If you have a ND daughter, does it get better as they get older?

One of my children has been diagnosed with both. Year 5/6 were paticularly difficult and I was absolutely dreading secondary school but....they thrived! Found a lovely group of ND friends and academically doing extremely well (was in learning support in primary).

My dd is 6 and has been referred by her school for ADHD and ASD assessment. I have a diagnosis of both so not surprising. She isn’t easier at this age then when she was as a toddler, in fact I find it harder, as when she was a toddler she was on the higher needs ends but all toddlers are hard to some degree, but now age 6 I can really see the difference between her and her peers. She gets on well academically and has friends, good behaviour in school, goes to activities, but she is so hard work outside of school. She violent towards us when she has melt downs (which are frequent) and is getting stronger as she gets older, sensory issues, took a long time to potty train and still has issues, runs off outside, doesn’t respond well to requests, doesn’t respond to discipline, food issues plus other things too.

No

My daughter was never diagnosed but I recognised mild autistic traits in her from being a toddler. She also fully self-diagnoses herself as having ADHD.

She was difficult as a toddler. Not very smiley, little eye contact, very wilful and determined.

Much easier to parent as ‘a little girl’. She was a ‘good’, rule-following, hard-working, bright girl who wanted to do well and have the teachers’ approval.

Really hard work from mid-teens onwards. She was just very, very strong-minded and determined and often bad-tempered. Had some monstrous meltdowns. The rest of us often walked on eggshells around her. She developed a mild eating disorder around age 15 but that moved on after I took her to the GP.

She’s now in her early 30s. Happy, healthy, has a top career and is very happily married to a wonderful guy. Her scattiness/ lateness/ general ADHD chaos affects her more than me now. She has set herself up with all sorts of apps, systems, automated reminders etc to help her to manage life.

She’s absolutely lovely these days. Genuinely. It’s such a relief that it all turned out ok - I used to worry that it really wouldn’t.

My one regret is that, because she dominated so much of my brainspace, time and attention, her younger sibling got less attention and learned to ‘be good’ because I clearly had enough on my plate already. We talk about this openly now. There are no hard feelings - it just was what it was.

But I honestly think my daughter really needed such thoughtful parenting, love and attention. I imagine it’s the same in a family where there is a child with additional physical needs or other disability.

I have 3 kids and 2 are diagnosed ND but the 3rd has a lot of ND traits as do their Dad and me.

My eldest is in Uni and loads of her uni pals are ND. My youngest is impacted by far the most by his ASD. Specialist schooling etc. not at all academic.

I have lots of ND colleagues. My boss has ASD his boss has ADHD and a good few of my colleagues are on the spectrum. There is no single pathway with ND. Each case is so vastly different.

With really good input from you your DD will be the best version of herself possible and that does not need to take a particular route.

DD was extra hard work at 3-4. Well, and then after that as well. Just a step away from everyone else. Not enough for school to support an assessment, enough for them to keep her in at breaktime for lectures etc. I was desperately seeking support for her for a long time. I think any other primary school would have not blocked it but the HT had insisted my eldest DC couldn't possibly have ASD and they used to be a Senco so would definitely know if he was anything other than naughty. Of course two psychologists and a psychiatrist disagreed with them. Finally in year 7 DD's HoY said they would support assessment. Knowing what made her different has helped.

Got to admit. Age 7 now and it hasn't got easier.
Advice for you don't suffer in silence.
Reach out to your nursery / health visitor / GP and accept any help on offer.

See what toddler sen groups are on in your area and you can make some friends in a similar boat.

Good luck.
X

I would suggest focusing on communication, using whatever works for her. Most (not all) children find visuals very useful for instance around transitions. Routine is usually important and reduces anxiety - but understand not always possible. Also trying to really understand her sensory differences - what she's seeking and / or avoiding and putting in what she needs where possible. Do talk to other parents for support but remember everyone is different.

Every child is different. As an infant and toddler, dd was so high needs that she practically broke me. Now she is. 17 year old who drives and is an excellent student. She runs an advocacy group and does volunteer work. She leaves for university in a year.

she still has ASD and that will always be true, but it presents very differently now than it did at 2 years old. She can articulate her needs. She knows what she needs to do to make her life run.

It got massively easier when dd was 18 and started uni...meeting lots of people just like her. Aged 8 to 15 was hard- she struggled with friendships and turned herself inside out trying to change to fit in. Self harming, overdose, putting herself into unsafe situations without our knowledge. It was horrible 😢
Finding her tribe was the making of her and I cannot believe the change in her now. Content, coping, healthy and adaptable

Shes always been tricky she was diagnosed at 2. It’s not the same as those that are diagnosed as adults as they obviously managed to make it all the way through school and childhood, she was diagnosed at 2 never been able to mask it was very obvious from a baby. She didn’t speak at all till she was 4. Not had any help as I wouldn’t get SS involved. She had help in school.

In some ways yes, in other ways no.

Both DD’s exhibited traits early on but didn’t get diagnosed until their late teens. DD1 is 18 and has so many difficulties that she’s finding it hard to study or get a job. DD2 is 16 and communication can often be difficult although she manages school broadly fine.

At this point it’s just part of who they are. We parent them broadly the same but with differences depending on how they generally respond and we get along absolutely fine. DD2 is more high functioning than DD1 but she still has struggles like all people. Adapting is the best way to overcome any challenges you may face during the very different years from toddlerhood to adulthood and they’re not always easy but generally I’ve found that once they’re able to communicate more it’s easier.

She is violent and aggressive, attacks me and siblings, smashes up my home, had the police called, cant be left alone, cant take her out anywhere as shes too unpredictable and runs off, cant stop her anymore like when she was little as shes stronger bigger and taller, and she’s now faster than me soon she will soon be stronger than me. Cant leave her at home alone as she isn’t safe, she tries to escape the house at night.

I'm in my 30s - late diagnosed ADHD and Autism. I won't sugar coat it, I certainly still struggle with transitions, RSD, food allergies and depression/anxiety BUT I wanted to reassure you that she can live a wonderful life. I have a degree, own my own home, have a family and work in for a fantastically ND friendly company earning above the average income for where I live.
Being able to support your daughter from an early age, teaching coping mechanisms and understanding the reasons behind her behaviours will absolutely help set her up for being an adult.
Times will still be tough, the struggles you have will be different from others but if you can do the work to regulate yourself so you can support her, she's lucky to have a parent who gets it ❤️

As the parent of ND young adults and someone who works with autistic and ADHD young people, I'd say that one of the really important things you can do as a parent is explicitly teach and model emotional literacy and strategies to manage their mental health.

No my daughter is 15 and way harder now.
i should add literally everyone told me she’d get easier once she was older but she didnt shes so much harder now.

She was always stimming, no eye contact, very unsettled, found it hard to engage with others. We had a terrible experience with nursery in general so moved her to a childminder and idea of assessment wasn’t mentioned again until pre school where they gently suggested autism and adhd.

Its a massive spectrum and shes only two
I know thats not paticulatly helpful but nobody can say how shes goung to be s she gets older
It might be helpful for you too meet other parents in a similar postion

Yes and no and maybe. Which is no help I know. Like any child each age brings new challenges. DD was ok in primary, but had endleas low level friendship issues. Secondary was hard, lots of anxiety and issues with friends and transitions and taking responsibility. University hasn't been issue free, friendship issues is a ongoing theme for her, and it really get her down. But is better than school was. ADHD meds were life changing for her though.

Shes currently on adhd meds but it’s been horrible trying to find ones that she tolerates and that have any impact and obv issue is then that the autism symptoms seem more apparent so school struggles massively either way! She was very high needs as a baby and has never slept through the night!