AIBU to still wash my autistic 11-year-old son’s hair?

OK as the mother of an autistic son I dont think that him not minding is a good reason. If he needs the help fine, but if this is something he could do for himself then you should be guiding him towards that. Children with asd develop differently but they should develop. And being happy to sit back andet mummy do it all is not the preserve of boys with asd.

I'm sorry DH isn't a good Dad to DS (do you have other children?).

Will your life be easier or harder without him?

Does your Mum think 'pandering' to DS is what's causing your marriage to break down?

Im sorry the two people who should be 'in this' with you, aren't.🤗

you & DS are a team 💕 & hooefulky when you split from 'D'H others might be it's supportive xx

who cares?
whatever age he is when he can do it competently on his own.

my cousin's adult son with autism still has his hair washed by his parents several times a month. He lives independently, but they help him with housework etc & often wash his gaur for him while they're there. He does wash it himself in the shower, but HATES it so often doesn't do a great job, them helping just helps. He doesn't give one tiny crap about them helping him. 'They're my mum & dad'

it concerns NO ONE outside the 3 of them

@BakingN carry on being his lovely Mum. Tell your Mum you will keep helping him for as long as he needs & wants you to & it's not up for discussion. Your DH doesn't seem to understand DS's additional needs. Is he generally dismissive of his needs?

This is absolutely not bad parenting. If I understand correctly he can actually do it himself but enjoys it more when you do it. There's nothing wrong with that. Who cares what other people think? As long as both of you are happy with this keep going.
Far too many people have far too many opinions on things that are completely irrelevant to them. You need to start ignoring them. You are his mum and know him better than anyone. Be confident in doing what's working for you!
💐

So what age will you stop washing your son’s hair?

My MIL is full of helpful comments about things my 8-year old autistic son 'ought to be doing for himself'.

There are various personal care tasks I have to help him with as he either forgets entirely or doesn't do a great job if left to his own devices. I do try and model/talk him through the steps so he know what's expected, but it's often slow going!

I have to literally support my autistic 13 year old son shower including hair on his head

My other autistic child was i believe 14 when I stopped doing his hair (he could shower independently just not the hair so we did the hair separately)

My other child was about 8 when she could shower and was hair independently

All three autistic all three different needs

Wow washing kids hair is one of my most hated parenting tasks, so that is the main reason I teach them to do it as early as possible. Water sloshing everywhere, they can’t just stand there and let me do it - absolutely hate it! 7yr old dd almost there, sometimes doesn’t rinse the front properly but fairly competent. DD10 would be mortified to have me in the bathroom with her.

But it sounds like it works for you both so who cares what your mum thinks. My only reservation is will he be able to do it himself if required, ie at a single sex changing room or school lessons?

I’m 65 and love having my hair washed at the hairdresser. My ideal would be a hairdresser in a box in my house who would do it every time!!! Wash the child’s hair, it’s a nice thing to do.

It’s not bad parenting, just start working towards him doing it himself. He will start wanting some privacy soon.
Maybe next time say you’ve got to check on something and will check he’s got the shampoo out when he’s had a go.

My autistic son is 18 but I still wash his hair. He finds showering really difficult as he hates water. He can cope with showering his body as he understands he needs to be clean but the additional sensory load of water on his head is too much. I would much rather help him with this compromise than have a teen who couldn’t face washing at all. That would be the case if I took a black and white view; as @Hamelasays, we adapt to survive. The views of people who haven’t lived it count for nothing. Remember you know your child best.

I have to help my 12 yo son with ASD with toileting at times as he just cannot grasp various hygeine requirements, helping with hair washing isnt at all unreasonable! You know your child and their needs best, ignore anyone else

Nothing wrong with helping your kid to wash his hair. Don’t listen to your mum.

"Normal" parenting rules often don't apply to asd kids ❤️ We are strong and we adapt to what is required to survive, and anyone else's opinions who do not live with it are worth fuck all.

Echoed above, as long as you are teaching him and letting him have a go, he will get there. Wherever "there" is, is highly subjective when it comes to autism, and anyone with a problem can seriously mind their own business.

Your DM is way too invested in how you care for your DS. He is ND, of course he’s likely to need more support and for longer. Does your DM think that by not supporting him with daily tasks he’ll suddenly morph into being NT?

If he can’t wash his own hair properly, it’s fine to do it. But you should be encouraging independence at his age.

It’s a nice thing to do for him, and as you say you know then it’s being done properly. Sooner or later he’ll hit that puberty stage where he’ll become independent and won’t want you doing it, so do it for as long as he lets you!! Absolutely nothing wrong it it!!
I would have washed my eldest until she wanted to do it herself. Her hair was down to her bottom and so so thick, half times she didn’t do it properly and it done my head in