and peace in God that I would have never once believed possible. Sending much love

You can’t have a mother father grandparents aunts uncles and cousins. At least not the type of people you want.

You CAN have people around you who are loving and supportive. You might not feel that way, but feelings aren’t facts.

Feelings are feelings - they are not facts. Who says it’s too late? What is the reason/reasons that it’s too late? There’s no actual evidence that it’s too late. Just a feeling 🤷🏼‍♀️

So therapists use different approaches, have different styles and work towards different goals. And like any profession, some are more experienced and effective than others. If you went to five counsellors who all work the same way, it’s not likely to be helpful.

and I have to respectfully push back on people only being able to understand it they’ve experienced it themselves. An experienced psychologist or psychotherapist should be able to empathise regardless. And again, very respectfully, you dont know what the therapist’s experience is. It’s not appropriate for them to share but lots of people get into the field to understand their own experiences.

There’s also a massive difference between empathetic understanding of your past, and encouraging you to refocus on the future. It’s ok to feel sad about your past and bad for yourself. But it’s not helpful to focus on it excessively so that it stops you having any joy at all in life.

Yes, your life was shit as a child.

Yes, you don't have the happiest one as an adult.

Was it your fault those horrible things happened to you?

Can you change that those horrible things happened to you?

Can you change those horrible people into nice ones?

You can't.

Does it help you to ruminate upon those horrible people, their words, deeds and what they led you to think about yourself?

It doesn't.

Can you accept that they happened, it was awful and unfair and you didn't deserve it and it's led to some other shitty things happening as an adult - but refuse to let those arseholes fuck up your future as well?

Compartmentalisation gets a hard time from some people, but when the alternative is staying locked in those previous experiences and having absolute bastards continue to fuck things up, it can be very useful to be able to say

'That was then, it was shit, I'm not there having those things being done to me now, so I'm going to place those memories and feelings just over <there> because I've got far nicer things I want to think about and do now'.

It can help you to mentally separate dealing with arseholes now as a nuisance but, in the great scheme of things, they're nothing compared to what you've got through before and they are nothing to your sense of self worth and value as a human being, just mere gnats in your existence.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time, but you are talking about something which happened 24 years ago now. No-one's life is fair, some have it much worse than others, but everyone has times when they can wallow on the past or pick ourselves up and move forward. My husband grew up in an abusive home, went straight from living with abusive parents to an abusive relationship with his ex-wife and MIL, and felt like his life was over by his mid-twenties. Instead of giving up, he went out, got educated, worked hard in his career, moved out on his own, got a divorce, took time to reflect and work on his self-esteem, and tried again. He built his own village of supportive people over time. He's now in a happy marriage and we own a home.

His sister has spent her life saying that her life is awful and she can't do better because her childhood was so bad, but she has never taken any meaningful steps to improve her life, just says that the reason she's never achieved anything isn't her fault.

They are both older than you. You can use your 40s now to think about how unfair your life has been or you can start looking at where your life NOW isn't as you want it to be and start working on that.

I have a diagnosis of CPSTD as a result of a difficult childhood and a number of traumatic life events as an adult and like you OP i can sometimes feel that life has dealt me a bad hand. I have had a lot of therapy and to an extent it has helped and given me tools to manage bad days and negative self talk. I had EMDR to help me process one particular traumatic event and while I wlll never forget what happened to me it toned down the colours of my memories until they became a faded sepia rather than a technicolour drenched nightmare. I try to practice gratitude to celebrate small triumphs and to give to others the kindness and attention that i feel was not mine on many occasions in my iife. Does it work?, well not all the time because of course I am an imperfect person but it can make me feel more postiive and in control. Life is unfair, many people are the walking wounded who have had blow after blow. What we can do is try to be kind and that includes being kind to ourselves, in fact especially to ourselves. I am sorry to hear of all that you have been though and I hope that you find some peace

Ya, life can be so unfair, can't it. I hear you, I have an autoimmune illness myself and it's upsetting when you don't have the same experience as others your age.

My advice would be to get yourself around the right people, whether it's through a back to work scheme or through some other means. Life can be unfair but I do think it becomes a bit easier and more enjoyable if you are around the right people. People who understand and empathise with you and who may be dealing with stuff of their own.

Friends in a similar position can give you support along the way and you may even end up really enjoying your life when you have like minded people to chat and laugh along with. You could try and do a course or training scheme maybe. Stay safe also when meeting new people of course but it could be worth a try!

Decide not to be like your family, I'm a believer in that you get to an age where you can choose to be like those around you or follow a different path. You need to look forward not back, work hard in a job, any job as long as it's legal earnings, retrain to something you enjoy doing in life.

Not everyone wants or needs to aim high.