Why is life so unfair

I am 42 and had a shitty childhood, nowhere near the same scale of shit you went through but enough to affect/anger me as an adult.
I now have two children (well, one is an adult and one is sixteen!) and the one thing I have done since I became a mother at 23 is think 'what would my mother do in this situation' and make damn sure I do the opposite of what she would have done! This is almost like therapy for me, raising children the way I feel would have made my life nicer.
I understand you don't have any children but what about becoming a Scout Leader? My son is a young leader and has been at scouts since he was 8....all sorts of people attend and everyone is made welcome. Might be worth looking into.
I also think early 40's is a bit of a tricky age for a lot of us, no longer 'young' but definitely not 'old'! I like the saying 'you will never again be as young as you are today'. It's so very true and quite poignant really.
In ten years time you (and me!) will be 52. In those ten years you could have helped countless children as a Scout leader (for example, other options are available!) or you could just pootle on as you are getting increasingly bitter with every decade. That part of your life you can control and that is why people say it is a choice even if it doesn't quite feel like it.

You are often Providing examples of terrible things that happened to nice people.
Do you want things to change? What small thing (and others have made some great suggestions) what small thing could you do today?

I think it’s outrageous you are being given a hard time mentioning Preston Davey. What you said was that we don’t usually find out about children being treated cruelly until they are killed. How is that hard for people to get?

im sorry you’ve had such a difficult life OP. A friend of mine found a huge amount of relief from the effects of severe childhood trauma with EMDR therapy. If you haven’t tried it maybe worth checking out.

It sounds hard but nobody else can help you. If you want to wallow in pity and chocolate then of course that’s fine. But if you don’t, then it’s on you to change things.

I agree that life is unfair for a lot of people , particularly those who suffer all kinds of abuse including sexual abuse and the emotional abuse that you suffered .

You have clearly experienced a number of adverse childhood experiences and the resultant trauma that follows from that . One protective factor of that is when you have one person who is on your side and supports you throughout . I am sorry that this hasn’t been the case for you .
I think those that have been brought up with loving families , even those that don’t mirror the typical mum , dad , 2.4 children are better equipped in life . They are given the confidence and their self esteem is boosted , they will take opportunities in life and have confidence to do so . They will also have perhaps a financial back up or at the very least an emotional one . Someone is supporting them in the background , should they try and perhaps fail .

You and a lot of others sadly didn’t have that , so it is no wonder that life has been very difficult for you , you have had to concentrate on survival day to day .

I didn’t think what you said about the really tragic case of Preston Davey was a comparison by you . I think you have empathy for those children who have sadly suffered abuse .

I think 42 is still young to turn your life around , you could look at getting further qualifications , seeking out mental health support / other types of counselling that may work for you . You have survived , even if that survival is day to day .

You also mentioned a brother and also that your mother was abusive to you . Was your mother also abusive to your brother or did she favour him over you ? Do you have any ongoing relationship with your brother ?

Yes life is unfair , but you can still do something to change yours and provide some stability and happiness for you in the future. I think you are still in pain because of your background and although a cliche you will struggle to find happiness in a relationship currently unless you are happy within yourself .

It is very difficult to change lots of things at a time , but you could start with little things and go from there .

I do wish lots of happiness and joy for you in your future . Take care x

You're not wrong. There is no rhyme nor reason.

Life can be, and often is, terribly unfair.

Sorry to hear that this has been your experience. I have experienced this to a degree but fortunately have had some very good experiences too.

Hopefully you have many good years ahead. You could try another therapist maybe? Be kind, find small things you enjoy and do them as regularly as possible.

Working with traumatised children is a highly skilled profession that requires years of training, however roles that might be suitable for a volunteer include:

• The NSPCC- they have a network of volunteers who go into schools to teach children about abuse, how to report and how to stay safe.
• Childline- volunteers to answer the phone and connect children with trained counsellors if needed.
• Helpers in Girl Guiding and Scouts, or sport/hobby groups.

All of these roles would require a clean DBS.

You just have to accept that life is unfair and is very very shit for many people. You can’t control what happened to you as a child but you absolutely have to get a grip on how it impacts your adult life or in 20 years you’ll be mourning wasting your middle years and still allowing what as done to you to dictate your life.

It’s not easy. I have had years of therapy, hiding away, feeling sorry for myself, being bitter and resentful and none of it worked, because I had made being that sad, abused child my identity. Despite the pain and sadness I was carrying around, there was a comfort in knowing who I was as a result and I could excuse myself from trying to break the cycle, or leaving it in the past as too hard because of what I went through. No one benefitted from that, least of all me.

I can see myself in your tone and post and I can tell you that dwelling on it like you are, feeling shortchanged and wanting to share it with others so you can get confirmation you were dealt a shit hand will get you no where near the life you want to live.

Im not saying forgive and forget - any parent who abandons or abuses a child is a piece of shit who deserves to live with the anger and guilt forever - but you have to stop living in those scenarios. You can’t have your young life back, no matter how unfair it seems. You can live your life from today that is different. One small change at a time.

If you start ruminating on how unfair it is - think about how incredible it is you got this far despite it all. Now what could you achieve if you believed you could get even further?

If you feel bullied at work because you think you are weak - how would a person who is not weak deal with this situation?

You didn’t get to have lunch with an aunt or go on holiday as a teen - who can you have lunch with now that you admire? Can you go on a small trip younger you would have liked?

Treat it like a project - project happier life. Every day make the choice that fits the project not that fits the rumination.

You can still have a good, enjoyable happier life, but you have to give it to yourself.