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Original poster

AIBU to still wash my autistic 11-year-old son’s hair?

88 replies

BakingN · 07/07/2026 12:39

My mum thinks it’s ridiculous that I still wash my DS11’s hair. He’s got autism and was diagnosed since he was 5 and whilst it doesn’t affect anything major he can struggle to make new friends etc. he’s not the best when it comes to washing his hair since it’s quite thick and I worry about dandruff with him having sensitive skin. I just think it’s nice for us to bond and I am teaching him how to do it himself but he likes me doing it and I like to make sure his hair is fully done. Is this bad parenting?

OP posts:
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Sweetsalad · 10/07/2026 20:11

Of course YANBU.
My daughter is 12 and very confident and independent but she still likes me to wash her hair. I think it's partly a comforting bonding ritual now

Original poster
BakingN · 10/07/2026 20:09

Youspurnme · 09/07/2026 23:12

Hi @BakingN sorry I forgot to come back to the thread!
He usually has showers so I use the hand attachment thing and it’s all done in a minute

I do the same or he dunks his head in it’s in the bath

OP posts:
Youspurnme · 09/07/2026 23:12

Hi @BakingN sorry I forgot to come back to the thread!
He usually has showers so I use the hand attachment thing and it’s all done in a minute

Original poster
BakingN · 08/07/2026 23:12

Youspurnme · 08/07/2026 23:07

I have a NT 10 year old. I still shampoo his hair twice a week. He would get upset with soap in his eyes etc and would do a terrible job 😂 so it’s better that I do it. My NT 13 year old does his own, I don’t think I’ll be washing hair forever.
Your mother needs to mind her own business.

Haha that’s as good a reason as any. Is that done in the bath?

OP posts:
Original poster
BakingN · 08/07/2026 23:11

Mistyglade · 08/07/2026 23:02

I still wash DS 10 hair and he’s NT.

Is that because he prefers you to?

OP posts:
Original poster
BakingN · 08/07/2026 23:11

phoenixrosehere · 08/07/2026 22:55

YANBU

Our oldest is 11, autistic non-verbal and we definitely wash his hair. He uses it as a napkin and it is thicker compared to his 2 other siblings. Middle is 8 waiting to be assessed and very likely audhd like DH and he wets his hair and I help him because he has a lot of hair with a mix of different curls so he needs help with detangling and making sure we get all the product out of the parts he can’t see. He doesn’t like water on his face.

My sister and I are NT but our mother and aunts washed our hair or we were sent to the salon. I don’t think I actually washed my own hair myself often growing up until I went to uni. In several cultures, hair washing is done by a parent or relative for years, considered an act of bonding.

Not exactly out of the ordinary. Not sure how it’s that different from people who regularly go to the salon to have their hair done. My dad goes to have his hair cut every week at the barbers but shaves his face because he can see what he’s doing.

That’s a good way of putting it, I never really thought of that

OP posts:
Youspurnme · 08/07/2026 23:07

I have a NT 10 year old. I still shampoo his hair twice a week. He would get upset with soap in his eyes etc and would do a terrible job 😂 so it’s better that I do it. My NT 13 year old does his own, I don’t think I’ll be washing hair forever.
Your mother needs to mind her own business.

Mistyglade · 08/07/2026 23:02

I still wash DS 10 hair and he’s NT.

phoenixrosehere · 08/07/2026 22:55

YANBU

Our oldest is 11, autistic non-verbal and we definitely wash his hair. He uses it as a napkin and it is thicker compared to his 2 other siblings. Middle is 8 waiting to be assessed and very likely audhd like DH and he wets his hair and I help him because he has a lot of hair with a mix of different curls so he needs help with detangling and making sure we get all the product out of the parts he can’t see. He doesn’t like water on his face.

My sister and I are NT but our mother and aunts washed our hair or we were sent to the salon. I don’t think I actually washed my own hair myself often growing up until I went to uni. In several cultures, hair washing is done by a parent or relative for years, considered an act of bonding.

Not exactly out of the ordinary. Not sure how it’s that different from people who regularly go to the salon to have their hair done. My dad goes to have his hair cut every week at the barbers but shaves his face because he can see what he’s doing.

Theunamedcat · 08/07/2026 22:18

BakingN · 07/07/2026 14:50

That sounds like you’ve had a big responsibility. Did/do you have help from family?

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No its just me my eldest has left home and works and lives independently middle is at home but will hopefully find his way out (he is only 17 but struggling right now) youngest might be with me for a long time he needs so much supervision i literally have bells on doors to alert me if he tried to leave

ShakaWhenTheWallsFell · 08/07/2026 10:39

Your main job as a parent is (as far as possible given his ND) to make him into a self reliant adult. There's two aspects to this, supporting him to be physically independent and emotionally independent. A warm and loving mother/father doing maternal stuff supports him emotionally. It's a balance so that you're not smothering him or taking away opportunities for him to be independent from you when he wants that. It's not really about the hair washing in isolation, but more how capable and independent he is in all aspects of life. Do you think you "baby" him overall?

For what it's worth I blow dry my 15year old NT DDs very long hair, not because she can't, although I do a better job of it. But because we like the opportunity to chat, I like doing something for her and she prefers me doing it. But in pretty much all other aspects of her life she is fiercely independent.

Anononony · 08/07/2026 10:17

BakingN · 08/07/2026 10:09

Is he neurotypical?

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Undiagnosed but very likely on the spectrum

Original poster
BakingN · 08/07/2026 10:09

Anononony · 08/07/2026 09:58

I still wash my 13yo lads hair, tbh I can see me or OH helping with shaving in a year or 2

Is he neurotypical?

OP posts:
Anononony · 08/07/2026 09:58

I still wash my 13yo lads hair, tbh I can see me or OH helping with shaving in a year or 2

Sartre · 08/07/2026 09:48

Well it’s none of her business is it? Why is she so concerned with this. You’re being a caring loving parent.

concertinacornflake · 08/07/2026 09:46

WinteringTheStorm · 07/07/2026 16:03

I have two children who have ASD diagnoses. I washed their hair for as long as they needed me to (I think about age 15 for my daughter and 14 for my son). They still need me to help out from time to time and both find showering and physical hygiene routines tricky (espy my daughter who also has ADHD).

A nurse recently pissed me off when she was taking my son’s blood. He’s petrified of it and needs to hold me hand to have it done. His palms are seriously sweaty as they take the blood as he finds it so frightening. He’s 15 now. He needs lots of blood tests as he has Crohn’s. I said something to him while he was having his nail cuts like “oh, I’ll give your nails a cut when we get home love as they’re getting a bit long”. The nurse interjected by scoffing “a big boy like you needing your nails cutting by your mum?!!”. He went bright red with embarrassment. But he does need my help and likely will for a while yet. I should have said something to her but I needed to get my son out of the room as he was starting to panic.

Other people’s opinions of how much support your ND child needs are of absolutely fuck all worth. Only you and your children will know the fine detail of what support they need (and how that’s changing). Anyone else can get stuffed. Including grandparents who, if they’re anything like my children’s remaining grandparents, have all the opinions and not a first fucking clue.

The nurse's comment was disgraceful, you could complain if you can be bothered.

concertinacornflake · 08/07/2026 09:44

BakingN · 07/07/2026 15:20

If you are talking about my mum, I don’t really. I keep her at arms length these days as does my brother and sister. Long story but her parenting style was very corporal and controlling.

Just say to her 'You parented your way, and I'll parent my way. I'm happy with my choices."

Original poster
BakingN · 08/07/2026 09:40

lollygiggler · 07/07/2026 20:21

My autistic son is at university. He lives in halls to gain independence and is doing great, but he comes home at weekends so his Dad can wash his hair for him.

That’s very sweet

OP posts:
Gothamcity · 07/07/2026 23:10

mogtheexcellent · 07/07/2026 12:45

I still wash my DDs hair. Shes 12 and neurotypical (sorry if wrong term). Hair is quite long though and we enjoy a chat when shes in the bath. (she refuses to shower).

Exactly the same here! On the odd occasion she's washed it herself, I've had to redo it as she never washes out the conditioner properly anyway. She has hair down to her bum, and doesn't want it cut, so I have to help with brushing and washing. If I left her to it she'd end up looking like Newton Faulkner pre-2024 within a week.

Op, there's nothing wrong with helping them with their personal hygiene while they're still learning. Hopefully overtime he will learn to do it himself, but 11 is still very young and if you know he's not going to be able to ensure it's clean, and avoid dandruff flare-ups then obviously helping and guiding him is the correct choice.

NotAnotherScarf · 07/07/2026 22:41

BakingN · 07/07/2026 18:53

Currently he doesn’t mind being seen nude but I’m sure as he gets older he may want more privacy and like you say he doesn't need to be nude for me to wash his hair he can do it with undies on

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In fairness I have washed ond of my custers hair over the kitchen sink...im a man she is a mature lady who is housebound and her hair dresser couldn't come

AFigureWalks · 07/07/2026 22:16

I wiped DS’s bum after a poo up to the age of seven and he’s not autistic.
He was wiping his own bum by eight.
Washing your boy’s hair is fine compared to our family shenanigans.
Tell your mum to keep her beak out.

lollygiggler · 07/07/2026 20:21

My autistic son is at university. He lives in halls to gain independence and is doing great, but he comes home at weekends so his Dad can wash his hair for him.

Shelleyblueeyes · 07/07/2026 19:00

BakingN · 07/07/2026 12:39

My mum thinks it’s ridiculous that I still wash my DS11’s hair. He’s got autism and was diagnosed since he was 5 and whilst it doesn’t affect anything major he can struggle to make new friends etc. he’s not the best when it comes to washing his hair since it’s quite thick and I worry about dandruff with him having sensitive skin. I just think it’s nice for us to bond and I am teaching him how to do it himself but he likes me doing it and I like to make sure his hair is fully done. Is this bad parenting?

If it works for you and him it's not your mums business.
Theres lots of things that us parents/carers of ND kids do that make no sense to other people but we do them because they make life easier all round.

X

Original poster
BakingN · 07/07/2026 18:53

Needmorelego · 07/07/2026 18:05

You don't actually need to be naked to wash hair so the privacy issue isn't even relevant.

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Currently he doesn’t mind being seen nude but I’m sure as he gets older he may want more privacy and like you say he doesn't need to be nude for me to wash his hair he can do it with undies on

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 07/07/2026 18:05

NotAnotherScarf · 07/07/2026 17:53

It's her son...so she has obviously seen his willy...and will see it many more times. It's a willy, when he doesn't want her to see it he'll say... come on stop with the Victorian ideal of proprietary. Do you have covers so men don't get to see the legs on your table in case they get excited?

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You don't actually need to be naked to wash hair so the privacy issue isn't even relevant.

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